


I Hate Everything About You

by icantbestill29



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Chaptered, F/F, propunk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2018-02-22
Packaged: 2018-11-28 10:48:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 52,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11416335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icantbestill29/pseuds/icantbestill29
Summary: Rachel is a hard ass business professor and Sarah a is college student who is struggling. In which Sarah is a sarcastic wise ass and Rachel is a cold bitch. Obviously sexual tension runs rampant.AU.





	1. Chapter 1

"That bloody woman is goin' to be the death of me," Sarah exploded, stepping into the warmth of the student union. "Like, I'm not even jokin', Cos." She tossed her leather jacket unceremoniously onto the back of a chair. "It's only the second week of class. How the hell am I supposed to make it to the end of the term?"

"You're going to let me buy you a coffee and then you can vent to me all you want," Cosima replied lightly. She was used to Sarah and her flair for the dramatics and the best way to handle her was to take control of the situation before her best friend's infamous temper got the best of her. "Sit."

Sarah did as commanded, heaving a sigh as she plopped into the cushioned seat. The student union was surprisingly empty for a late afternoon and for that she was grateful. Her last class had put her in a shit mood and the last thing she wanted was to be surrounded by the stuck up, privileged assholes that probably all breezed by living off of their Mommy and Daddy's money.

"Hey," Cosima returned, setting Sarah's coffee down on the table and sitting across from her. She let a beat pass before adjusting her glasses on the bridge of her nose and studying Sarah intently.

"Don't do that," She warned with a growl that would have intimidated anyone beside Cosima who just rolled her eyes a little.

"Do what?"

"You know what. Look at me like I'm some bloody specimen under your microscope. If you're not goin' to take this seriously, you can piss off."

"Sarah." Her tone was patient. "I'm not trying to minimize anything, OK? I know how hard this is for you, coming back to school after all these years. I'm like, super proud of you..you know that. But c'mon, dude, don't you think you're overreacting just the tiniest bit? I mean, like you said, it's only the second week of school. How bad can--"

"She talks to me like I'm a bloody child, Cosima. A bloody stupid child. In a way I wouldn't dream of speakin' to Kira in. Condescending as shite. Maybe it's me." She took a sip of coffee, looking defeated. "Maybe I'm too stupid to learn. Was S's brilliant idea anyway to go to university. I didn't see the point but I wanted to do it for Kira, yeah?" Cracking her knuckles, she shook her head. "Just seems like a waste now."

"Hey, no way. This was a great decision and you know it. Look how proud everyone is of you. Siobhan made that big dinner when you got accepted here and Alison threw you that party and Felix went out and--"

"Yeah, yeah, I know," She ran a hand through her disheveled hair. "Look, school isn't sumthin' natural to me like it is to you. You're goin' to grad school and I'm just tryin' to keep my head above water, wonderin' what the hell I'm doin' here. And arseholes like Professor Duncan," Sarah spat out her name, "Are the reason I never wanted to come to uni in the first place."

"So, what, you're just gonna up and quit? OK, yes, she's got a reputation as being kind of a hard ass, but when has something like that stopped you before? You're a fighter, Sarah. A survivor. Don't let one professor make you decide that you're done when you've barely just started."

Cosima was clearly baiting her and Sarah knew it. They had been friends long enough for Cos to know she wouldn't back away from a challenge. Years of hustling had given her a spine of steel. The other woman had a valid argument. Who the hell was this bitch to drive her away? She'd busted her ass to finish her GED and get into school in the first place and she'd be damned if some haughty professor was going to make her drop out.

Sighing, she squared her shoulders. "You're right."

Cosima put down her tea mid-sip and stared at her. "Excuse me?"

"I'm not goin' to bloody repeat it, Cos." She shrugged. "But what good is quittin'? Siobhan payed money out of her own pocket for me to go and Kira would be disappointed and I wouldn't hear the end of it from Fee, even though he barely finished school..." 

"So you're staying? That's good, Sarah. That's really, really good. And look, if you need help, Delphine and I, we're both---"

"You're both scientists, yeah? What'dya know about business classes?"  
\  
"Uh, I dunno." It was Cosima's turn to shrug. "Delphine knows about everything."

Sarah smirked. "Yeah, I bet she does." Cosima's cheeks flamed and she couldn't help but laugh. Her friend had been dating the French doctor for months and she still blushed like she was a twelve year old whenever anyone brought up anything remotely related to sex, a fact Sarah loved to rib her about.

"Anyway," Cosima said pointedly, eager to steer the conversation back to neutral territory, "All you have to do is get on Professor Duncan's good side. Ace your next quiz so she lays off."

"It's that easy, is it? I studied for the last one, Cos. For three hours. And nothin' I studied was on the bloody quiz." She sank back into her chair, eyes flashing. "She's off her nut, that's what she is." She paused, shooting her gaze back over to Cosima who was suddenly engrossed in her phone. "Oi! Are you even listenin' right now?" She reached over to tug on a dread and Cosima slapped her hand away, grinning. 

"Sarah," The grin grew wider as her eyes gleamed from behind her glasses. "You didn't tell me she was hot."

"What are you on about? Who's hot?"

Cosima turned the phone toward the other woman, a picture of Rachel Duncan on the screen staring back at her. To Sarah's utter amusement (and horror) she wore the same bored, indifferent look as she did in class, as if the mere act of taking a picture for the school website was beneath her.

"Gee, Cos, maybe I didn't notice she was hot cuz' she's a bloody nightmare."

"Oh come on, Sarah, nightmare or not, you can't deny that she's beautiful."

"Well, unless I'm gonna shag her, her bein' beautiful has got nothin' to do with---" She paused mid-sentence, biting her lower lip in contemplation.

"Oh no, no." Cosima pointed her finger, shaking her head. "I know that look...Repeat after me, Sarah. "I will not seduce my professor so I can pass my class."

Sarah feigned an innocent look. "What, you think I'm gonna just go back to my old ways?"

Her friend raised an eyebrow. "Old habits die hard, dude."

"Relax, Cosima. If I'm goin' to pass this course, I'm goin' do it on my own. No cons, no tricks. Fair and square, yeah? I promise. Why do you look like you don't believe me?"

"It's not that I don't believe you. I want to believe you. I just---OK," She took a deep breath. "Hey, if you say you won't, then you won't. Case closed."

"Thank you." She took her phone out of her jeans pocket to see the time before rising. "Look, I gotta get back. S makes us do this family dinner now and she'll throw a benny if I'm late." She paused, tugging on her jacket. "You wanna come? She'd love to have you and I bet Kira would be thrilled too."

"Thanks for the invite but I'm meeting Delphine for dinner after her shift at the hospital."

Sarah paused halfway through slipping her fingerless gloves on and held a hand up. "Say no more. I'll keep you posted on Professor Stick Up Her Arse, yeah?" She raised her paper cup. "Thanks for the coffee." With that, she waved over her shoulder and rushed out of the union, the door clanging nosily behind her.

"Hey, be good! Text me later!" Cosima called out to Sarah's retreating back. She made no move to get up and pull on her own coat, instead sipping her now cold tea thoughtfully. 

She wondered how long it would take before she had to call in reinforcements to stop Sarah from doing something rash. Punching a button on her phone, she put it up to her ear and listened. "Hey, Alison? Hey, hi. No, I won't keep you long. Just wanted to ask you...what do you know about a Professor Duncan?"


	2. Chapter 2

"C'mon," Sarah muttered impatiently under her breath as her key got jammed in the lock for what seemed like the millionth time since they'd moved in. The early evening air had turned bitter and she could feel the pads of her thumbs grow numb from the cold as she fiddled with the key. At last, blessedly, the door knob turned and she went in. The warmth of the house was a nice contrast to outside and she was immediately greeted with the welcoming smells of a roast cooking and the incense Siobahn seemed particularly fond of burning. Slipping off her shoes and hanging her jacket up on the coat rack (lest she be scolded by S) she inhaled deeply. Home was a relative term, to be sure, but the little house felt as close to one as she could imagine being a foster kid. S was also as close to a mother as she'd ever get but that was something she kept close to the vest though she was getting better at not being such a hellraiser...S, for all her overbearing ways, certainly deserved better than that, Kira too. As if Sarah's thoughts had procured her, her daughter came bounding into the living room and threw herself into her mother's arms.

"Hey Monkey," she said brightly, giving her a tight squeeze. "Man, I missed you."

"I missed you too, Mum. How was school?" 

Sarah kissed the tip of her nose, making her giggle. "Ah, it was school. Never mind, babe. I wanna hear about your day. Maybe we can sneak in a biscuit or two, eh? C'mon."

They headed to the kitchen where S had her back to them, stirring a pot on the stove. Upon hearing their entrance she turned around.

"Good timing, love. Dinner'll be ready in a few. If that brother of yours ever gets here that is."

"You know Fee. Fashionably late as always."

"Mhmmm," Siobahn raised an eyebrow, nudging back an errant hair with her forearm. "How were your classes today?"

She sighed, toying with Kira's curls. "Don't really wanna talk about it."

"Chicken, will you go set the table in the dining room?" Mrs. S touched the girl's shoulder. "And you can take a biscuit from the cupboard on your way. One." She said firmly as Kira retreated. Once she was gone, she stepped away from the stove, wiping her hands on her apron. "Sarah..." She began, "I do hope you're taking this seriously. For your own sake as much as Kira's."

"Save the lecture, will ya please." She rubbed wearily at her eyes, further smudging her already trashed eyeliner. "I've had a shit day and--"

"Something smells good!" Felix burst into the kitchen with his usual aplomb, kissing Siobahn and then Sarah on the cheek. "What's that about a shit day?"

"You're late," S cut in, crossing her arms over her chest. "And no phone call on top of it."

Felix had the good decency to look somewhat chagrined. "I had a date with Colin. It ran a bit over, shall we say--"

"That's fine, no need for details, love." The older woman shook her head, the barest hint of a smile on her lips. "Right then, shall we?"

"You alright?" Felix slung an arm around his sister as they made their way into the dining room to join Kira.

"Yeah," Sarah shrugged. "I will be. Bloody uni is killin' me already."

"Chin up," He poked her in the ribs, "Only four more years, eh?"

"Not helpin'." She rolled her eyes, poking him back. 

Dinner was a long affair with Felix and Kira doing most of the talking. The food was delicious as always but she couldn't bring herself to eat much. The dismal grade on her quiz and the image of the uptight woman shaking her head as she handed it back was making her seethe.

"Daddy sent me a letter," her daughter chattered beside her excitedly. "He's coming to visit next month!"

"Wow, babe, that's great." Sarah managed a smile. Cal was one of the good ones and not for the first time, she was grateful that she had finally had enough sense to let him know Kira was his daughter and that he hadn't let his anger at being kept in the dark for the first seven years of the little girl's life stop him from developing a relationship with her.

In her pocket, Sarah's phone buzzed and she took it out. A quick glance showed there was a text from Cosima and she held it at waist level to read it.

Cos: Hey, I asked Alison if she knew anything about Duncan because that's where Donnie went to school. He actually graduated with her and he said she's a pretty scary woman. Really cold. Nobody dared speak to her, I guess. I--

"Sarah!" Mrs. S's voice cut in, making her lift her head up sharply as she met her admonishing gaze. "D'ya have your phone? At the table?"

"No phone during dinner, Mummy," Kira reminded her, clearly delighted her mother had gotten in trouble. "That's the rule."

"So it is, Monkey. Alight then. I'm puttin' it away, yeah?" Resigned, she tucked it back into her pocket. Cosima would just have to wait until later. They finished dinner and dishes with little fanfare, Felix headed back to his loft, and Sarah tucked Kira in. Finally, the house was quiet and she settled in her room with her textbook and a large cup of coffee. Cosima hadn't responded to her text (she was definitely with Delphine by now, Sarah reasoned) and for the first time in hours, she managed to crack a genuine smile. "Good for you, Cos."

Slouching down into the desk chair, she cracked her neck, stretching from side to side. There were two chapters to read for class the following day and after about five minutes staring at the page, the words all began to blur together. _Bloody Rachel Duncan_ , not for the first time, she cursed the professor. She hated everything about her; the clipped British accent (it seriously made her skin crawl), the severe blond bob, how her eyes swept over the room with complete disdain as she spoke, the stupid skirt suits she wore everyday... (If Sarah had to hazard a guess, she'd say if you opened the woman's wardrobe, all you would see was a sea of white). "Hot?" Sarah muttered to herself, rubbing tired eyes, "Maybe if she wasn't such a bloody bitch."

The next thing she knew, light was streaming in through the blinds and an unattractive puddle of drool had collected at the corner of her mouth. As she slowly came into consciousness, she realized she'd fallen asleep at the desk and got no reading done at all.

"Shite!" Sarah sprang up ungracefully, nearly sending her chair clattering to the floor. A glance at her phone told her that she was in serious danger of being late. Downstairs, the sounds of breakfast being prepared traveled up and even though she knew she could ask S to take Kira to school (and she'd say yes), she was still going to be cutting it close. She got ready quickly, shimmying out of her old black jeans into a pair she found on her floor (that smelled clean) and a new black t-shirt. She splashed cold water on her face and brushed her teeth, not bothering to do anything with her hair or to take off the previous night's old eyeliner.

"No time," she said when she got downstairs in response to S's offer of breakfast. Gulping down a cup of coffee, she kissed her daughter good-bye and headed out to the train. Cosima had finally texted her back, the message full of apologies for not answering right away and alluding to the fact she'd been "busy" (Sarah chuckled aloud on the train. Her friend was bloody awful with innuendos). Cos seemed to think Sarah should butter Professor Duncan up, get on her good side. The idea left her unsettled. The old Sarah would've conned her way into passing and if she'd had to use sex to do it, so be it.

She had decided to make a change, for Kira. Because Kira deserved better. Still, it would be so easy to slip into her old skin, familiar, and she pulsed with this awareness, wiggling uncomfortably in the hard seat.

 _No way, Manning_ , she chastised herself for even considering it. _Worst idea in history and besides, you promised Cos._ Straightening her spine, she dismissed any thoughts of the kind. No, she'd pass this bloody class on her own. The train lurched to a stop and she clambered off and breaking into an awkward run across the green so she wouldn't miss her math class. Thankfully she managed to slide into a seat just in time for the lecture and got through the next two hours without incident. There was only an hour break between classes (and into hell, as she tended to think of Duncan's class) so she grabbed a quick bite in the dining hall while furiously thumbing through the two chapters she neglected to finish.

"Shite," Sarah slammed the textbook closed and pushed away from the table. Nothing made sense, she had no idea what the bloody hell she just read. Maybe she should take Cosima and Delphine up on their offer to help...or Alison, even though she'd probably make her color code her notes and use a matching high lighter and set up a study station. She shook her head and wondered again how they were all friends when they had nothing in common, especially how they were friends with her because they had their shit completely together while she...

Was going to be late. 

"Shite, shite, shite!" She hurriedly dumped her trash and sprinted across campus to the building she needed. It had begun to rain and by the time she crept silently into the back of the lecture hall, she was soaked. Professor Duncan who had been in the middle of what no doubt had been a long diatribe, stopped speaking mid-sentence, her eyes trailing Sarah's entrance.

"For those of you just joining us," she said evenly, smoothing down an imaginary wrinkle in her skirt, "there will be a quiz today on Chapters 5 and 6."

Sarah groaned and slunk further down into the seat, hoping she could disappear completely. The gesture made leather squeak against the metal and if looks could kill, the sharpness of Rachel's gaze at the noise certainly would have.

The test was passed out along the rows and with each rustling paper, Sarah felt sick. There was no way in hell she was going to pass a pop quiz and for a quick second, she thought about standing up, gathering her things and leaving.

"Come on, mate," she said lowly to herself as the person in the row in front handed her the dreaded object. "You probably know more than ya think you do, yeah?"

"No talking please," Professor Duncan called out from behind the podium speaking to the room at large but looking directly at Sarah who couldn't help but glare back before returning to her quiz. Sure enough, she got mixed up on the terms and not only were the they unfamiliar, the way Duncan had phrased the questions was so confusing that she found herself cursing under her breath. A quick glance at the front of the room showed Professor Duncan watching them closely, her face an unreadable mask.

Biting her pen cap, she scribbled down some answers that she was fairly certain were totally wrong and made her way rather sulkily down the long stairway.

"Finished? "She fixed an insincere smile on the other woman as she placed the paper upside down on the podium. "I trust you answered all of the questions, Miss.Manning."

Sarah hadn't missed the hint of sarcasm in her tone and she felt the corners of her mouth up turn in a smirk. "What I could make of em'."

The professor quirked an eyebrow and folded her hands. "Well then," she said smoothly, her eyes not leaving Sarah's. "You may return to your seat."

Shit, she had to admit that Cosima was right. Up close, Rachel was beautiful and if she had been any other woman, in any other situation, Sarah would've immediately tried to get her number. _Bugger that_ , she thought, stalking back up the aisle and to her seat again. Pretty or not, the woman was a cold fish and she had to wonder if she knew that everyone thought so. Or if she even cared in the first place.

When the class was finished with their quiz, Professor Duncan started in on the lecture and Sarah, who had both managed to slip out of her wet jacket and secure a notebook out of her backpack (which thankfully had been spared from the sudden downpour) was immediately bored. The woman's voice was grating and rather than listen to her drone on, she began to doodle in the margin, as she always did when class began. Maybe she should've majored in art instead of business. Maybe she'd call Felix later and ask him what he--

"Miss.Manning?" Oh no. She lifted her head from her drawing to see Professor Duncan looking at her expectantly. "We are waiting ever so patiently for your brilliant answer," she said, raising a smattering of giggles.

"Er..." She could feel everyone's eyes trained on her. "Shite, I dunno. I mean, no. My answer is no." More giggles.

"If it were a yes or no question, Miss.Manning, that would have been perfectly sufficient. Unfortunately, it was not." Disdain dripped from every syllable, making Sarah's blood boil. "Is there anyone who could please answer the question properly and enlighten your fellow classmate?"

Sarah didn't blush as a rule, didn't get embarrassed easily at all, but she was certain her face was blazing. 

Finally, mercifully, class was over and people stood, grabbing their things. "Miss Manning," Professor Duncan's voice floated up. "I would like to speak to you, if you have a moment."

 Oh bloody hell. Her heart thudded loudly in her chest as she took her things and headed down once again to face the lion.

"Sit please," She gestured to a plastic chair and Sarah obeyed. It felt very much like her younger days, spending hours sitting in chairs just like this, while poor S was called into a parent/teacher conference or even worse, the principal's office, at least every other week. She felt just like she had back then too...small and helpless.

Professor Duncan folded her hands, waiting for students to file out before directing her eyes upon Sarah (the brightness startling her a bit). She let out a long sigh.

"Miss.Manning, I don't know how you expect to pass this course if you aren't keeping up on the reading. Further more, showing up late to my class is unacceptable. I'm taking off five points off your final grade for today and five more for every time you happen to be tardy."

A swift rage swelled in her chest and she dug her nails into her palm to keep from standing up and destroying the bloody room.

"Yeah, I was late. My fault." She said tightly, crossing her arms defensively. "But, listen, Professor, them quizzes? They make no sense. I don't understand any of the questions...I--"

"The questions," Rachel rose from her chair, towering over her in what no doubt were designer stilettos, "Are taken directly from the reading. If you were completing the assigned reading, Miss.Manning, and if you took notes in lecture instead of daydreaming, you would be perfectly fine." She pursed her lips, looking down at her thoughtfully. "Perhaps you ought to drop the course. There's still time to withdraw and if you aren't going to put in the required effort, there's no reason to waste both of our time, is there?"

 In that moment, Rachel Duncan was like every other rich, entitled bitch Sarah had encountered in her life. Talking down to her like she was a piece of trash under her shoe, like she was stupid...it infuriated her and she wanted nothing more to stand up and wipe the condescending look right off of her face. Taking a deep breath, she rose as well, meeting the woman's challenge, her expression steely.

"I'm not droppin' the class."

"Fine," She said flatly, as if she wasn't surprised Sarah hadn't backed down. "I expect to see a passing grade on this quiz. And if I do not, we will have another conversation, won't we, Miss. Manning." She waved her off. "You're free to go."

"Later Professor." She turned on her heel and stomped out of the lecture hall, her anger still throbbing underneath her skin.

"Bloody hell!" Kicking at a pebble, she raked her hands through her damp hair. Rachel Duncan was an absolute beast, no doubt about it. Taking out her phone, she punched in a number and took a deep breath.

"Alison? You busy tonight? Yeah, I need---yeah...No, sumthin' harder than wine. Yeah...thanks. I'll see if Cos's free too.You wouldn't believe what a bitch of a day I've had. And speaking of bitches..."


	3. Chapter 3

          An evening at Alison's house always went like clockwork. Alison would provide the wine and dig out Bagel Bites from her freezer, Sarah would bring her own bourbon, and Cosima would come over with weed which Ali would bitch about and say the last time it took her three days to get the stench out of the carpet and inevitably, wind up hogging the entire joint, stretched out across the length of the couch, with her head in Sarah's lap, bitching about Donnie's total lack of organization. They'd crash in the basement and Sarah would wake up in the middle of the night to Alison frantically spraying air fresher before Donnie came back from bowling. Then she'd go back to sleep for a few hours and wake up again to a nauseatingly cheerful version of their friend telling them to rise and shine while she and Cosima barely had their eyes open. When they did eventually pull themselves off the couch (somehow they managed to smoosh together on opposite ends), and drag their sorry asses upstairs, Alison and Donnie had been up for hours, and Donnie had made waffles or pancakes, (which Sarah usually turned down due to the fact her brain was on the verge of exploding) and coffee (which she gratefully accepted with a chaser of aspirin).

 

       This time when she made her way into the kitchen, Cosima was already at the table, shoveling in pancakes doused in syrup down at warp speed. She raised a hand in greeting.

 

        "Morning." Donnie barely lifted his eyes from his newspaper as Sarah joined them at the table.

 

 _How the hell are these people this awake?_ She grunted unintelligibly in response, pushing tangled hair out of her eyes. Her tongue weighed about five hundred pounds and that was nothing compared to her head. If there was one thing she regretted more than anything else at that very moment, it had been thinking chugging half a liter of bourbon was a good idea.

 

         "Coffee?" Alison chirped brightly, putting a steaming cup down in front of her. Subtly, she placed two aspirin beside it, laying a gentle hand on her friend's shoulder.

 

        "Thanks," She managed. Alison's natural tendency to mother them all had annoyed her at first (she wouldn't let S be her mother, let alone an uptight prude like she'd thought the other woman was when Cosima had introduced them.) It didn't bother her so much anymore.

 

       "So what are you girls doing today?" Instead of sitting down, Alison busied herself loading pans into the dishwasher. "The kids will be at my Mom's until 11 and then I'm going to meet them at the soccer field because Oscar has a game--"

 

      It was typical Alison to ask a question without waiting for a response and she exchanged a slight smile with Cosima. She looked perfectly put together. No one would have guessed six hours ago , she'd been blowing smoke rings and polishing off the last of the wine before collapsing in a fit of giggles.

 

     "So I heard you have the ice queen as a professor, huh?" Donnie lowered his newspaper, his gaze sympathetic.

 

      "Uh, yeah." Sarah was mildly taken aback as she'd been hypnotically watching Cos spin her phone in figure eights on the tabletop. "She's--wait, did you just call her the ice queen?" She grinned, "That her nickname or sumthin'?"

 

      "It was. I'm sure Ali told you we went to grad school together. She barely said a word to anyone in classes...and if you did speak to her she gave you this look like how dare you inconvenience her. Pretty damn terrifying. I'm not surprised she came back to teach...probably gets off on scaring the shit out of people.

 

      "Well, Donnie," Alison bristled behind him, refilling Cosima's coffee, "You neglected to tell me she was so attractive."

 

        "Uh, well...that never really--"

 

        "That's because all he can see is you, Ali," Cosima smoothly jumped in to save Donnie who shot her a grateful look before putting his head back down. "OK, so what's the plan, Sarah?"

 

         "I can help you study," Alison offered, sitting down in the seat between her friends (and pointedly ignoring her husband). "I think you probably just need some pointers as to how to go about it."

 

         Sarah groaned, the dull ache still pressing on her temples. "What I need to do is go home for some proper sleep, yeah? And then spend time with Kira so I can forget I have to go back on Monday."

 

      "Sounds like a reasonable plan," Cosima offered diplomatically. "But you're going to have to face the music, sooner or later, dude. Look, if she's being totally unreasonable, you could report her to the dean of students---"

 

      "And what am I supposed to say, Cos? That she speaks to me like I'm garbage? That's how she talks in general and everyone bloody well knows it, including the dean. Duncan's not goin' anywhere."

 

      "Have you thought about dropping the course?" Alison suggested gently, fiddling with the zipper of her hoodie. "I know you don't want to but if it saves you the trouble of having to deal with that horrible woman..."

 

      Sarah sighed deeply, flexing her hands high above her head. "Yeah, I've thought about it," she admitted, "but what good would it do? She's the only one in the department who teaches it and eventually, I'd hafta take it. And besides," her hazel eyes flashed defiantly, "dropping the class means she wins. And there's no way in hell, I'm gonna let that happen."

 

     "It's not a contest, though," Cosima pushed her plate aside. "Don't get me wrong, I don't think you should drop it either but it should be because you want to pass...not because you want to stick it to your professor."

 

     They all knew that Sarah was motivated by the sheer desire to tell people to go fuck themselves and if someone challenged her, she set out immediately to prove them wrong. It had gotten her into some serious scrapes in the past. The worry hung in the air.

 

    "Look, I'll figure sumthin' out, mates. No trouble." Sarah stood, albeit unsteadily,and brought her empty coffee cup to the sink (Alison had trained her well). "I'll text you lot later. Donnie, thanks for the coffee." Ignoring the concern in her friend's faces (and the fact she was certain they'd be talking about her the second she left), she grabbed her backpack and headed home.

 

     The rest of the weekend went by in a blur. She took Kira to a movie, hung out at Felix's loft, helped S around the house, and diligently tried to do her reading for that week so that she could be prepared for anymore pop quizzes. She also was not going to be caught off guard again if that bloody dragon lady asked her a question. Just thinking about being called out still caused a blush to rise up into her cheeks.

 

    Monday morning loomed bright and sunny and after she dropped Kira off to school (her math class thankfully didn't meet until the following day and she had a good few hours before she plunged into the fires of hell), she checked her university email account as she walked toward home.

 

"Oh bloody hell," She cursed, nearly dropping her phone. "This can't be good."

 

_To: s_manning@utoronto.ca_

_From: r_duncan@utoronto.ca_

_Subject: Quiz #2 for Introduction to Economics_

_Dear Miss. Manning, I regret to inform you, you did not receive a passing grade on the last quiz. Please arrange for a time to come to my office hours to discuss as soon as possible. I offer hours before class, from 11 to 2, or you may make an appointment for a later time. My office is located in Building B, room 314. I appreciate your cooperation in this serious matter._

_Sincerely, Rachel Duncan, DBA_

 

    Sarah scowled at her phone. Serious matter? The woman made it seem like it was life and death and the thought of being lectured again with no way to escape made her stomach twist painfully. Still, she couldn't avoid it. Might as well get it over with. She decided she needed coffee first which in part, was a measure to avoid the situation and partly to keep her alert and on her toes which was essential in dealing with the other woman, in keeping a level playing field, even though Sarah knew realistically, there was nothing level about it. 

 

   An hour later, she found herself in front of Rachel Duncan's door, her heart pounding uncontrollably. Immediately, she felt foolish. She'd had guns pointed at her head and she was squirming over a bloody conference? The difference was there was something about Duncan that intimidated her. It was more than the cold bitch attitude that she presented in the classroom...it was her manner in general. Although the blonde was around the same age as she was, there was a polish and sophistication that Sarah didn't have, that she could never have, and though she could tell herself she didn't give a shit that she was lacking in that department, it was with much reluctance that she could admit Rachel had it together in ways she certainly didn't it. And that didn't come without the smallest hint of shame.

 

     Drawing her jacket closer to her and letting out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding, Sarah rapped on the door with her knuckle.

 

     "Come in," Rachel's voice floated out and wincing slightly, she did.

 

    The office was stark as if she had just gotten there, even though she'd been at the University for a few years by then. Sarah made notice of the bare settings. There were no posters or plants, nothing to signify that anyone even occupied the space. What was most jarring was the absence of any photographs on the large desk. Sarah had been in enough principals and school psychologists offices to know that every single last one of them had a smattering of pictures in neat copper frames decorating the top of their desks...of children, spouses, sometimes even their pets. Rachel's desk held a pencil and pen holder, her laptop, and her nameplate, nothing more.

 

 _Ice queen_. Donnie's words played in Sarah's head as Rachel invited her to sat down. She hadn't risen as Sarah entered the office and the notion she'd expected her to, was enough to make her bite down a smirk.

 

   For a minute, neither said a word. Rachel was staring out the window as if trying to decide how to begin and Sarah, determined not to be the first to break the silence, was fixated on floor, wishing her gaze could burn a bloody hole in the carpet so she crawl into it and escape.

 

     "Miss. Manning," Sarah's head jerked up. "As I said in the email, you neglected to pass your last quiz. So I thought we might have a discussion about how to proceed." Although her words were polite and even, Sarah couldn't miss the disappointment in her eyes, the way she drummed her manicured nails on the desktop. The sound of the tap-tapping was enough to make her want to scream.

 

    "Alright," She returned, her tone gravelly, "What do you want me to do?"

 

      Sighing, the professor pushed a piece of paper toward her. "You didn't answer a single question correctly. You neglected to use complete sentences and in the few instances where you were heading toward the right direction, you didn't give proper detail."

 

      The red-lined comments blurred as she scanned down the paper before crumpling it into her hand. "Look, I told you, professor, the way you put things...it's confusing."

 

     "This is a college course, Miss. Manning. I expect each student to demonstrate a basic level of comprehension."

 

 _She's calling me stupid_ , the realization dawned on her and before she could stop herself, Sarah sprang up in a fury, almost taking the chair with her. "Listen," her voice rose, " I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you telling me I'm an idiot because you prattle on. I worked bloody hard to even get this far, yeah? And I'll be dammed if I let a professor say I'm too stupid to be in her class."

 

     And with that, she kicked the corner leg of the desk hard, her breathing ragged.

 

     It had been a long time since she'd let her wild temper get the best of her. She'd made a vow to S (and to herself) that the last time she'd run away and come back, she'd be better. A better mother to Kira, a better sister, a better daughter. And for the most part, she'd lived up to her promise by getting her GED and dropping her old friends and keeping her anger firmly in check. But Rachel Duncan ignited a fury in her, with her cold amber eyes and her pink lips and how she never seemed to get rattled. When she'd kicked the desk, she had really wanted it to be Rachel. One sharp, precise kick right into her perfect face. The thought was so self-satisfying it sent a shiver of pleasure down her spine.

 

     The professor said nothing, her face completely unchanged, only a slight arch of her eyebrow over Sarah's outburst. Folding her hands, she looked at her. This is it for me, Sarah thought miserably, her toe aching. She collapsed into the chair. All of Siobahn's effort to get her here. All of her friends support; Fee and Kira. She had thrown it all away in one moment of irrationality.

 

     She expected Rachel to pick up the phone to call campus security, to order her out of the room, to show some sign of fear. What she did not expect was for her to rise from her seat and walk over to Sarah and pull the second chair close, so that their knees were almost touching. And she didn't expect for her to invade her personal space so that Sarah could smell the pink notes of her perfume.

 

    "I can help you." Her voice was soft, softer than she'd ever been in class and the other woman slowly met her gaze. "I'd be willing to meet with you during office hours so that you can get a grasp on the material. But you need to promise, Miss. Manning, that you'll do the reading."

 

     Her head swam. Rachel wasn't going to have her expelled. Rachel wanted to help her pass. Rachel Duncan was showing her some compassion. It was dizzying and as she looked into the other woman's eyes, the sincerity in them took her aback.

 

    "And if I don't meet with you?" The question surprised her more than it did Rachel who drew back slightly.

 

     "Then you'll have to find a way to pass or you'll be forced to drop, won't you."

   

       Normally, the veiled threat in her words would have had Sarah fuming but there was something about Rachel's close proximity that balmed some of the sting. Her skirt had ridden up her thigh as she sat and the other woman suddenly couldn't move, transfixed on the bare skin, considering, for a fleeting moment, how it would feel against the heel of her hand.

 

     "Miss. Manning?"

 

      "Errr, fine. Ok, yes. I accept yer offer."

 

       "Good," Rachel smoothed down her skirt and got up from the chair. "Let's plan to begin tomorrow. Is 4:00 acceptable?"

 

        She thought about S and her family dinners and decided it was accept Rachel's time or have Siobahn chew her ass out for failing.

 

      "Fine." Standing, she picked up her bag from the floor. "Uh, sorry about the--" she gestured toward the desk gruffly.

 

        Rachel waved her away. "I understand. I'll see you in class, then. On time, please." She re-positioned the pencil holder, the nameplate. "Oh and Miss. Manning?"

 

        Sarah had her hand on the door knob. "Yeah?"

       

         "I certainly don't think you're stupid. Quite the opposite, in fact." Her expression hadn't changed but Sarah saw her mouth twitch slightly at the corners. "That's all."

 

          Shutting the door behind her, Sarah realized her breathing had not slowed. Leaning against a wall, she wiped at a bead of sweat that had formed on her brow and wondered what hell she'd gotten herself into.

 

         Rachel's perfume was still in her nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the slow updates. The show is kind of bumming me out right now and I don't want this fic to go into dark territory. Also, please ignore the weird spacing. My usual writing program was having issues, ugh.  
> .
> 
> Please leave comments and/or kudos if you enjoyed.


	4. Chapter 4

Over the course of three tutoring sessions, Sarah learned exactly four things about her professor:

1.) She always smelled good. And it wasn't just the obviously impeccable personal hygiene (something about Rachel told her she was the type of person who showered multiple times a day)...she smelled intoxicatingly _good_ , like expensive perfume and something Sarah couldn't identity but anytime the professor bent her head in to point something out in the textbook from across the desk, her scent hit Sarah's nostrils and she inadvertently felt herself inhaling it and holding it there.

2.) She was extremley patient, much more so than in lecture. She didn't roll her eyes when Sarah asked questions and she made sure a concept was completely understood before they moved on. Patient as she was, her tone held no warmth and there was not as much as the smallest hint of a smile. Sarah tried to imagine what that would look like but the thought was too distracting so she'd put it out of her head.

3.) She was the youngest professor in her department to make tenure (Cosima dug up that dirt) and she didn't have a T.A, which she brought up at their first session after giving Sarah some study guides to supplement the reading ("I don't have an assistant to make copies," she had mentioned looking rather sharply at Sarah, as if to inform her of the extreme sacrifice that was made in getting her the sheets). Cosima later found out that she had gone through two T.A.'s before apparently deciding she didn't need one. If Sarah had to hazard a guess, it was that either she scared them off or their performance wasn't up to her impossibly high standards.

4.) She often had a pot of tea out on her desk when Sarah arrived.The only explanation she offered was that the tea from the cafeteria was "dreadful" and the student union was half way across campus ("Most inconvenient," she'd frowned as if whomever had designed the building had located it there solely to _inconvenience_ her). She would already have poured herself a cup, settling it gracefully down on the saucer as Sarah came in, the steam billowing up while she said hello. Sarah was never offered any tea.  
  
After their third session, it was still painfully obvious the more convoluted facts Rachel demanded they know for quizzes were escaping her. She had never learned to study concepts properly and although she had done quite well on her GED exam, it was with many hours of help from both Cosima and Alison who relentlessly made her take the practice test. That familiar nagging voice barged its way in again and she had the sudden animal urge to smash her head into the desk just to get it to shut the fuck up. Too stupid to understand. Too stupid to be here in the first place. Too stupid and too bloody naive to believe she'd ever be able to finish a four year degree. Everyone kept telling her to keep her eye on the finish line but it was so far in the distance she wouldn't be able to see it even if she squinted.

Rachel closed the text book in front of her and smoothed down her hair ( _Ridiculous, really_ , Sarah thought, crossing her arms, _when she bloody well knows she doesn't have a single strand that's out of place_.) "Perhaps we need a break."

It was in Sarah's nature to immediately jump to the defense and she stiffened against it, gnawing at her lower lip to keep from uttering the biting remark she really wanted to.

"I'm fine." She scuffed the toe of her boot on the lineolum, not meeting Rachel's eyes.

"You seem...frustrated." Rachel folded her hands in front of her. "The problem isn't that you don't understand the material, Miss. Manning. It's that you're uncertain of yourself. There's simply no need---"

"Why do you call on me in lecture?" Sarah blurted. "All the bloody time and I fumble for the stupid answer and everyone bloody stares and you never say anything while you wait for me to come up with some shit that ends up makin' no sense..."

She should be ashamed of herself, she thinks, for her outburst, for calling out her professor, again. But she's tired and hungry and her head hurts and her wounded pride takes presidence over the fact it probably wasn't an appropiate response.

Rachel stared at her, unblinking. "Well," She said finally, pushing the tea cup off to the side, "I'm not singling you out, if that's what you think."

The other woman jutted out her chin definantly. "Yeah, Professor Duncan, that's exactly what I think."

"Please don't be ridiculous. I call on everyone. And you aren't exempt from learning how to formulate articulate answers. This is a business course and yes, perhaps my expectations are high, but I've seen far too many students thinking they can put in the minimum amount of effort and still pass. That isn't how it works."

Sarah frowned, wishing she was at home with Kira and Siobahn, helping to set the table, joking with S that Fee was late again. Anywhere but here with her professor and the frost she gave off. Siobahn was fine about her missing dinner once a week when Sarah told her where she was going (she hadn't missed the slight glimmer of mistrust in S's eyes and she couldn't say she blamed her). God, it would have been easier if she had put her foot down and said there was no way she could skip out on family dinners and--

"Miss. Manning?" Rachel was looking at her again. "It bothers you when I ask you questions in class?"

"Uh..."

Rachel's voice was soft again, that same peculiar gentleness she'd used after she'd kicked the desk like some sort of enraged animal. Shit, she had no idea what to make of a gentle Rachel Duncan. She shrugged helplessly.

"If it bothers you that immensely, I'll try to refrain from asking you questions so often. Is that acceptable?" Professor Duncan leaned in slightly, giving Sarah the barest hint of cleavage from the fitted black shirt she wore.

 _Damn you, Manning. Control yourself, yeah?_   Not only was Rachel her professor, she didn't even like the woman. _You don't hafta like a person to wanna shag them,_ the voice in her head sing-songed.

"Oh shut up."

"Excuse me?" Rachel raised a perfectly arched eyebrow toward her. "Is there something you'd like to say?"

"No, no. Uh---"

"Good. I think we're just about finished here, don't you? I won't keep you. You probably want to get home."

"Yeah, Kira is probably waitin'." The words were out before she could stopped then and she winced. Duncan probably hated children and her talking about hers certainly wouldn't get herself into the woman's good graces.

"Kira?"

"Uh, my daughter." It was too late now. The damage had been done.

"How sweet." She answered in a bored tone, prompting Sarah to wonder why she'd asked in the first place. "Is she your only?"

"Yeah," Sarah picked up her bag from the floor. "She's eight. Spunky little thing...smart too."

She swore she saw a ghost of a smile on Rachel's lips. "She must be quite proud of you, going back to school."

Something about the way Rachel's face had softened with her comment caused a strange fluttering low in her belly and she shifted uneasily in the chair.

"I suppose so. Look, Professor. Thanks for your help. I know we got a quiz tomorrow and I'm gonna go home and hit the books, yeah?"

Shoving her textbook into her backpack, she rose, pausing at the door. "You got any kids?"

Rachel's lips settled into a thin line. "No," She said flatly. "I live alone."

  _You arse,_ she silently chastised. "Sorry, that was really none of my business. I'll, er, see you tomorrow then."  
  
"Good night, Miss. Manning." She settled back down at her desk and opened up her laptop as Sarah walked out of the office.

As she studied well into the wee hours of the morning, she couldn't help but think of her professor going home to an empty house. Rachel didn't even have pets, probably, Sarah mused as she stared blankly at the study guide. Didn't seem like the type to want to deal with the nuisance.

 _I'm over here, wonderin' if my professor's got pets,_ she shook her head. If Rachel was lonely (and there was no evidence to say that she was), it was her own doing. Her coldness alienated people and it was difficult to sympathize with someone who seemed to get off on being aloof.

 Still. It was becoming harder to really believe it. Rachel was kinder in their tutoring sessions...patient and encouraging (in a totally blase fashion, of course) and if Sarah was being completely honest, she'd begun to notice her little idiosyncrasies: the way she tapped her nails on the desk when they'd first begin, the way her eyes would light up when Sarah genuinely understood a concept, even if her face remained impassive...tiny things that she'd really only zoned in on when she started paying attention.

She suddenly found herself aching for her sister. God, she didn't know why thinking about Rachel Duncan had brought Helena into her thoughts but there it was. Her twin had gone back to the Ukraine for a bit, leaving a gaping hole, even though she'd be back in a month's time. Helena would certainly have plenty to say about university and Professor Duncan and everything in between and she couldn't wait to run her hand over her sister's mop of unruly blonde curls. Everything was lighter when Helena was around.

The train ride to university the next day was tense. She'd managed to choke down a runny egg and dry toast and it was probably a mistake because they were both flipping around in her stomach.

 _You got this!_ Cosima had texted and she smiled slightly, seeing messages from Alison and Felix as well. The support was great and she appreciated it but shit, it put pressure on. She couldn't fuck it all up now.

In lecture, she slid into her usual back row seat, ignoring the buzzing from her classmates. Rachel always gave the quiz first and the room fell into silence as papers were passed along the rows.

Sarah glanced up to see her professor, standing in front of the room, her back ramrod straight, shoulders squared, as if she were going into battle.

Then it dawned on her. That was exactly what it was. If she failed, so did Rachel. Her eyes met Sarah's for the briefest of moments and she gave a slight nod.

 _Alright then_ , Sarah bit her lip and looked down at her paper. _Alright._

"So...how do you think you did?" Cosima asked two hours later. They were in the student union, Cosima having bought her a victory lunch. ("We don't know if we can call it a victory yet," Sarah had remarked but accepted her friend's gesture all the same.)

"I knew the answers," She shrugged, taking a big bite of her sandwich. "It's anybody's guess if they're good enough for Rachel."  
  
"Rachel?" Cosima raised an eyebrow. "Since when do you call her by her first name?"

"I don't."

"Uh huh. And that sounded defensive. Are you being _defensive_ now? What's going on?"

She adored Cosima, everyone did, really, but there were some things she just didn't understand. Like how Sarah had a difficult time bringing herself to call Siobahn mum, even though she was in every way that mattered. Or how it still plagued her that she'd left Kira. The way she assumed everyone had parents that cared as much as hers did. How someone like Sarah could be defensive over everything because she had never known any other way to be.

"Nothing's going on. She's not as bloody awful as I thought she was, alright?" She fixed at the scarf around her neck (it was Felix's). "Anyway... I'll let you know when I know, yeah? I gotta go. Promised Fee I'd do some shoppin' with him. Thanks for lunch, Cos."

She stepped out into the brisk afternoon air, prepared to head to the train station. She tugged at her jacket, drawing it closer to her body as she strode across the faculty parking lot.

"Miss Manning!"

Instantly, she turned to see Rachel waving her down, standing next to a black Mercedes.

Her heart beat quickened. Rachel wore a black belted trench coat and leather gloves, her cheeks pink from the cold. She looked pretty and the revelation startled Sarah. Elegant and poised, always. But pretty was a novel concept which meant Sarah couldn't quite meet her eyes.

"I just wanted to let you know I graded your quiz," Her voice rose, not startlingly enough to be alarming but an octave above her usually even pitch. "You'll get them back on Thursday but I'd thought you'd like to know...you passed. Better than passed, really. You got an 85."

With that, she allowed herself a slight smile, a mere uplifting of the corners of her mouth, before her lips flattened again. "Congratulations."

She was thunderstruck. She'd passed. She'd actually passed a Rachel Duncan quiz. She had gotten a B. She'd never gotten a B in anything in her life, except art.

Without thinking about it, she impulsively pulled Rachel into a hug.  
  
Rachel instantly stiffened but Sarah felt her arms go around her waist for the briefest of seconds before gently disentangling herself.

"Good work. I'm glad our sessions are helping. Now if you'll excuse me..." With that, she opened the door and slid into the seat.

 _What the hell was that?_   Sarah stood motionless, watching as Rachel drove away. She could attribute her impulsive behavior to being elated over actually passing...

It would have been easy to do that.  
  
It also would have been easy to ignore her racing heart. And how good it had felt to touch her. And the way a blush had risen in Rachel's already pink cheeks.

The leaves crunched under her feet as she walked dazedly out of the parking lot and down the street. She thought about it the whole way to the train and the entire time she was on the train and on the way to Felix's loft.

She thought about it in the stuffy thrift shop while Felix lifted up various shirts and pants to get her opinion.

She thought about it while she picked Kira up from school and while she helped S with dinner and the dishes later and after she'd put Kira to bed.

She thought about it in her own bed, trying to get comfortable, trying not to think about it so she could fall asleep.

She stopped thinking about it only to dream about it, except in her dreams, she hadn't just hugged Rachel. It a was blur of hot kisses and teeth and grasping arms and Rachel's pink mouth. She woke up a little after three, trying to catch her breath, realizing her knickers were soaked.

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew...sorry for the long wait. It was partially because I'm super lazy and partially because I was grieving the end of the show. Anyway, please comment and/or leave kudos if you enjoyed.


	5. Chapter 5

As it turned out, Sarah was awful at having a crush. The whole concept of another person constantly invading her thoughts was so completely foreign that she toyed briefly with the idea of talking to Cos or Alison or Felix. They were all normal (relatively speaking) and she was sure they had more experience in that department than she did. But the second she was alone in a room with one of them, she immediately lost her nerve. It wasn't as if she had to tell them who it was but fuck, she was terrified that they would guess; Cosima, especially, was a little too perceptive.

She didn't do pining. It was the shit of the dumb romantic comedies Alison pulled out and forced her to watch. Even when she was with Cal (and she was softer than she'd ever been), she hadn't lost her sharp edges, hadn't fully let her guard down. She was used to going after what she wanted without fanfare, without pretense. The whole situation was pissing her off. The fact she couldn't pin Rachel against the thin walls of her office and kiss her bloody senseless was making her want to crawl out of her own skin.

As the days dragged on, her anger grew. She hated the way her pulse sped up when she walked into lecture to see Rachel standing in front of the room, tall and regal, like a queen about to address her lowly subjects. She hated their office sessions when she was asked a question she couldn't answer because Rachel's eyes were a deep honey amber and when she looked at her, all the blood in her body pooled directly into her crotch. And she goddamn _hated_ that the woman had suddenly decided to torture her further by showing up to class in dresses. Ones that hugged her hips and showed the slopes of her shoulders. It didn't matter that she wore jackets with them. Every single damn time she'd turn to change a slide, Sarah would be presented with a great view of her ass. She'd have to force herself to listen to the lecture, force herself not to think about how the image would pop into her head when she was lying in bed later on that night. They'd meet for Sarah's tutoring and the jacket would be draped neatly over Rachel's chair. It was an exercise in complete and total restraint. She would bite down on her lower lip hard, to the point of drawing blood, sucking in a breath, staring at the nameplate, the floor, the worn shoelaces of her boot...anything to avoid dragging her eyes over the expanse of Rachel's collarbone, over the freckles which lightly dusted her shoulders.

She hated Rachel and she hated herself more and she hated that she was in this predicament in the first place. It didn't help matters that the mid-term was in three days time and just the thought of taking such a big test was making her itchy.

"I've made you some study guides," Rachel handed her a short stack of papers from across the desk. It had been an uneventful session, but Sarah was finding it difficult not to let her frayed nerves make her speak tersely whenever she opened her mouth. It was exhausting to keep her eyes from wandering and it was exhausting to pretend it hadn't mattered that their fingers brushed when Sarah took the study guide from her. She wanted to be on the train. She wanted to be at home, staying busy enough to forget the woman existed.

"These are a bit more expansive than the ones I've given in class," She focused her gaze upon Sarah steadily. "I do hope they'll be helpful."

"You think I need the extra help? Why, professor, you don't think I'm gonna pass, eh?"

If Rachel noticed the bite in her comment, she ignored it. "You're doing quite well, you know. Your quizzes have all been in the B to A minus range. I don't see any reason to believe you won't pass. Provided you study diligently, of course."

"Then why the more _expansive_ study guide? Obviously, you think I need it, yeah?" Sarah knew she was on the defense again, felt her walls go up as she crossed leather clad arms across her chest.

"You're nervous. I can assure you, there's no need to be. If you have any questions that come up, my phone number is on the syllabus. You can contact me. I'm here quite late most nights."

The loneliness of her statement bled into Sarah's skin. She didn't want to see Rachel as a person. She didn't need any more reasons to justify this bloody stupid thing she had for the woman, a thing she just couldn't seem to cop to.

It was easy to put up barricades, like slipping into a well worn pair of jeans. Sarah was a master builder. Glaring, she sat up straight, teetering on the edge of the chair dangerously.

"What d'ya know about being nervous about anythin'? What it's like to fight for every bloody thing you ever had? I know people like you, Professor. You haven't had to work for shite."

She was pushing it, she knew. Hoping Rachel would break, would rage, tell her to get out of her office. She wanted to cause a crack in the armor, to see if the woman was more than just a robot. Breaking Rachel down seemed infinitely better than facing the fact that what she really wanted to do was scrape her canines along the hollow of her throat.

Rachel stood and slowly came to sit beside her, something she hadn't done since their very first meeting when she'd offered her help. Instinctively, Sarah moved to the corner of the chair that was the farthest away.

"Shut up and stop feeling sorry for yourself," The blonde said lowly. The intonation of her voice didn't change, but her words made Sarah raise her eyes. "You know as well as I do, you're an intelligent woman. You can pass this course...so you're using the fact you've struggled as an excuse. And you're correct, yes, I had the means to succeed but my upbringing only served to plant the seeds." Rachel said calmly. "I strove for excellence because it was what everyone expected of me but I was at the top of my class because that's what I believed I deserved." She paused. "You don't believe you deserve to be here, do you?"

_Just stop talking. Stop. stop. stop._

She swallowed thickly. "Look, I gotta go."

"Miss. Manning, it wasn't my intention to--"

Sarah shook her head. "It's fine. I'll see you on Monday." She grabbed her things, not bothering to look back at Rachel who hadn't moved from the chair beside hers.

Instead of going home, she texted S that she was going to study at the library. Kira was spending the night at a friend's so there wasn't any need to rush back. At home, all she'd do was mope about and Siobahn would ask questions that she wasn't prepared to answer.

God, she was wrecked. A year and a half ago, there would have been no hesitation about lying about where she was going. The old Sarah wouldn't have blinked about telling S she was going to the library and then heading to the bar instead. The ache for a drink now was strong and her throat clenched with the thought of the delicious burn a glass of bourbon would provide.

 _I need to study_ , she managed to convince herself, striding across campus to her destination. Her concentration had been shit lately and if she didn't focus, she was definitely going to fail.

The library, unsurprisingly, was mostly empty. A Friday night meant most students who lived on campus either had gone home for the weekend or had headed downtown to dance or drink.

 _Thank god for small favors_ , she thought as she slunk into a corner which was so deeply embedded in the building that there were no windows. She was glad. She wanted to be in isolation. Maybe it would give her time to come to her bloody senses.

Hours went by and though Rachel's study guide made the process much easier, Sarah still found herself completely overwhelmed with the sheer volume of the material they were expected to know. Her stomach growled loudly reminding her she hadn't eaten since lunch.

But she stayed, scanning the text until her eyes had glazed over and she'd all but erased the look on the professor face as she'd left her office. Rubbing her eyes, she stretched greedily. The crick in her neck reminded her just how long she'd been at it and she rubbed it absentmindedly. She took a glance at her phone. It was nearly ten and she'd been sitting there for almost five hours so she gathered up her things and left.

It was much colder than it had been when she had entered the library and as she walked, a shiver passed through her body. The train was only ten minutes away so breaking into a trot, she bounded across the quad, running past buildings, trying to keep the bitter September air from sinking into her bones.

A figure clad in black stepped out of Building B, lap top case slung over their shoulder, pulling on a pair of gloves.

Rachel.

Sarah let out a breath. The professor had raised her head as she ran past so it was too late to pretend she hadn't seen her.

"Hello," The blonde greeted coolly, straightening the belt of her coat. " It's quite late. I'm surprised you're still here."

"Er, yeah. I was studyin' for the mid-term." _Why does she always look like she stepped out of bloody Vogue or sumthin'_ , she thought sourly. 

"On a Friday evening?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Touche," Rachel's lips curled slightly. "Well, do let me give you a lift home. It's very cold this evening."

Oh no fucking way, she wanted to protest. It was the worst possible idea and she knew it.

"Uh, the train's just down the road. I can--"

"Then I can drive you to the train. You're hardly dressed appropriately for this type of weather." She eyed her thin jacket and ripped jeans.

"Er, fine. Thanks."

"I'm parked just a short ways away."

They walked in silence, Sarah trailing slightly behind the other woman. Her stride, even in stilettos, was graceful and elegant and instead of envying Rachel's poise, she was entranced by it.

They reached the parking lot, Rachel pressing a button on her keys to open the doors to her car.

"Nice wheels," Sarah commented as she slid inside. The car was like Rachel, of course. Elegant and sleek. It was entirely unsurprising.

"It does its job," Rachel started the engine. "What time does the train come?"

Why did she get the impression the woman had never ridden public transportation in her life? Sarah shrugged. "I dunno...They run every fifteen minutes or so to where I live."

"Mmmm. Are you sure you wouldn't rather a ride home?" The thought of spending an elongated amount of time trapped in a small space with Rachel sent her stomach into knots. She shook her head quickly.

"I'm sure, thanks." They drove in silence, Sarah staring into the blackness, watching leafless trees cast shadows onto the pavement as the car sped on.

"Can I ask you sumthin'?" She spoke to the window.

"Sure." Rachel cast a side long glance at her passenger.

"Why did you become a professor? I mean, is it what you always wanted to do?"

Rachel took in a quick, sharp breath. "No." Her grip tightened on the steering wheel. "I enjoy what I do, of course. But it wasn't what I wanted initially."

Her candor took Sarah aback. "It wasn't?"

"I wanted to be an artist. I was looking into art schools, actually, but I was told it wasn't practical. My parents were both professors, so naturally everyone assumed I'd follow in their footsteps."

"Oh...your parents...they uh, gave you a rough time about the whole thing?"

Her expression settled into an unreadable mask. "My mother. My father died when I was six years old."

"Sorry." She didn't know what to say. She never did in these situations and for a second, she thought about telling her about Siobahn and her own past before clamping her lips together.

"Please don't be. Susan was... She cared for me in her own way, I suppose. We're estranged currently." She snuck another quick glance at Sarah. "I apologize if I'm sharing too much."

"No...I asked." Sarah paused, running her thumb errantly over the smooth interior. "I just wanted to know."

"I realize I have a reputation for being demanding. I'm not immune to gossip." Rachel cut in before Sarah could protest. "And I'm certainly not one of the more popular professors in the department. But I'm good at what I do and that's what matters."

The sentiment sounded as if she'd rehearsed it. Something that the more times she said it, it would begin to be true.

They pulled into the station parking lot. The area surrounding the train was empty, indicating they may had just missed it. Sarah debated heading out of the car and taking her chances in the cold. Her hand was on the door handle when Rachel sighed.

"I want to apologize for being out of line during our session. It wasn't my place and I'm sorry."

She was focused on a spot somewhere in the distance and Sarah shook her head. It was painfully apparent the woman wasn't used to apologizing to anyone. She had voiced the sentiment so rapidly that Sarah wasn't even sure she'd said it at all.

"Yeah, well..." She ran a hand through her hair, "I'm sorry then too. I came at you hard," Involuntarily, she shuddered at her choice of words, "Uh, I was a bitch and you didn't deserve it."

"You have seemed tense lately." This time, the professor turned to look at her. "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," She heard herself saying, her voice barely above a whisper. "Yes. I mean, I dunno. I...I'm just so bloody pissed off all the time, yeah? Like I wanna punch a wall or sumthin'. And it's not gettin' any better."

"What's not getting any better?"

Sarah's eyes bore into hers, dark and hooded.

"This is...this is complete shite. I can't eat and I can't sleep and I can't stop thinkin' about it."

A look of realization crossed over Rachel's features. She inhaled once and then twice through her nose before focusing back on the other woman. "Thinking about what?"

There was the smallest tremor in her tone and Sarah hated it. God, she fucking just... _hated,_ period. She was no stranger to self-loathing but now she couldn't stand it. It was pathetic and weak and---

The seat belt came off with a loud snap and she found herself reaching over to cup Rachel's cheek, running her fingers down her jawline.

" _Sarah_." Her name in Rachel's mouth was a warning, a signal to proceed with caution but she ignored it because she had seen Rachel's breathing hitch, seen her chest heave as she took off own seat belt, felt her lean into her hand.

On her lips was every excuse why this would be an incredibly terrible idea and Sarah knew it. She knew she should drop her hand from Rachel's face and she knew she should still the fingers blooming across her cheek and she knew she should get the hell out of the car as fast as she bloody could and pretend on Monday morning, she'd had a complete and total lapse in judgement.

Instead, she crawled into Rachel's lap and kissed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the awesome response to this story. I'm having a great time writing it and I'll try to update a little bit faster, I swear.
> 
> I appreciate the comments/kudos more than you know!


	6. Chapter 6

Sarah had never been particularly skilled at thinking before she acted, at considering consequences. But there was no split second to consider anything, not when she was straddling Rachel's lap and the blonde was moaning into her mouth and Rachel's hands grasped her waist, anchoring her, before roaming underneath her jacket, fingers brushing bare skin.

Rachel was melting into the kiss, her lips soft and pliant, and Sarah was relieved. Relieved that she didn't have to think about it anymore, relieved that Rachel was kissing her back, and relieved that it felt as good as it did.

And it felt damn _good_. She had never given much thought to what Rachel coming undone would look like...she was far too polished for it to seem likely. But there she was, bringing her hips up to crash against Sarah, hands tangling in her hair, kissing like she was starving for something. Dimly, in the back of her mind, she wondered what it meant that Rachel hadn't recoiled in horror, hadn't pushed her away, but she was sick of overthinking.

She broke away only to trail her lips down Rachel's neck, leaving tiny nips in lieu of kisses, not hard enough to mark, but to see if she'd thrust her hips up again. When she did, Sarah kissed down toward her throat, alternating between using teeth and her tongue, feeling Rachel shuddering underneath her while she lapped up the saltiness of her skin.

A sound between a moan and a gasp escaped Rachel's lips and she tipped Sarah's chin up to kiss her again. All she could hear was Rachel's ragged breath and her own shaky attempts for air as the blonde slipped up the front of Sarah's shirt, taking her breasts in the palms of her hands. She felt herself get lost, lost, lost in how Rachel tasted and the way she felt underneath her thighs and she didn't want to be recovered.

The lights of the oncoming train filled the small space of the car and Rachel pulled back, breathless.

"Your train," she rasped, her fingers paused in Sarah's tangles. The information took a minute to sink in as Sarah tried to catch her breath.

Rachel was all smeared lipstick and disheveled hair and wild eyes. The sight of her so destroyed was almost enough to say fuck the train and lean in to kiss her again.

Something in Rachel's face gave her pause. Fear, maybe? Sarah didn't know but it forced her off of Rachel's lap, to pick up her jacket from the seat.

"You should go." There was no ice in her tone, no bored indifference, but it was obvious to Sarah that Rachel was exhausted. She knew how that was. Kissing Rachel felt like a wild fire, some crazy, out of control blaze that could take her down completely if she wasn't careful.

"Yeah...yeah, uh, thanks for the ride." Without a second glance, she clambered out of the car and hurried to the train as it lurched to a stop.

She slid into the seat, smoothing down her hair in a poor attempt to restore an order that she never had. She could still feel the softness of Rachel's lips. And her hands. And the unabashed need. Her breathing sped up again, thinking of the way Rachel had arched into her and she stifled a groan. As the train took off again, she caught a glimpse of the parking lot.

Rachel's car was still there.

**********************************************************

 "Hey, earth to Sarah." Cosima waved a hand in front of her face. "Do you want my help with this or not?"

Pulling herself back to the present, Sarah shook her head. "Uh, sorry. Yeah, let's go again. Ask me another question."

It was Sunday night and Cosima had come over for dinner, staying afterward to help her study for the following day's mid-term. Siobahn and Kira were occupied playing a board game downstairs and they had gone up to her room.

Cosima stretched across the length of her bed and stared at her, propping her chin up on her hands. "Don't take this the wrong way, my dude, but you look like shit."

"I feel like shit," Sarah admitted, raking her hands down over her face. Christ, Cos, I'm never gonna remember all this. What's the bloody point?"

"If you're gonna sit here and be all defeated before you've even taken the damn thing, I'm out, OK? I love you Sarah, but this constant negativity is bullshit." She paused, pushing up her glasses. "Would you tell Kira there was no point if she was having a tough time studying for something?"

"You know I wouldn't," she grumbled, leaning back in her chair to rest her feet on the desk. "Look, I get your point. But this is a big test, yeah? And I didn't get as much studyin' done yesterday as I wanted."

She purposely left out that Siobahn and Felix had taken Kira for lunch and shopping so that she could have the house to herself to study and that they were gone most of the day. She'd halfheartedly opened her textbook and stared at it, hoping she'd somehow absorb information and spent a wasted hour looking at Rachel's number on the syllabus and arguing with herself whether or not to shoot off a text.

She hadn't, of course. What could she say? "I'm sorry," was just about the only thing that came to mind, but that wasn't right because she wasn't. She was a fucking mess, that was true, but she certainly wasn't sorry.

"Don't stress, okay. You know this stuff. You'll be completely fine."

For a second, she wondered how Cosima would react if she told her that she wasn't as nervous for the test as she was facing Rachel. She'd be disappointed, probably. And that would be the worst, because people weren't disappointed in her anymore. She made better choices now and she could see how Siobahn had relaxed, started to smile again and Felix teased her the same as before and Kira...Kira had her mum back.

"Yeah," She sighed. "Let's get on with it then."

They went over the material for two more hours and by the time Cosima left and she put Kira to bed, she was slightly more confident about the mid-term and decidedly less confident about speaking to Rachel. If they would talk about it at all. Rachel seemed the type who would try to sweep everything under the rug, to pretend it never happened.

I wish I could, Sarah thought, stripping out of her jeans and crawling in between the sheets. If she'd thought acting on her feelings would get something out of her system, she was wrong.

The next morning, she choked down some breakfast (at Siobahn's insistence), kissed Kira good-bye, and walked slowly to the train.

There was a lot riding on the mid-term...not just passing, but doing well was validation that going to university had been the right decision, that everyone's faith in her hadn't been in vain. In a strange way, she wanted validation for Rachel too...for her to know she wasn't just a fuck up and that she hadn't wasted weeks of her life tutoring her.

The lecture hall was unusually quiet. Nearly everyone had their heads buried in their notes, hoping to cram an extra two minutes of studying in before Rachel handed out the test.

Sarah let her eyes travel down to the front of the room to where Rachel was organizing papers at the desk. She looked perfectly calm and Sarah didn't really know why she'd expected otherwise.

"Good morning," she acknowledged the room, and immediately, people around Sarah put their notebooks and papers away. "In a few moments, I'll be passing out your mid-term examination."

Rachel wore a tailored navy blue dress with a plunging neckline, no jacket, and black suede Louboutin's (which Sarah only recognized because Alison had a similar pair that she only wore on special occasions). Her mouth went dry.

"You will have the entire class period to complete your exam. After you complete it, you may leave. As is our class policy, your phones must be completely off. If anyone is seen looking at their phone at all, it will be an automatic zero for an exam grade." Her eyes landed briefly on Sarah. "You may begin as soon as you receive it. Good luck."

Heart pounding, she mumbled a thanks as she took the test from the girl in the row in front of her. It was a thick stack of papers and she cursed silently.

 _Hey_ , Sarah scanned the exam, flipping pages, _You know all this. This is what was on the guide Rachel gave you._ Taking a deep breath, she dove in.

She managed to finish before the two hour mark, sailing through both the multiple choice and the short essays. Finishing meant taking the test down to Rachel and the thought of facing her again was making her more anxious than taking the actual mid-term.

"All finished?" Rachel barely glanced up as Sarah placed the test face down on the desk.

"Yeah. Wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be." She shrugged, trying to sound casual.

With that, the blonde raised her gaze, her eyes as bright as ever, and Sarah swallowed hard. "Is that so? Well," she quirked an eyebrow, "I look forward to grading it."

In a slight movement, she pushed a slip of paper toward her which Sarah retrieved and shoved into her jeans pocket. "Thank you, Miss. Manning." That was Rachel's way of dismissing her and she turned on her heel to go.

"What the bloody hell," Sarah growled when she was safely outside the lecture hall. It was her own fault, expecting Rachel to show some sort of emotion regarding what had happened. It wasn't as if she'd thought the blonde would profess her love or make sweeping declarations and that wasn't what she wanted either, but the indifference was startling. She reached into her pocket to retrieve the crumpled piece of paper, her face contorting as she read it.

_Sarah,_

_Please meet me in my office at 2 p.m. to discuss the events that occurred on Friday evening. If you are unable to meet at this time, please send me an email right away._

_Best Regards,_

_Rachel Duncan_

Rachel certainly had no experience writing personal notes and Sarah snorted, sticking the paper into her jacket pocket. Everything about it screamed business letter, including the fact she'd felt it necessary to put her last name, as if Sarah might think the note was from another Rachel.

At least she wanted to talk about it at all, she acknowledged, walking toward the student union. She had some time to kill and thinking about what could possibly happen was bound to make her insane. Over a coffee, she busied herself by answering texts from Cosima, Alison, and Felix asking how her test had gone and an email from Helena, full of bubbling happiness over spending time with her adoptive parents. She smiled at the enthusiasm her twin managed to convey through just words, the ache in her chest over missing her was a little less knowing how joyful she was.

Finally, it was time to go to Rachel's office and thankfully, she had to make her way to the other side of campus, giving her time to control her breathing. The woman had an effect on her like no one else and she wasn't sure that she liked it.

"Hello, Sarah." she said as Sarah entered. "Tea?"

To her surprise, Rachel had two cups and saucers waiting on the desk, the teapot hovering over the second cup. Even though she had just had coffee, Sarah found herself nodding.

"Here we are," she fixed the tea as the other woman sat, rising to place it in front of her, her perfume drifting into Sarah's nostrils as she did.

"So," Rachel settled back down in the seat across from her, "I'm not quite sure where to begin, except I acted inappropriately and I'm---"

"Don't bloody apologize," Sarah shook her head. "I kissed _you_ , remember?"

"Lower your voice, please. I have colleagues on the other side of this office." She looked pained.

"Sorry. Look, Rachel, you did nothin' wrong, yeah? It was all me. I kissed you. And I wanted it. This sounds stupid but you're all I've been thinkin' about for weeks...if anyone acted inappropriate, it was me."

The knowledge of this confession flashed on Rachel's face and she inhaled. "I didn't exactly turn you away, did I?"

Taking a risk, Sarah moved her tea cup and reached across the surface of the desk to brush Rachel's hand. "Rachel---" She slid her fingers over her knuckles. For a minute, neither of them moved.

"Sarah, please listen to me. This can't be anything more than a one time occurrence. Attractions aside---" 

"You're attracted to me," she grinned. "Really...I mean, yeah, I guess I could tell a bit."

"I didn't want to be," Rachel confessed, pulling her hand away gently. "I didn't want to think about it. I knew giving you a ride home might have had certain... _consequences_...it was wrong of me. I'm your professor."

"I don't see what the problem is. We're both adults and you can't get fired anyway, you're tenured."

"The _problem_ is I crossed a line. One I can't uncross. My colleagues don't think highly of me as it is. They speak about me behind my back. If I were to enter into a relationship with a student, no one would take me seriously again. It's my reputation at stake, Sarah. And I've worked too hard to---"

"No, you don't hafta finish," Sarah slumped in her chair, "I get it. I don't wanna cause trouble for you, Rachel."

Her mouth was a tight, drawn line.

"Thank you. And I'm very sorry, but I think we should drop the tutoring sessions. You've improved tremendously since the term began. You don't need me anymore. It's better to avoid the temptation."

"Yeah, yeah...I guess so." She tapped her boot on the linoleum. "Can you answer me one thing though? If this was different, the whole situation, would this be sumthin'...." she trailed off.

"I'd want to pursue?" Rachel looked at her. "You know the answer, Sarah."

"I wanna hear you say it." 

The blonde clearly knew she was being baited but she bit her lower lip, her mouth softening. 

"Yes," she said quietly, "it would be something I'd want to pursue."

It was the answer she'd wanted but it wasn't a satisfying one and she rose abruptly. "Are we finished then?"

"Yes, I believe we are. And Sarah, I do wish things could've worked out differently." Regret spilled from her tone and Sarah dug her nails into her palm.

"Yeah, me too." She turned toward the door. "I'll see you in class, Professor."

Her breathing labored, she took out her phone, pausing as she attempted to calulate the time difference. She punched in a number, heart beating loudly, both grateful and terrified when her intentioned party answered on the first ring.

"Oi, meathead, it's me. No, everything's fine. Shit, no, that's a bloody lie. I'm so fucked, Helena. So, so, fucked."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helena was adopted in the Ukraine by a nice family and is off visiting them. :)
> 
> As always, your responses and kudos keep me going, so thank you all! <3


	7. Chapter 7

Helena had the uncanny ability to make any situation better. She didn't offer unsolicited (but well-meaning) advice like Alison or a carefully thought out analysis like Cosima did or tell you the god awful honest truth but ultimately decide to support you no matter how insane your idea was like Fee...it was more that she tended to be on your side from the second you began speaking. She was in your corner and you knew it. Sarah wasn't looking for her twin to give her any pointers on how to handle her feelings when she called. It was more that she needed to hear her, to feel the warmth she exuded, even from miles and miles away. Helena's voice over the phone felt like a hug.

"I can't stop thinkin' about her, Helena," she sunk down on a bench outside Building B. Luckily, it was early enough where she'd caught her sister before she'd started to get ready for bed.

"You like her, yes?" Her reply was garbled and Sarah realized she had stuffed something in her mouth. _Some things never change,_ she smiled in spite of herself.

"Yeah, I guess," she sighed, picking at a tear in her pants. "I dunno why. She's the complete opposite of anyone I'd ever even speak to."

"She is very beautiful?" 

She smiled slightly. "Totally. But that's not why--" she shook her head. "I can't explain it...but it's like a magnet, yeah? It's---," she exhaled, "there's just this _thing_ about her."

"I want only for you to be happy, sestra." Helena chewed thoughtfully. "If she makes you happy, this pretty teacher---"

"She's makin' me crazy right now. I mean, I get why she's afraid. I don't exactly wanna tell everyone I know I'm shagging my professor. Which I'm not," she added hurriedly. "But if I was...dontcha think S and Felix and everyone else would just jump to bloody conclusions and think I'm only usin' her for a good grade? But it's not like that. I might wanna---" she hesitated, "I actually might wanna see where this goes. Where it could go, if Rachel would give me the bloody time of day."

"Ah, like be her...how do you say, girlfriend?"

In her mind's eye, she could see her grinning impishly on one side of her mouth and the mental picture sent such a pang of loneliness into the center of her chest that she had to shrug it off in order not to cry.

"No, meathead, not like a girlfriend. I mean, yeah, maybe. But I'm not gonna go put a stupid label on it."

"Well," she could hear Helena adjusting the phone on her shoulder, "If you like this Rachel, maybe you tell her what you tell me..."

"It's not that simple," she sighed. "She gave me reasons why she can't---good reasons. Look, Helena, I'm sorry I bothered you. It's late there."

"It is no bother, sestra. I am glad you call. Also, that you trust me to tell me this."

"You're the only one I trust to tell," Sarah told her honestly. "I don't think anyone else would understand."

"You call me again if you need to talk, yes?" Helena was wistful. "I am missing you. And little Kira too. Three weeks is long time."

"Yeah, we've waited this long, though." She was shit at trying to brighten anything, that was Helena's gift. Still, she hated when her twin hurt in any fashion and would do just about anything to cheer her up.

"Tell her Auntie Helena brings her many things from Ukraine."

"I will. But she's most excited to see you. You've gotten the pictures she's drawn?"

"Yes. I hang them up in my room." Sarah heard a muffled noise as her sister held the phone away and said something in Ukrainian. "Sarah, I will have tea before bed with my mother and father. I will talk to you soon, yes?"

"Yeah, of course. And I miss you too, meathead." _Don't you bloody cry_ , she sniffed hard, getting up from the bench. "Next month will be here before you know it."

"Yes. Study hard, sestra. You are smart. You make me much proud." Helena sounded as if she was fighting tears as well and the thought didn't help the situation.

"Bye Helena." She hung up before they both started blubbering and headed for home. 

********************************************* 

"Hey, mind if I join you?" 

Sarah shrugged as her brother sat down next to her in the glider. They had just finished a cozy family dinner and after she'd put Kira to bed, she'd headed out to the backyard. It was the place she tended to go to clear her head nowadays when going down to Bobby's Bar wasn't really much of an option.

Siobahn had checked on her once but when she'd said she was fine, had accepted the fact she wanted solitude and ducked back into the house. Felix wasn't as easily dissuaded and he settled in, crossing his arms across his chest. "Bit chilly, isn't it?"

Sarah shrugged again, the familiarity of the gesture causing her brother to roll his eyes. "Feels good. Then again, _I_ wasn't stupid enough to come out without my coat."

He nudged her in the ribs. "Yeah, well...I was worried. You only hang out here when something's wrong."

The night sky was starless and she brought her gaze instead to the crescent moon casting shadows on the trees. Felix had always been too intuitive for his own good. Even when he was small, if she was sad or sick or in some sort of trouble, he could just sense it. It had come in handy when she was a teenager and needed someone to cover for her when she snuck out with a random boy in the middle of the night...she knew Fee would never rat her out, even though she gave him cause for a heart attack on multiple occasions.

"I'm being serious, Sarah." Felix's eyes were warm. "You've been weird lately...even for you. Mum's worried."

She turned her head sharply. "Is she? This is the first I'm hearin' of it. Shite, Fee, she still doesn't trust me, after everythin'---"

"She's concerned is all. So am I."

"But she hasn't said anythin' to me." A realization dawned on her and she looked at him. "Did she put you up to this? The truth, Felix."

"What? No, no! She doesn't even know I was going to say anything. I think she wanted to speak to you herself before, ya know, she jumped to conclusions."

It was an on going battle for S's trust and though she knew very well, it was her own doing, it still hurt that every time she was out late and didn't check in or even withdrew the slightest inch, everyone was automatically concerned. "Trust is something that has to be earned, Sarah," S would tell her when she was younger and she'd protested the woman's harsh rules. She supposed it still held true, but couldn't help but wonder if she would ever fully earn it back from the people who mattered most in her life.

"I'm not on drugs again, if that's what you think."

"It's not," Felix treaded carefully, "But thanks for letting me know."

"Yeah." she exhaled, lowering her eyes. "Sure."

"But something is up. Is it school? You were doing better, I thought."

"I am. No, it's not school." It was school, in a way, but she wasn't about to let Felix know he was correct. "Christ, this is embarassin'." She furrowed her brow and turned to him again. "Have you ever," Pausing, she fumbled for the right words, "have you ever wanted sumthin' you can't have?"

Felix chewed on his lower lip, musing. "Something or somebody?"

"Both, I s'pose.

A wide grin spread across her brother's face and he grabbed her arm excitedly. "Sarah Manning! Are you telling me you have a crush? Oh my God, I never thought I'd bloody live to see the day."

"Oh piss _off_ , will ya? That's why I didn't wanna say anythin...I'd knew you'd make a big thing out of it."

"It is a big thing," his eyes widened comically and in spite of the fact she was mortified, Sarah hid a smile.

"It's _so_ not."

"Yeah, it is." He insisted, finally releasing her arm. "You don't have crushes. You and me, we're not the type of people who go about mooning over boys." Felix paused, considering. "Is it a boy? I didn't mean to assume."

She shook her head. "S'ok. Most definitely not. And before you ask, Fee, no, you don't know her."

"Well, don't hold back, where'd you meet her?"

"School," she answered honestly. "I wasn't too fond of her at first...she was kinda uptight n'all. But she...she grew on me."

"That," Felix gestured, "that is exactly what I'm talking about."

Sarah brought her hand to her face self-consciously. "What?"

"That ridiculous smile. You've been alternating between that, a scowl, and looking like you lost your best friend for days now. This crush explains everything."

"Yeah, well, doesn't matter anyway. We can't---it's bloody complicated. It's better for everyone if we don't act on anythin'." she drew her knees up to her chest. "We discussed it today."

"Ah, that's why you were so quiet during dinner." Felix placed a hand on her shoulder, "You worried about what S will say then? Sarah, she knows you sleep with girls, it wouldn't exactly shock her. And as long as whoever she is is relatively straight laced, no pun intended, Mum would want you to bring her 'round."

"I wish it were that simple. I mean, she's definitely the kind of woman Siobahn would love...she's got a good job, her own place, a nice car...she's got her shit together. But the timing...it's all off, Fee."

"For you or for her?"

"Both of us, maybe. I'm just startin' to get my life on track, yeah? Maybe this would just make things messy...besides, can you picture me with a girlfriend? You saw how it was with Cal. I was bloody terrible in a relationship. I cheated, I lied to him..."

"You were a different person back then," he reminded her gently. "People change."

"They don't. Not really."

They sat in silence for a moment, swinging their legs, making the glider drift back and forth. Felix curled up against her and she slung an arm around him to draw him into her warmth. "You really like her, don't you?" he rested his head on her shoulder.

"A lot more than I bloody should," Sarah admitted softly. She sighed again. It seemed as if all she did these days was sigh and if she could've mustered anything up, if there had been anything left to muster up, it would've pissed her off again.

"So what are ya gonna do about it?"

"Not think about it, I guess. Focus on school and Kira and hang out with you and the girls. Nothin' more I can do."

"You really believe that?"

"Drop it, alright. And not a word of it to S, yeah? I'll talk to her myself...tell her I've been distracted with the midterm. Apologize for makin' her worry." She kissed the top of his head. "You're the best, you know."

"Yeah," he acknowledged, giving her a squeeze in return, "I know." 

**************************

"I will call you individually to receive your mid-terms," Rachel spoke from behind the desk. "Most of you did rather well. Some of you did not. Please remember, the mid-term accounts for 20 percent of your final grade, so plan accordingly."

There was fifteen minutes left in class and Rachel's lecture had been unusually subdued. During most classes, she spent ample time on each slide, allowing for note taking and questions but today, she had breezed through them at a rapid pace, ignoring any raised hands. It was as if she couldn't be bothered. Her odd behavior, coupled with getting the mid-term back and seeing how she'd done was making Sarah frantic. It wasn't a good combination and she felt the coffee she'd had that morning rise back up in her throat.

Rachel looked the same as she always did, except Sarah noted, she'd gone back to wearing skirt suits. Today's was black with an pinstriped shirt underneath and heels so dangerously high that she wondered how the hell the other woman managed to walk in them. It was as if the ridiculously impractical shoes were a defiance of some sort. She knew a big "fuck you", when she saw it.

Sarah sat, bracing herself, as her classmates were called to retrieve their mid-terms. Rachel's face gave nothing away but she could tell who passed and who didn't just by looking at the person who walked back up the aisle, their shoulders either swooped back in relieved pride or collapsed in disappointment.

"Sarah Manning," Rachel's voice rang out and gulping silently, she walked down to the front of the room.

"Outstanding job," The professor said lowly, handing Sarah the paper. She didn't offer a smile but it didn't matter. Her words warmed the other woman.

"Thanks," Sarah returned lightly and made her way back to her seat where she finally allowed herself to both let out the breath she'd been holding and glance at the red penned grade in the upper left hand corner.

98\. She'd gotten a 98 on one of the most important tests of the semester. A swell of pride bloomed in her chest and she fought back the urge to whoop out loud.

Rachel dismissed them not long after and Sarah walked out of lecture hall, floating on air. She texted everyone she knew, including Siobahn who texted back a series of exclamation points and a "I knew you could do it, chicken!" with the promise of a special dinner when she made it home.

"I knew I did well," she bragged to Alison over the phone as she headed toward the train. "It was easy. I mean, not easy, but I knew the answers. All the answers, actually." A realization hit and she froze. Something wasn't right. She'd noticed it when she was taking the test but her anxiety had been so overwhelming that she shoved the thought aside. 

"Alison? Can I call you back? There's sumthin' I gotta check out. Yeah...Friday night for sure. See ya then. Thanks. OK, love you too."

Hanging up the phone, she shoved it into her pocket and ducked into the library.

"Sarah?" Rachel blinked in surprise when she got up to answer the knock on her office door. "Is everything alright? You look rather troubled."

"Uh, sorry...I know I didn't have an appointment or anythin'." She ran a hand through her hair. "It's about the mid-term."

"Of course, come in, please." she shut the door behind her as Sarah sat in her usual chair. "You did extremely well." Rachel settled in behind the desk, crossing her legs. "You should be very proud of yourself."

"I was," Sarah's eyes bore into hers, "Until I realized you gave me the whole bloody exam." She dug out a rumpled copy of the study sheet and thrust it toward her.

Rachel regarded her calmly. "It's merely a guide, Sarah. You'd expressed concern on not knowing exactly what you needed to in order to do well on the test."

"Yeah and you gave me exactly what was going to be on it, Rachel. Multiple choice, essays, the whole lot. That's why it was a more intensive sheet than what you handed out in lecture." She laughed humorlessly. "It's the whole damn thing."

"Are you suggesting I helped you to cheat?" Her tone was ice. "Because that's a very serious accusation."

"No. I think that you wanted me to do well. But I could've done just as well on my own," Sarah glowered, "I didn't need you givin' me any special treatment, just because---

"Because what?"

Defeated, she slumped down. "Never bloody mind."

"This is precisely why getting involved with a student is a terrible idea. If you think I pulled measures to ensure you got a good grade, what would other people assume?" Rachel shook her head. "Sarah, regardless of what you choose to believe, the guide was only an outline. The questions were in the same realm of what was on the exam, but that's all. You did well because you studied. And because you're extremely bright. I had little to do with it."

"You had everythin' to do with it and you know it."

What was she thinking, storming into Rachel's office, demanding validation? If she knew anything about the woman by now, it was that she didn't engage when Sarah flew off the handle. If anything, she was overly collected, as if to let her know her outbursts had no affect whatsoever.

It made her absolutely insane.

"Sarah," Rachel sighed, "I really don't know how to get you to--"

"That's not what I mean. You tutoring me. I wouldn't be passin' at all, if it weren't for you." Her tone hadn't softened, even though her words said otherwise.

"Then why do you still sound so angry? I thought we resolved...matters."

"No, you resolved matters. Look," she lowered her voice, "I get all the reasons this is a horrible idea and let's be realistic, we'd probably end up killin' each other, yeah? But I can't help the way I feel. If I did, d'ya think I'd even be here?"

Sarah knew she sounded desperate and whiny but she couldn't bring herself to care. It was all so absurd and ridiculous and---

Rachel was sitting beside her.

Correction, she was _leaning_ into her, speaking into her ear.

"You are acting like a petulant child. "

She shivered as Rachel's breath hit her neck. "Yeah, well then, I'm sick of you treatin' me like one. Givin' me all these silly rules that I can't follow because I'm shit at it, always have been."

"Yes. And that's the problem. You want to test the rules, test me, but that's where you're wrong." She didn't touch her, didn't move any closer but Sarah squirmed anyway. "I've been alone for a long time, Sarah. Long enough where I don't need anyone. Not family, not friends, and certainly not any complications."

"Is that what I am to you then, a complication."

She nodded. "I like my life the way it is. Simple. Routine. I'm not about to risk my career and my...livelihood to---"

"Fuck around?" Sarah seethed, "You think that's what this is about? That I just want to fuck you...what, that you're some conquest to me?" she shook her head, laughing. "Christ, you're bloody unbelievable, you know that?" She turned to her, eyes ablaze. "Is it so hard to believe that someone wants you? Not just for a shag...but you? And don't go askin' me why, yeah? Because I don't know...you're completely off your nut and you make me completely crazy and I honestly wish I had feelings for anyone else on the whole bloody planet."

Rachel sat back in the other chair, silent. She looked stunned, Sarah thought, not without an air of satisfaction. _Well, good. Serves her bloody right._

"I don't think we should talk about this here," Rachel crossed and uncrossed her legs and Sarah recognized she was uneasy.

"Where would ya like to talk about it then?"

"Sarah---"

"No, just stop. Stop with the bloody excuses. Because you can deny it up and down, Rachel, but the bottom line is, you want me too."

The other woman met her eyes and let out a deep, resigned exhale.

"Fine. If you want to have a more in depth discussion, you can come by tonight."

Stepping behind the desk once again, she scrawled something on a post-it and handed it to Sarah.

"This your address?" she looked at her in disbelief. "You wanna meet at your apartment? I was thinkin' more like, ya know, a public place..."

"And risk having someone see us together? Or have someone overhear us? You wish to speak, we can do so in private."

 _Could she be any more bloody transparent_ , Sarah bit down the smirk rising up at the corners of her mouth. "If you think it's a good idea..." she replied aloud.

Rachel's looked at her, clearly amused. "I can assure you, Sarah, I possess self-control."

"Uh huh...just like the self-control you showed last week in your car? Right." This time, she did smirk and was rewarded with a disapproving look from Rachel.

She stood and grabbed her bag, slinging it over her shoulder. "I'll see you tonight then, yeah? I'll be over after Kira's bedtime. Around nine alright?"

"That's acceptable." Rachel had folded her hands, her posture rigid in the backed chair. "I'll see you then."

"See ya."

The entire encounter had gone nothing like she had planned and she cursed, her stomach doing the bizarre twisting thing it tended to do whenever she came within two feet of her professor. Something would come of this, she knew. The only problem was that she wasn't entirely certain what that would be.

 _I guess I'll find out_.

And with that, Sarah left the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me! I truly appreciate you all so much.


	8. Chapter 8

"You look nice," Siobahn observed from her position on the sofa. "You and Cosima going somewhere special?"

Sarah froze at the bottom of the staircase. It wasn't as if she'd been trying to sneak out, she'd told S where she was going in case Kira happened to wake up. Of course, she neglected to mention it wasn't Cos's place that she was headed to, but some lies were necessary.

"Ah, no...just goin' to watch a movie with her and Delphine. Why," she glanced down self-consciously, "am I over dressed or sumthin'?" She had changed into a fitted black shirt and new jeans that Felix had convinced her to buy ("You look hot," he'd informed her giddily, making her turn around in the dressing room's full length mirror.). _Just don't wanna go to Rachel's lookin' mangy_ , she used as her reasoning for putting on new clothes. The fact she tried to make something of the tangles in her hair and applied fresh eye liner had nothing to do with seeing Rachel. Nothing at all.

"No," The older woman smiled, shaking her head. "Can't take a compliment, can ya?" She closed the novel she'd been reading and crossed her legs. "Chicken...I dunno if your brother mentioned it, but I've been a bit worried about you."

Talking to Felix had lessened some of her anger and she found herself nodding. "He told me...listen, I know I've been kinda distracted, yeah? And I'm sorry. It's just school. Two mid-terms in a week was a bit much, and all the readin' and quizzes...it doesn't come natural to me, ya know?" she heaved a sigh. "Been tryin' to get through the best I can."

"Oh, love, I know. And I'm so incredibly proud of you. You said you'd change and you kept your word." Siobahn touched her forearm. "Not an easy thing."

Her teeth dug into the soft flesh on the inside of her cheek. Fuck, she hated lying, hated that she hated lying now when it never would have bothered her the smallest bit before. Siobahn trusted her. Trusted her not to screw things up again.

And she was walking right into the middle of a shit storm.

"Thanks," she leaned over and kissed the woman's cheek. "Means a lot that ya get it."

Siobahn smiled, slightly taken aback at the unbidden show of affection. "Have fun tonight. Just give a call if you end up staying over, please, just so I don't---" she took a quick breath, "so I know if I need to take Kira to school in the morning," she corrected. "Are you sure you don't want to take the truck? Cold out there."

The thought of taking S's beat up truck to Rachel's posh apartment (when she'd looked up the address she knew immediately how upscale the building was) made her stomach drop and she shook her head. "Delphine's pickin' me up from the train," she explained, "It's right near the hospital so...thanks for offerin'."

"Ah, well then, be careful." 

"Yeah, will do." She grabbed her jacket from the coat rack and headed toward the door. "I know this was short notice n'all but they haven't seen much of me lately." 

"Say no more, love. You hardly ever go anywhere anymore, except for Fridays at Alison's. Go on then." she waved her away. "We'll be fine." There was a momentary of flash of wondering what would happen if she didn't go, if she stayed in with Siobahn, made a pot of tea, headed to bed early. It didn't sound so bad. She'd be safe, at least. Wouldn't be any worry about trusting herself, about keeping her desire for Rachel in check.

"I'll ring you later, yeah?" And she was out, thrust into the frigid night air, watching her breath come out in little puffs and starts as she walked down the moonlit road.

_You can always turn 'round._

_You don't hafta go anywhere._

_You know what's gonna happen if you go, doncha?_

"Piss off," she muttered, speeding up her tempo. She knew all the bloody reasons why she shouldn't go. Bad life decisions were her specialty and there was the very real possibility that this one could fuck up everything she had worked for. And in the process, fuck up everything Rachel had worked so hard for too. She was still arguing with herself as she reached Rachel's building, her fingers frozen to the bone.

"Uh, Rachel Duncan's expectin' me," she said to the doorman, taking a glance around the plush lobby.

 _Shite, there's a bloody chandelier._ Immediately, she felt out of place and the discomfort was almost enough to tell the doorman to forget it and high tail it out of the building.

"You can go right up," He gestured to the elevators in front of her, "Floor nine. Have a pleasant evening." If the man was surprised at the company Rachel was keeping, he didn't let on.

"Thanks." She returned his tight lipped smile and headed up, her heart beating a crazy dance in her chest the entire time until she rapped on the door of 9C.

"Hello, Sarah," Rachel greeted, opening the door just enough to poke her head out. "Do come in."

She stepped aside to allow her entrance and when Sarah followed her through the door frame, she nearly gasped. Everything was stainless steel and marble and white, white, white. White sofa, white ottoman, and white pillows which appeared as though human hands had never touched them. There was a large flat screen TV in the living room and several ornate sculptures. But it was the floor to ceiling windows that made Sarah's mouth go completely dry. The lights of downtown Toronto were spread out in front of them and the view was so incredible she'd forgotten Rachel was there.

"You're shivering," Rachel was behind her and she caught herself startling. She followed her gaze to the windows. "Ah, yes. Quite impressive aren't they? A nusiance to maintain...the cleaner comes twice a week. Can I get you a drink, warm you up?"

She felt a flush rise to her cheeks. "Uh, sure. Whattya have?"

"Wine, red and white...gin? Vodka? You don't seem like a wine drinker."

"I'm not," Sarah turned to face her, "Usually bourbon, but I'm guessin' you don't have any."

"You would be correct. I can make you a martini, if you want."

"Vodka, rocks, if it isn't any trouble." She wriggled out of her jacket which Rachel took from her.

"No trouble at all. Please, make yourself at home." Rachel allowed her gaze to sweep over her the length of her, Sarah feeling the other woman's eyes linger on the sliver of skin between her shirt and her jeans and then rake over the jeans themselves before slowly looking back up.

"Yeah, uh, thanks." She watched Rachel leave the room and sank deep down into the cushions of the sofa (which was far more comfortable than it appeared). What the hell was she even doing? Her jeans suddenly felt confining, like a vice and she shivered again. It had nothing to do with the cold.

"Here we are," Rachel returned, handing her a tumbler. "I do hope you find it to your liking."

The cool weight of the crystal was steadying and she felt herself relax ever so slightly as she took a small sip. "Yeah...it's good. Smooth."

Rachel had settled on the opposite end of the sofa with her own generous glass of red wine. "Mmmm, I'm glad you enjoy it. I really only keep it just in case I have a guest that wants a vodka martini. I prefer gin."

"You have a lot of guests then?"

Rachel glowered at her silently and instantly, Sarah realized she'd said the wrong thing.

"I do not, if you must know. Not that it's any of your concern," she frowned into her glass.

"Shite, sorry. You're right. It's not my business." Taking another larger sip of her drink, she shifted her position. "I'm talkin' out of my arse here. I--I'm a little nervous or sumthin'."

"There's nothing to be nervous about, Sarah," she said quietly. "You wanted to talk because you don't believe we resolved things. I'm listening."

 _She's not wearing shoes_ , Sarah had zoned in on her bare feet. Her heart gave an unusual tug. She was still wearing the skirt suit, minus the jacket, but seeing her without heels made her look almost vulnerable. She forced her eyes upward only to see that she'd undone the first two buttons of her shirt.

This was not going well.

"Uh, alright," she tipped back the rest of her vodka, setting it down on the coaster Rachel had placed rather deliberately in front of her.

"Yeah...I---" she shook her head violently. "I don't---look, I'm shite with words, Rachel. I fuck em' up all the bloody time."

"You're too hard on yourself, you know." Rachel being nice still caught her completely off guard. It was unsettling, somehow, the idea that she could be soft. It paved the way for Sarah to be soft too and it was a concept she wasn't sure she was entirely comfortable with.

"Listen...I was thinkin'. Maybe you were right. When you said us gettin' involved would make things complicated. I don't need a mess either, yeah? I'm tryin' to fix stuff with my family, with my daughter. And I don't wanna make things bad for you at school."

"Well," Rachel said evenly, "It's very kind of you to think of me. And for the record, I completely agree. I'm glad you thought it over. I certainly don't want you to compromise your familial obligations and your schoolwork, especially when you're doing so well now." The hint of disappointment was buried within her cool words but Sarah heard it anyway. It was all she needed.

In one swift moment, she was on Rachel's side of the couch, invading her space, feeling the other woman's breath speed up at her proximity. "But I can't stay away from you," she touched her fingertips to the inside of Rachel's wrist, "I was really _tryin_ ', yeah? And the truth is," Sarah pressed her lips to her ear, "I don't think I want to."

Rachel's eyes darkened and this time, it was she that leaned forward, took Sarah's face in both hands and kissed her. "Sarah," Rachel gasped out but there was no hesitation, no pause, as she pulled the other woman so that she was resting on top of her. Hands roamed down the length of her body, snaking up the back of her shirt, the other woman dragging her nails lightly down the column of Sarah's spine. The full weight of Rachel pressed against her was making her frantic and she moaned as the blonde brought a knee in between her legs. She scraped her teeth along the hollow of Rachel's throat, the sheer force of how much she needed the other woman overwhelming her. It wasn't often that she allowed herself to _want_ so fiercely but she let it consume her, let everything cease to exist but the feeling of Rachel's lips on her earlobe, biting down just hard enough to make her cry out, the heat of her body.

Carefully, Rachel pushed her away and briefly, Sarah felt a sinking sensation that took her aback. What was most startling was the absence of the undercurrent of anger she associated with the fear of rejection. She drew in a breath.

"Sarah." Her name spilled over again onto Rachel's lips from somewhere low in her throat and she rose, offering Sarah a hand up. Instead of taking it, she wrapped her arms around Rachel's waist and brought her in.

"Perhaps we should--" Rachel exhaled as Sarah dragged her mouth down the pale expanse of her throat, across her collarbones, and down again into the space between her breasts.

"Bed?" Sarah grinned, "if that's what you want, Professor."

"Shut up." Rachel fisted her t-shirt in one hand and grabbed her face with the other, kissing her again.

"C'mon then," she growled into the blonde's mouth, taking Rachel's lower lip between her teeth. "Bloody hell," she cursed, fumbling with the buttons of the shirt. She had half a mind to rip the stupid thing clean off but it looked like it cost more than her entire wardrobe so she allowed Rachel to help. Rachel quickly peeled it off and waited as Sarah unhooked her bra and tossed it to the floor.

If she had been even remotely patient, she would have stopped to admire how utterly perfect Rachel was: the creaminess of her skin, the sculpted, defined planes of her stomach, the beautiful strength in her arms. But she was fueled by desire and the strong pulsing between her legs and she wasted no time kissing a hot trail to Rachel's breasts, clamping her lips over the nipples and down again over her abs, biting and teasing the flesh there. Every tiny moan Rachel made, every tug of her hair, was making her wetter and all she wanted to do was relieve some of the pressure.

Rachel brought her to stand and reached out to take her arm but Sarah was too fast and in a surprising show of strength, grabbed her by her hips and lifted her. She half expected Rachel to balk at this display, to call her a caveman or something designed to insult, but the other woman only encircled her arms around Sarah's neck and hooked her legs over her waist, crushing her lips to hers.

 _Where the bloody hell is the bedroom?_ She supposed it didn't matter because Rachel was kissing her like she needed to sustain life and her tongue was pressed against the roof of her mouth, Rachel sliding down and she found herself flush against the smooth marble wall of the hallway.

Sarah grasped at the small of her back, digging the tips of her nails in hard enough to mark and Rachel let out a yelp. She could feel her heat through her skirt and she dug in harder.

It was obvious Rachel was losing control and the thought that she was the one making the blonde into a shuddering, moaning, soaked mess, was almost enough to send her over the edge. Reaching behind her, she unzipped Rachel's skirt, letting it slide to her knees.

"C'mere," Sarah bit her lower lip, inhaling unsteadily as she pulled Rachel to her, running her hands over her hips, her ass. Tugging aside lace, she slid two fingers in, Rachel groaning into her neck, sinking the sharpness of her teeth lightly into her jugular. Running her thumb across Rachel's swollen clit, she stroked it while her fingers found a steady rhythm.

God, Rachel felt good, and her own breathing caught as the other woman hummed into the salt of her skin, grasping down hard at her hips for more friction. Rachel was getting close and she added a third finger in experimentally.

"Come for me," Sarah said in her ear, delighting in the fact the blonde was undone, that she could take her apart by pumping in and out, by teasing her clit with feather light touches. The power she had, the power Rachel was _letting_ her have, set her on fire and she was dripping.

With a loud cry, Rachel tightened and then exploded, flopping over onto her shoulder. For a minute, neither of them moved, Sarah's fingers still buried inside of her.

The fear of rejection hit again now that their breathing had slowed. She was sure any minute Rachel would realize she'd made a mistake and tell her to get out and it was unsettling how much the thought bothered her.

"The bedroom is right here," Rachel said dryly, finally lifting her head. "Unless you want to leave. I understand if you do."

It was Rachel who was afraid, she realized. She had been waiting for Sarah to turn around and go and she could see her fighting the urge to throw her out to save face.

Sarah met her eyes, a challenge. "Not gonna get rid of me so easily, yeah?"

Rachel kissed her.

Later, they lay in the white sheets of Rachel's bed, not touching and not talking, Sarah's hair fanned out on the stiff pillowcase like an inky land mass. She was spent. Rachel had taken her by surprise, not by her ferocity (her behavior in class signaled she would be quite a force to be reckoned with) but by her attention. She was immediately attuned to what Sarah liked, what felt good, and she'd pushed her over the edge, again and again with her fingers and her mouth, had made Sarah come screaming her name more than once.

Now she stretched, Rachel's eyes following her naked form and she sucked on her bottom lip.

"Uh," Sarah began, sitting up, "Siobahn thinks I'm at my friend's house and I told her I'd call, so..."

The truth was, she didn't want to leave. In the past, she couldn't get the fuck out fast enough. She didn't do cuddling and she certainly didn't do sleepovers. Cal had been the exception but even though they were dating, it made her vaguely uncomfortable still. But there was something endearing about Rachel lying next to her, as exposed as she'd ever been, make-up smeared, hair tangled. Her features were slack and Sarah had never seen her so relaxed. It was a good look for her and she told her as much.

"That's because I don't. Not often anyway." Rachel smiled, the corners of her mouth only lifting up on one side, revealing a dimple.

There was that annoying tug again and she shrugged it off. "Anyway...I uh, I just hafta...I don't hafta go or anythin', not if--"

Rachel flitted her fingertips over the top of her shoulder, brushing the freckles there lightly. "Would you like to stay?" Her voice was steady, careful, Sarah noticed, as if not to reveal any trace of hopefulness.

"Uh, yeah...sure. If you want me to." 

"I wouldn't have asked otherwise." 

"Well, then...alright." The silence was awkward and Sarah didn't know if it was a good time to talk about what had happened or what was going to happen or to talk about anything at all. Rachel was hard to read.

"Are you hungry? I can order us something to eat."

Sarah shook her head. "I'm kinda tired." She grinned wolfishly, reaching out to stroke Rachel's cheek. "You wore me out."

"Is that so?" Rachel looked pleased. "Sarah---" she paused, glancing away. "There isn't any going back, you know."

"Yeah, I know. Wouldya want to? If we could, I mean."

"No. I wouldn't."

"Alright." Sarah swallowed, "Good."

That night, curled into Rachel's back, breathing in her scent, she fell into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loving your beautiful comments. Thank you guys for being such wonderful readers. I appreciate all of you. <3


	9. Chapter 9

"How d'ya make coffee in this bloody thing?" Sarah peered skeptically at Rachel's espresso maker as if she were expecting it to do the work for her. "Wouldn't expect ya to own a coffee pot like regular people...that would be nutty, wouldn't it."

"It was a Christmas gift from my mother. I never use it."

She turned to face the blonde who had walked into the kitchen. She was fully dressed in a black pants suit and crisp white button down, wearing the faintest expression of amusement as she watched Sarah struggle with the machine. "I have a meeting at ten. But I can certainly buy you a cup of coffee." Rachel came up behind her, palming her lower back, "If you'd like."

She could feel the warmth of Rachel's hands through the thin layer of fabric and abruptly turned, so that they were standing almost toe to toe.

"Or we could skip the coffee," Sarah pressed a kiss to her jaw, "Up to you."

"Mmmmm," Rachel murmured, tipping her head back to allow the other woman better access to her neck. "I told you, I have a meeting. And don't you have class this morning?"

"Way to spoil my fun, Duncan," she nipped at her earlobe, laughing when Rachel moaned and then quickly remembered herself. "I was just gonna skip. It's so bloody simple, I'm makin' an A without even tryin', really. Don't feel like bein' bored this early."

"You are not skipping class, Sarah," Rachel stepped back, smoothing her skirt. "And what would you do all day, exactly?"

"Well," she rested an elbow on the granite counter top. "Ours doesn't meet...I figured," she tilted her head suggestively, "You could come back here after your meeting, yeah?"

"Did you honestly believe I was going to say you could stay here and wait? Sarah," she tutted, "that isn't how it works."

 _You bloody fool,_ Sarah instantly chided herself, _what, did you think because you shagged her, she's gonna want you then?_ It was painfully evident that Rachel had decided one night was enough. The lump in her throat was both embarrassing and infuriating and she wanted very badly to go and break one of the expensive, ugly sculptures with her bare hands.

"You have five minutes to get dressed," Rachel let her eyes wander down the length of her body, clad only in underwear and the t-shirt she'd shown up in, "As much as I like you just as you are. Then you'll let me buy you coffee and then..." she strode toward her, bringing her close by the pull of her hips, "you're going to go to your mathematics class."

She gathered a tangle of hair in her fist, threading her fingers gently through it, and brought Sarah's mouth to hers, tugging on her lower lip with her teeth until Sarah cried out and Rachel broke away.

"And don't let me hear you speak about missing class again," Sarah could hear the barely concealed breathlessness in her voice and she smirked. Rachel could feign all the composure she wanted but she was beginning to realize she possessed the ability to take her apart, piece by piece, if she wanted to. It was a comforting thought.

"Fine, you win. Goin' to get dressed." Pausing, she changed her tactic, catching Rachel's wrist in her hand, running her thumb over the fine network of bones. "Unless you wanna help me?"

"Go. Now." Rachel arched an eyebrow, dismissing her. "Five minutes," she called out.

She rolled her eyes but headed to the bedroom anyway. "Bloody infuriatin' woman", Sarah cursed lowly, retrieving her jeans from the carpeted floor. She was never one to take orders from anyone and Rachel was certainly used to giving them out. If it had been anyone else, she would've told them where to go...

Rachel had lay claim all over her body and she traced a mouth shaped bruise on her inner thigh. A surge of heat took her by surprise and she sank down on the bed to catch her breath, let the blood return to her face. 

"Here we are," Rachel handed Sarah her coat when she emerged. "You have plenty of time to go home and change as well."

"Uh, why?" She finger combed her hair, "Only wore these once."

Rachel belted her coat with a grimace. "Right. Come on then, let's see to that coffee."

True to her word, she pulled into the parking lot of an artisan bakery down the road from her apartment (Sarah would have deemed the place snooty if she'd passed by) and went inside, returning ten minutes later with a steaming paper cup. She handed over the coffee to Sarah along with a white bag, which upon inspection, she discovered contained a fluffy croissant, still warm. "I thought you might like some breakfast," Rachel offered by way of explanation. "They're quite good, I hear."

The kindness of the gesture took her aback and instinctively, Sarah took her hand in hers, intertwining their fingers. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Rachel didn't pull her hand back right away and they fell into silence. _Well, would you look at that_ , Sarah marveled. 

"You want some?" Sarah broke off a piece and waved it toward the blonde.

"No thank you." She started up the car. "Shall I bring you home or," she wrinkled her nose slightly at the thought of Sarah not bothering to shower or change clothes, "to the train? I'd offer to bring you to the university afterward but I'm afraid I---"

"You can't be seen with me near school. Yeah, it's OK, I get it. Listen, what I said last night was true. I don't wanna cause any trouble for ya. And you can take me to the train. I have time to wash up a bit and head to class. Since you're so keen on me goin'."

"Well," Her gaze was locked on the road ahead, "I'm glad we've reached an understanding."

"Have we?"

"Don't be cheeky."

"Didn't think I was bein' anythin'," she placed her hand atop her knee, "Tell me so I get it, yeah? What sorta understandin' did we reach exactly?"

Abruptly, Rachel pulled the car to the side of the road and shifted into park. "I was speaking about class," she turned in her seat, "the fact that you were going to go. I don't think we need to speak of anything else. Or am I mistaken? Do you feel the need to discuss what occurred between us last night?"

"Ah, so formal," Sarah's eyes flashed, "for someone who had their tongue inside me a coupla hours ago."

She expected Rachel to blush but instead she unbuckled her seat belt and edged into Sarah's space, taking her cheek in one gloved hand.

"I'm tired of talking, Sarah."

The car was quiet except for the sound of their breathing and the wet little clicks Rachel's mouth was making pressed against hers. Rachel still kissed like Sarah was the only thing keeping her alive but she didn't care. She liked that Rachel grabbed at the leather of her jacket and ran her tongue along the sharpness of her teeth. She liked how her kiss was always softer than she thought it was going to be until Rachel bit into the flesh of her bottom lip. And she liked how the blonde didn't touch her, it was just her lips on Sarah's, more and more, until she felt herself trembling from wanting contact.

With an loud exhale, Rachel slid back to her side of the car, leaving Sarah groaning at her departure. "Are we clear?"

The engine started with a purr and she straightened her hair, her coat, before glancing in the mirror to frown at the smudges of pink around her lips.

"Yeah," Sarah felt dizzy, "We're clear. No more talking."

They arrived at the station and Rachel took a few minutes to re-apply lipstick after they'd parked toward the back of the lot.

"Alright then, a train should be comin' just about now," she offered quietly. It was odd, there had been nothing at all awkward about shagging Rachel. If anything, the blonde's grace and her fiery hunger were evenly matched, if only in a physical sense. But there was something about the other woman she still couldn't read. She was certain lust wasn't the issue, Rachel surely proved she wanted her...Sarah wasn't exactly certain the blonde _liked_ her.

And that, as much as she was loathe to admit it, was a bitter pill to swallow.

"Enjoy your class. The department meetings tend to run over, so I don't know what time it will convene." She sighed. "My colleagues are not known for their brevity."

Sarah understood that she was saying not to wait around and in reply she shrugged as if it didn't matter one way or the other.

"S'fine. Got some stuff to do, anyway." She put her hand on the door handle. "I guess I'll see ya around then. Thanks for the ride. Oh and coffee and breakfast too."

"Sarah, wait please."

"Yeah?"

"If you wanted to come back tonight," Rachel's words were deliberate, her expression blank. "You're welcome to."

 _Shit_ , Sarah let out a breath, feeling very much like the bottom was being pulled out from underneath her. "I---" As soon as she began to reply, she remembered and smacked the dashboard with an open palm.

"Fuck, I can't. My best friend is comin' round' for dinner. Can't cancel either. We haven't seen each other in a week."

"No," Rachel sighed again, "You certainly can't cancel, can you."

"I'll see you tomorrow, though, yeah? We have class. We can make some time then and maybe I could sneak away, if---"

"It's fine. Your train," she pointed to the oncoming car. "Go."

"Shite, yeah, I'm goin'. See you tomorrow," Impulsively, she leaned over and kissed her lips quickly, taking a note that Rachel had kissed her back.

On the ride, she couldn't help but think of what she would be missing by not going back to Rachel's apartment.

Her cheeks were on fire all the way home.

 

*********************************************

"Sarah, pass the butter please, love." Siobahn called patiently. "Sarah? Chicken, did you hear me?"

"What? Oh, yeah, alright," Sarah blinked. "What did ya want again? Sorry."

"The butter, Sarah, Mum asked for the butter," Felix rolled his eyes, hiding a barely concealed grin. "Day dreamin' again, are we?"

She gave him a kick under the table. "Not day dreamin', just tired out is all."

"You feelin' alright, chicken? Ya look a bit peeked there," S frowned. "Working herself too hard lately, that one is," she said to Felix and Cosima. "Your Mum needs to relax, love. You make sure of it," she said, addressing Kira who nodded solemnly.

The dinner was a little celebration in honor of her A's on both exams. S had cooked up her favorite, roasted chicken and potatoes and they were having a Kira made rice pudding for dessert. The dining table was set with linens and Siobahn's good china and Cosima was making everyone laugh with her stories of when she and Sarah had first met. The warmth around the table was palpable but she couldn't help but feel a hint of guilt. Siobahn had gone through the trouble of preparing a special dinner and she could barely eat, hoping no one would notice that she was just pushing food around on her plate.

"Ah, it's too bad Alison couldn't be here," Felix said, spearing a potato with his fork. "She does love your roasted chicken, Mum."

"Don't talk with your mouth full, dear," Siobahn chided him gently but she was smiling. "You can tell Alison we understand that Gemma's green belt test is of the utmost importance."

"She sends her love," Cosima said with a grin. "And she's so proud of you, dude. You're doing so well. Duncan's eased up on you, huh?

Sarah nearly choked on her water. "Uh, yeah, I guess you could say that."

"Oh, is that the Professor you were havin' problems with then?" Felix asked curiously. "You reached an understanding or what?"

 _Stop bloody blushin', you wanker_ , Sarah scolded herself, bouncing a knee underneath the table. "Uh, yeah, we did."

"She was tutoring you for a bit there, if I recall." Siobahn sipped her white wine, "It worked. You've shown such great improvements."

"I guess so," she mumbled, eager to take the discussion elsewhere. "So, Cos, what are you and Delphine up to this weekend?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Maybe some shopping, maybe just sitting around and watching Bette Davis movies all day in our pajamas," she shrugged, grinning toothily. "Sky's the limit."

"Oh God," Felix groaned, "is this what I have to look forward to then? Christ, relationships are bloody boring, aren't they."

"Felix!" Siobahn shot him a look, "Your niece is sitting right here. Language."

"Sorry. Sorry, love," He ruffled Kira's hair and she giggled. "Though you've probably heard worse from yer Mum..."

The statement earned him another kick and this time he yelped, eliciting strange looks.

"He's got leg cramps," Sarah offered gruffly, ignoring the daggers he was shooting her.

"Anyway," The older woman said pointedly, "Did you girls have fun last night? What movie did you end up watching?"

Cosima stared at her blankly. "Uh...what?"

"The movie you, Delphine, and Sarah watched when she stayed over your place last night."

"Don't tell me you've forgotten already, Cosima," Sarah jumped in, heart racing. "Gotta lay off certain herbal remedies, yeah?" She squeezed her best friend's hand out of sight, hoping the gesture would come across as a plea to please go along with whatever she said.

"Oh the _movie._ Yeah, sorry, I blanked for a sec, there. It was that new one with uh, what's her name...Rachel McAdams?"

Felix furrowed his brow. "She's got a new movie out?"

"Yeah, yeah...can't remember the name of it. Then again, I couldn't remember we even watched a movie in the first place, so..."

Sarah gave Cosima's fingers a second gentle squeeze in thanks.

Finally the meal ended and they all helped S with the dishes before Felix left and Siobahn went to get Kira ready for bed.

"I'll be up in a minute, babe," Sarah kissed her daughter on both cheeks. "Just gonna walk Auntie Cosima out."

They had gotten as far as shutting the door behind them when Sarah threw up her hands. "Oh God, Cos, thanks for covering for me in there. I don't think she suspects a thing. Didn't mean to put you on the spot, yeah?"

Cosima tugged her coat more tightly around her middle. "What the hell is going on, Sarah? What exactly am I covering for you for?" She glared. "I didn't like being put in that position."

"I know, I know, and I'm sorry. I should've let you known before. Shit, look, the truth is," she looked down at her boots, "I didn't come home last night. And I didn't want S to worry, so I said I stayed over yours. I know I should've warned you first. I'm an arse."

"Yeah, you are. But what were you doing? If I'm gonna lie for you, at least let me know the truth."

"I'm not in trouble again, alright. I don't owe no one money or anythin'."

"Well," Cosima visibly relaxed, straightening her glasses, "Where were you?" Her mouth shifted into a smirk as she realized what Sarah wasn't saying. "Oh shit, you were with someone last night, weren't you?"

"Yeah, yeah, I was." She admitted, breath flowing out of her like a train losing steam."Look, Cos, you can't tell anyone, alright?"

"Tell them what?"

"I was at Rachel's---Professor Duncan's house last night. And we slept together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for kudos/comments. <3
> 
> I LOVE THESE TWO CRAZY KIDS!


	10. Chapter 10

"Would you just say sumthin'. Cos, c'mon. Please?"

 Cosima's silence was worse than if she lashed out. Sarah was shaking. She couldn't recall her ever being struck completely speechless by anything, and given the amount of stupid shit Sarah had pulled in the years they'd been friends, that was saying something.

It was pretty fucking terrifying.

"I know how totally crazy this is, alright," she was desperate. "Cosima...hey, hey, look at me...please." She splayed her fingers over the crook of Cosima's elbow, grabbing at the red wool. "If it makes you feel better, it's not anythin' I planned on, yeah? It just sorta happened."

"It doesn't." She looked murderous and Sarah couldn't determine if it was her she wanted to kill or Rachel. Possibly both.

"Fuck, Sarah. Like how could--you know what, never mind. I'm gonna spare you how incredibly stupid and irresponsible I think this whole thing is because you know that already," she rubbed at her eyes with a curled fist, "and I won't ask what the hell you were thinking when you---because clearly, you weren't."

She hated how almost everyone in her life had the ability to reduce her to an unruly child who couldn't behave and no matter how hard she tried, she would continuously be reprimanded and doubted. Cosima's words stung and she bit the inside of her lower lip until she tasted copper.

"You _promised_ me, you swore up and down, you weren't gonna sleep with her, Sarah. That you changed, remember. Did you say that just to shut me up? Because you don't get to go self-destruct again and expect me to watch, OK? You know I'd do just about anything for you but if you decide to just fuck this all up, I'm sorry, I'm out."

Her words were quiet but Sarah wished she'd screamed in her face, that she'd raged while she told her what a fuck up she was (Sarah knew). The disappointment in her eyes hurt more than a punch ever could and true to form, Sarah felt that all too familiar pit of anger rising up, tears pricking her eyelids.

"Not a bloody _kid_ , Cosima. I know what I'm doin'."

"You do? Because why did you even look at her, dude? What, was she a conquest? And what's her story... what kind of Professor goes and has sex with a student anyway."

"You got it all wrong. The truth is," Her voice was small and choked and she hated it, "it's really none of your bloody business who I'm shaggin', is it?"

The expression that crossed her best friend's face was wounded and Sarah felt a surge of guilt.

"C'mon, Cos, don't be like that, eh?" she touched her shoulder. "Listen," she slumped down against the front door. "I didn't sleep with her to pass. I couldn't stand the sight of her at first, yeah? I didn't sleep with her for any other reason than I wanted to. Things changed, somewhere, and got all bloody muddled and I don't know what it is---can't explain it, really."

"You care." Cosima supplied quietly. She sank down to join her against the door. "And that's worse than just sex. If that's all it was, I could tell you to stay away and maybe you would listen but feelings are gonna mess you up, every fucking time. Especially if she has them too."

It was an unfair question and she ran a hand through her hair, sighing. "Fuck if I know. Woman's hard to read. Does it matter? Either way, I'm not endin' it, Cosima."

"Then you need to think hard about what it is you're doing here. Is she worth saying screw everything you've worked for? Like does she even know how hard you fought to get here, to this point?" Cosima tipped her head back against the wood, "She's your teacher, dude. It's totally unethical. And more importantly," she brushed her shoulder against Sarah, "I don't want you to get hurt."

Cosima was like Helena in that Sarah wanted her approval and love more than anything in the world and when she had it, it felt good. But that also meant she was scared to let them down. It was easier with her sister, because she knew, deep down, whatever she did, Helena was going to love her any way. But with Cosima, there was always the underlying fear she was going to run...that one day she was going to fuck up so bad that Cos would just throw her hands up and say enough and she'd never see her again. And if she left, Alison probably wouldn't speak to her either. Cosima was really the only thing they had in common.

"Help me up, yeah?" She stuck out a hand to her friend who complied.

"Hey, I gotta head back, go pick up Delphine from work. But you text me anytime, OK? This conversation isn't over."

"I didn't think it would be," she said, and pulled her friend into a hug. "Don't worry about me."

"Like saying not to breath, asshole," Cosima hugged her back tightly, "And I won't say anything to Delphine, I promise."

"Yeah you will. And it's alright, I get it. Just do me a favor and let me be the one to tell Alison. If she finds out you knew and she didn't---"

"Good call." She smiled, then sobered. "And I'm serious, be careful."

Sarah watched as Cosima drove away, bringing her arms to her chest. It was cold but the air felt good because she knew that when she went back into the house it would be stifling.

 _Better go before S sends out a search party_ , she thought, her hand on the doorknob. She'd finish putting Kira to bed and then she'd pour herself a glass of bourbon and try to forget the look on Cosima's face and then she'd slide between her own sheets but not before staring at the map Rachel had made over her body, valleys of bruises and bites all hidden from view, made deliberately so she'd see them every time she took off her clothes. "Fuck it all", she groaned and took her phone from her back pocket.

***

She couldn't believe she actually came.

Rachel looked terribly out of place in Sarah's room, standing among her unmade bed and shelves of over flowing records. It was as if she didn't know quite what to do with herself now that she was there but that was absolutely right because Sarah was at a loss too.

She'd tidied up a bit, chucking dirty clothes that were strewn all over the floor into the closet, picking up candy bar wrappers and tucking water glasses and old dishes out of view. Still she couldn't help but feel that Rachel with her posh, white apartment would be disgusted by all of the dust and clutter. Rachel probably didn't know what dust looked like.

The other woman stood, not moving, her eyes focused on The Clash poster above the bed. "Your room is exactly how I imagined it to be," she quirked an eyebrow. "Tidier, maybe."

The judgement from her tone was absent and Sarah relaxed a little. "You've pictured my room, eh?"

"Not intentionally."

The conversation died in the air and Sarah scratched at her arm. "I'd offer you sumthin' to drink but all the booze is downstairs and that's where S's room is, so..."

The second the words left her mouth, she felt foolish for asking Rachel to come. The woman was brilliant and successful and here she was, still living at home, sneaking her into her room like a bloody teenager. But Rachel had said yes. The thought sent a shiver of pleasure down her spine.

"I don't know what I was thinking," she admitted flatly, "you turned down my offer to come by because you had plans and now you contact me at ten o'clock to come here, only to sneak around---If you think I'm going to be at your beck and call when it's _convenient_ \---".

"Couldn't go out again, yeah? I was just out last night and I had to lie about where I was so I took a chance."

"Mmmm, and if I had declined?"

She stepped closer, eyes glinting. "But you didn't, did ya? You're here."

In two strides, she was reaching for Rachel, smashing their lips together, her hands in Rachel's hair, tugging, Rachel deepening the kiss, her hands on Sarah's hips, running over the swell of her breasts.

The heat was the same as the night before and there was still a delicious frenzy that built and built as Rachel kissed over her throat, down over her clavicle, sucking and biting the skin there.

But this time, Sarah refused to rush. She unbuttoned Rachel's shirt without fumbling, fingers more deft, and then unhooked her bra. This time, she allowed herself to drink in the slim curves, sliding the heat of her palms over them. She let her gaze sweep over the smooth, flawless expanse of skin before she touched her and God, when did she become someone who was soft, because when she fucked, it was fast and volatile and all about pleasure. She didn't think of much else. This was another animal entirely and that alone should have stopped her.

Rachel stilled. She felt it too, Sarah realized, and Rachel brought her eyes up, all liquid amber. And so, Sarah pushed rational thought from her brain and kissed her.

When she came, she pressed a pillow to her face to muffle sound. Rachel,forever graceful and dignified, simply clamped her mouth shut and closed her eyes, allowing her orgasm to sweep over her silently.

It was hard to know what to do afterward. The only person she ever cuddled was Kira and Rachel didn't seem like the sort to go for unnecessary affection. As she had the previous night, she turned over to her side, away from Sarah to gather herself, taking the sheet with her. Her bare back rose up and down as her breathing returned to normal and Sarah stared.

Sarah's sheets were dark blue and idly she wondered if she should've changed them. She also idly wondered how Rachel would feel if she ran her hand over her spine, tracing the bones with just the pads of her fingers, then with her lips until she was made to turn around.

As if she knew what she'd been thinking, Rachel turned over and looked at her. "Should I leave? We have class in the morning," she reminded her somewhat sternly.

She hadn't expected Rachel to show any signs of tenderness or to acknowledge the weird, unknown thing that had been present when it hadn't been the first time but her brusqueness was slightly startling and she was annoyed.

"Doesn't matter. I guess you should go soon then. Bein' that we have class and all." Her reply was through gritted teeth and Rachel looked suprised.

"There's no need to be hostile, Sarah."

There's every need, she wanted to say, but she huffed and rolled over.

To her utter shock, Rachel was bringing her back over to the side facing her, her arms encircling her waist. "Why did you ask me here?" she said into her ear, nails pressing into her thigh, "Make me understand."

"For the same reasons you didn't say no."

They didn't say anything else after that. She didn't tell her to leave and Rachel made no move to go, instead pulling the sheet back over her and pushing close.

She fell asleep with her hand on Rachel's hipbone and the weight of it felt familiar, as if she'd gone to sleep like that before.

When she woke up to her alarm in the morning, Rachel was gone.

She left nothing behind, not as much as a single blonde strand on the pillow and Sarah felt vaguely empty, vacant somehow.

The thought of missing her was in her head before she could stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had all the Feelings writing this, so I hoped you enjoyed!
> 
> Kudos and comments are so appreciated!


	11. Chapter 11

Sarah was good at thinking of Sarah, and she always had been. She usually operated on the pleasure principle, and to hell with the rest, but she'd calmed over time, started to slow down the animal urges that called her. It wasn't a deliberate choice but if she wanted to keep her daughter, to keep her family in tact, she knew she had to stop being selfish.

Until Rachel. Over the next two weeks, she could only do what felt good and what felt good was touching Rachel and kissing the length of Rachel's body and fucking her, in her bed, against the wall of her office after hours, in Rachel's car. Sometimes, a tiny bit of guilt would creep in because not only did she have to lie to S about where she was (and miss out on Kira time) but she knew if anyone at uni found out about them, Rachel's reputation was on the line.

But guilt was blurred by how much she wanted her, always, even if she'd just had her. It was never enough...it was all about how Rachel's hair felt the softest in the back and the swoop of her throat and the way she felt coming around the curve of Sarah's fingers. It was the breathless feeling she had whenever she stepped into the lecture hall and saw Rachel standing there, elegant and still, knowing that two hours later, she'd have her on the desk in her office, moaning and writhing underneath her.

Rachel was very, very good at keeping the same bored, professional attitude with her as she did with everyone else in the room. She got no favoritism, but she didn't get called on either, though in the rare times she raised her hand to answer a question (only when she was certain she was right) she swore she saw the ghost of a pleased smile on Rachel's lips. "Thank you, Miss. Manning," she'd say and Sarah would bite down a smirk, knowing fully well after class Rachel wouldn't be quite so formal. She also noticed, not without some pleasure, that the other woman had gone back to wearing dresses again after Sarah had offhandedly remarked how much she favored them...ones with a slit in the back, especially. She liked the idea that Rachel Duncan, the queen of self-possession and control, was giving her little bits of acquiescence, the minutia of power. It was a facade, of course, but Sarah appreciated it all the same.

But she was still no closer to getting to know Rachel. She knew better than to ask about her family or her life prior to Sarah meeting her but Rachel's edges had softened, ever so slightly, she could tell that much. She didn't have to ask to stay anymore after they'd been together, she just did (she'd begged Felix to cover for her, not telling him who she was seeing but using the excuse she wasn't ready to tell Siobahn just yet). She'd gotten used to having the steady rhythm of Rachel's breathing lull her to sleep and though they didn't touch much afterward, her warmth alone was nice. And somehow, she knew the foods Sarah liked to eat and had them ordered and waiting when she came over, though it was often cold by the time she actually got to it. But despite Rachel's consideration, she rarely let the mask slip, making up for any signs of gentleness by scratching up Sarah's back or marking her ribs with the sharp points of her teeth. A punishment, Sarah suspected, more for herself than Sarah.

Rachel never asked anything of her, never pressed her for information, never expected anything except her discretion. The thought that she didn't have to worry about how she was perceived or making the wrong move or falling into the old Sarah mode of crumbling under pressure was freeing and she appreciated how their relationship worked. Still, she couldn't help when she was alone in the darkness, think of Rachel and how she just couldn't let her guard down, not for a second and feel a deep longing. It scared her, rocked her to her very core, that she cared so much for someone who clearly didn't feel the same way, even if her gestures suggested otherwise. She wondered exactly when she'd completely lost all sense of who Sarah Manning was and she was absolutely certain, she was crazy for wanting more.

It was at Alison's one sunny late September afternoon where the thought shot straight to the center of her chest and lodged itself there. She had brought Kira over to carve out Jack-O'lanterns with Oscar and Gemma and she sat on the porch with Alison and Cosima as the kids scooped out pumpkin innards on the grass, giggling and stuffing their faces with the cookies Alison had made. Beside her in the patio chair, Cosima laughed easily as they discussed Helena's homecoming the next week, side lining Alison's plans of a formal dinner party and suggesting they do something more "Helena like." Sarah was half listening, half dreading what she needed to say. Her best friend was in an extremely good mood; things with Delphine were going so well that the doctor had asked Cosima to move in with her and she was over the moon. Thank bloody Christ, Sarah thought, sipping at the iced tea she desperately wished was some liquid courage. Cos hadn't pressured her to talk to Alison, but she'd adopted a don't ask, don't tell policy regarding Sarah's dalliances with Rachel. Her disapproval was still obvious, though, and there was an undercurrent of tension between them that Sarah didn't like.

"So," she folded her arms across her chest, fixing her gaze on her daughter for a second, before lowering her voice. "Just so you both know, I'm...uh, with Rachel." She looked to Alison, "My professor."

Alison stared blankly. "You're with your professor. What does that mean? Like with with? Like---"

"As in they're having sex, Alison," Cosima said, sitting forward in her chair. "And now you're with her? You're not a couple, Sarah. I don't see anybody dating anybody here."

"Wait, you knew?" Alison looked to Cosima, her mouth tightening. "You told her first?"

"Not on purpose, Christ, Cos...thought you were gonna let me tell her in my own way, yeah? I said I'd handle it."

"Oh I see. Let's _handle_ Alison, because she's a child who---"

"Shhh. The kids."

Sure enough there was silence from the grass where Kira, Oscar, and Gemma were staring up at them, clearly curious as to what the raised voices were about.

"Everything's fine," Alison called with false cheer. "Oscar, why don't you bring everyone inside and we'll be in in a minute."

"But we haven't started carving the pumpkins yet," Gemma whined.

"There's another plate of cookies on the stove. Go grab some and bring them in the living room. We'll carve the pumpkins in a little while, OK?" Alison was firm. "Now please."

Grumbling, the trio complied and as they climbed up the porch stairs, Kira lingered.

"Is everything OK, Mum?"

Sarah pulled her daughter into a hug, kissing the top of her head. "It's fine, monkey. Just arguin' over Auntie Helena's party next week. Nothin' to worry about, yeah?"

At the mention of her aunt, Kira brightened. "I can't wait to see her!"

"Yeah, me either. And she's missed you sumthin' awful. Go on now...we'll be in in a sec." Looking relieved, the little girl followed her friends inside and the second the kids were gone, Alison turned back to Sarah and Cosima, fiddling with a napkin.

"I don't know why I'm always the last to know about these things," she muttered. "Christ on a cracker, Sarah. Your professor? The last thing I heard from you about the woman was that you hated her and now you're---what the fudge were you thinking?"

"She only told me because she used me for a cover story with Mrs. S without me knowing," Cosima explained. "Nobody was trying to keep anything from you, Ali." she sighed, glancing at Sarah. "And yeah, it's totally nuts. But look at her. She's so far gone, it isn't funny."

"Would ya both quit talkin' about me like I'm not bloody here. Jesus." Sarah ran a hand down her face and drew a breath. "Rachel and I---it's a complicated situation, alright."

"Because it's just sex for her and for you, it's much, much more. Don't try to deny it, Sarah. It's all over your face." Cosima shook her head. "Dude, you deserve so much better. Can't you see that?"

"Sarah," Alison was subdued, for her, and it was slightly unnerving. "What are you going to do? I mean, ultimately...where do you see this going? Are you going to bring her home to meet Siobahn? To meet Kira? Do you see a future with this woman...because Cosima's right. If she's using you, putting your reputation at risk...putting her own reputation at risk, for nothing...then yes, you absolutely deserve better."

There was no use in hopping on the defense, as the old Sarah would've done. She had played the same concerns her friends had over and over in her head at least a thousand times. It was too soon to know what she wanted out of Rachel but she knew she wanted more than stealing moments here and there, watching over her shoulder constantly. She'd lived that life before.

"Not used to wanting more," she admitted with the shrug of a shoulder. "Never have, other than Cal...and ya know how bad I messed that up, yeah?"

"I don't see this ending well, for anybody. Rachel could potentially get in big trouble and you...you're setting up yourself for total and utter disappointment, bub. I love you, you know I do, and that last thing I want is for you to get hurt."

"Neither of us want that," Alison agreed, reaching over to squeeze her elbow.

"But you're not gonna end it, are you," Cosima said. "No matter what we say, or if Rachel can never feel the same way you do...doesn't matter."

God, she couldn't stand this divide, hated that Cosima was worried and Alison was worried and the fact that she knew how concerned they were but Cosima was entirely right. Rachel had edged her way into a little corner that she'd thought she'd closed off for good years ago. It wasn't something she'd wanted to happen or planned on happening and she'd tried to shove it all away, to stop fixating, to tell herself she was content with just sex. But her brain played Rachel Rachel Rachel on repeat and her heart twisted painfully every time she left and it was worse than before when she wanted something she couldn't have. The possibility of losing her was real, the very idea of it tightened her throat, made her stomach clench.

Sarah was scared.

***

When she was a kid, Sarah was no stranger to fear. She learned to live with the possibility of not knowing where she would end up, what would happen next. When S had taken her in, she was eight. And she was already hard, always ready for a fight. She was still afraid but the fear had settled somewhere in her. It had become ingrained in the very essence of who Sarah Manning was and she refused to let it take over. Even when she found out she was pregnant, even when she had come close to not being able to see Kira again because of her own stupidity and the terror threatened to choke her, she got through without giving in to it. Fear, she concluded, was for the weak willed, the weak minded. She was bigger than that.

Not this time. The weight of how absolutely terrified she was never settled into a comfortable place. It gnawed at her and Sarah was tense; leg bouncing, lips chewed, ready to strike out at anyone who got too close.

"Miss. Manning, I believe you haven't spoken yet." 

Sarah jerked her head up. _Ah, fuck, the oral report._ It was Monday morning and she'd completely forgotten that her five minute presentation on the company of her choice was due. She and Rachel had spoken about it briefly but she'd turned down the other woman's suggestions of going over it together in favor of other activities.

In no way shape or form was she prepared enough to even stumble through thirty seconds of the presentation, never mind five minutes and she slunk down into her seat.

"Uh, you can skip me," she mumbled, feeling the eyes of her classmates upon her. 

"Skip you?" Rachel repeated dubiously. "Today is your scheduled day, Miss. Manning."

Though her tone was completely neutral, Sarah could hear the disappointment, the unspoken, _We could have worked the entire report out together so this wouldn't happen._

"Yeah, I'm not prepared, to be honest. Sorry. I guess I'll just take the zero."

Rachel, she had observed, was extremely beautiful lately. She glowed, her features were more relaxed and though she still dressed professionally, the dresses she chose had subtle pops of color replacing her go to black. Today's dress was a muted shade of deep purple and Sarah felt her breath catch just looking at her. The woman didn't play fair.

The professor looked up at her, lips pursed, before she said, "You must have had some extenuating circumstances that prevented you from being prepared today, Miss. Manning. I will give you the benefit of the doubt, this time. Please be ready to go first on Wednesday." She returned her focus to the room at large. "Mr. Allen? You're next."

Class seemed to drag and the second they finished, Sarah headed over to the building where Rachel's office was and waited outside of the door.

"Sarah," Rachel was surprised. "You're here early." Usually they met about an hour or two after lecture had ended to both evade the possibility of students coming by to ask questions and because most of Rachel's department colleagues were teaching at the time.

She breezed past the blonde, sitting on the bare surface of the desk. "Would've taken the bloody zero, ya know. I don't need special treatment, Rachel."

Rachel closed the door before turning to regard Sarah. "It was hardly special treatment. I recognize that you not being prepared is somewhat my fault," she replied calmly. "I kept you rather occupied this weekend."

"Yeah, well," she refused to be placated, "doesn't matter. I shoulda been ready to go. No one's fault but mine. I don't need you makin' exceptions for me, alright? If it was anyone else, there's no bloody way you woulda let them go another day. And you know it."

"You're sulking." Rachel smoothly crossed to the desk and sat in Sarah's usual seat, positioning herself so that she was nearly sitting in between Sarah's legs.

That familiar rush of heat filled her lower belly and she angled back on the desk away from any temptation.

"I'm not," Sarah protested hotly and God help her, she knew she was the actual, living definition of sulky but Rachel didn't need to believe she was right all the time.

"Suit yourself." She stood and put her hands on either side of Sarah, balancing herself there. "I only wish to help," she leaned over and kissed her. It took half a second before Sarah pushed her away. The shove was gentle but enough for Rachel to falter before she caught her balance, glaring.

"I suppose," she took a breath through her nose, "you aren't going to tell me what all of this is about."

Sarah wished the woman would raise her voice, lose control just this once, instead of being so bloody calm all the time. It made her feel even more spun out of orbit. The only time Rachel let go was during sex and even then, Sarah suspected she restrained herself.

"Why don't you ever talk to me?" she found her voice, the anger sticking in her throat. "I don't know anythin' about you. Not your favorite food or where you grew up or...not one bloody thing, Rachel. We're strangers."

"What exactly do you want to know? You're not forthcoming with information either." She sat in the desk chair, folding her hands. "I was under the impression that wasn't how this would work."

"And how did you think it would work, eh? That we would just shag all the time and call it a day? You know...you _knew_ from the start, it wasn't about that for me, yeah?"

"You need to lower your voice," Rachel hissed, her jaw tightening. "If anyone hears you---"

"I don't give a shite if the whole goddamn building hears, Rachel." She tugged on a tangled strand of hair. It hurt but the pain almost felt good in comparison to the shit she was feeling. "Finally, finally, you show some bloody emotion! I was startin' to think you were a robot or made of stone or---Jesus Christ, forget it, alright. I can't keep waitin' around for you to get your head out of your arse."

"Then I suggest you leave." Rachel's eyes were pure fire but a closer glimpse revealed that Sarah had struck a nerve somewhere and she shook her head.

"I don't know why I ever was stupid enough to think that you were willin' to give me more than this," Sarah turned on her heel, "That you actually cared. You don't know what it means to care about anyone, do you?"

She stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind her.

***

For the next few hours, Sarah forced herself to put Rachel out of her mind. She helped Kira with her homework and S with dinner, she called Alison (immediately steering the conversation away from Rachel and toward the topic of the new play she was starring in) and she worked on getting her presentation together, though that inadvertently made her think of Rachel until her palms started sweating and she shoved her index cards aside. The only thing that served to calm her nerves was a tumbler of bourbon on the rocks. She gave herself a generous pour and sat down at the kitchen table, allowing the quiet of the house to wash over her.

As the amber liquid warmed her throat and settled into her stomach, she rested her head in the crook of her arm. It was massively unsettling that she cared so much in the first place, that she had allowed Rachel Duncan in. Tears brimmed in her eyes and before she could stop them, spilled over, splashing the worn tablecloth. 

_Fuck, fuck, fuck_. 

In her pocket her phone buzzed and she lifted her head, smearing her hands over her eyes.

 _I'm outside_ , the text read and she sprang up from the chair, heart racing, and walked to the living room to unlatch the door locks.

In the door frame, Rachel stood with her hands folded over her chest, wearing a white belted coat and cashmere scarf Sarah had never seen before and a slightly contrite expression.

"Filet mignon, medium rare," was all she said. "And I grew up in Cambridge but we moved to Canada when I was eleven. Is there anything else you want to know?"

Sarah wordlessly stepped aside and allowed her entrance. "How'd ya know I'd even be here?" she asked quietly.

"I took a chance. Please...could we speak?"

In the semi-darkness of the living room, Sarah could only make out Rachel's silhouette and she closed her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to touch her, to reach out and fold her hand in hers but instead, dug her fingernails into her own palm.

"C'mon," she took her forearm and led her up the staircase and into her room where she shut the door behind them.

"So...talk." She watched as Rachel removed her coat and the scarf, looking for a hanger. Silently, Sarah handed her one she'd spied on the floor and Rachel hung the garment on the closet door.

"I don't open myself up to many people," Rachel began, perching on the edge of the bed. "I suppose it's partly because that was how I was raised. My mother was never warm but she was even less so after my father's death. She decided she couldn't be bothered to raise a child so the family lawyer and our servants were responsible for me while my mother attended luncheons and spent more hours at University than she ever did at home." Her tone was emotionless as if she were talking about someone else. "We moved here when I was eleven and I didn't like it at all. I missed England very much but Mother was offered a position on the faculty at University here. My feelings had no baring on her decision whatsoever. I had no friends in Cambridge but people left me alone. When I changed schools, my classmates decided they resented me for no reason other than I was smart and I didn't care about their parties or crushes or any of the silly things they were so invested in. I kept to myself, made sure my grades were outstanding and then went to Harvard for my undergraduate degree. I don't know what made me come back. I had nothing really, to come back to," she shook her head. "My mother told me she was ill so I completed my higher education at school here and then I was offered a teaching position. She recovered but I was...stuck, I suppose you could say."

"Rachel," Sarah sat next to her, cautiously touching her arm. "That must've been hard. Not havin' any real family." She paused, considering, "I'm sorry."

"That isn't why I told you, Sarah. You needn't feel sorry. I made my own life without the aid of anyone. The point is," she met her eyes, "I want you to know things about me. And I would like to know things about you as well."

Rachel inched closer so that their knees were touching and brushed the back of her hand across the wool of Sarah's sweater. "You said you believe I don't care about you...the truth of the matter is, you couldn't be more wrong."

She didn't have to say another word before Sarah reached over and cupped her face in both hands, kissing her fiercely.

"Rachel...Rachel..." she whispered as Rachel raised her arms to slip off her sweater, laying cool kisses in the dip between her neck and shoulders, over the top of her chest, hands stroking every expanse of skin she could reach.

This, Sarah knew, was Rachel's way of telling her that her feelings weren't one sided, it was everything she couldn't say but that she wanted to, it was just... _everything_ and Sarah couldn't stop her eyes from filling again, from the tears collecting behind her closed lids as Rachel made her see stars.

In the dark, Sarah held Rachel close, fingers weaving soft trails down each individual vertebrae, as she quietly told her of a childhood that was great in material privilege but lacking in warmth and Sarah recounted how S had taken her and Felix in after a series of bad foster homes and how she'd been devastated to leave Brixton and in turn, everything she knew. She told her about Cal and learning that she was pregnant with Kira and even, with more than a touch of shame, how'd she fallen in with the wrong crowd and gotten mixed up with drugs. Rachel listened without comment, asking questions only when it was appropriate and balmed any hurt that was evident still with a light kiss to her shoulder.

It was good, all of it, but as she drifted off, she was hit by the thought that the stakes were so much higher now. That Rachel could be forced to make a choice, one that, in good conscience, Sarah couldn't ask her to make. The fear was never really going to go away, Sarah knew.

In her arms, Rachel stirred, and she clung on, fingers encircling her wrists, a hand splayed across her hip, knees touching knees.

It was all she could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you guys. <3 
> 
> Your comments/kudos make my day, my year, my life.


	12. Chapter 12

"I wish I could take you out," Sarah said into the crook of Rachel's neck. The complete darkness of the room gave her just the inkling of courage she needed. "Like on a proper---" she dismissed her thought. "Kinda silly, innit."

Rachel smiled, passing a hand through the mess of Sarah's hair. "A proper date?"

"I know how bloody stupid it sounds, yeah?"

"And what would we do exactly, on this date?"

Sarah realized she was being humored but Rachel's leg was draped over hers, the comforting weight of it giving her courage to speak. "Hm, probably couldn't afford to take you to the kinda places you're used to. I dunno...somehow, I can't imagine taking you to Bobbi's." The very image of Rachel perched stiffly on one of the cracked leather stools among the clientele the bar served was so ridiculous that she hid her grin in the down of the pillow, just in case Rachel could see it in the sliver of light pouring in through a crack in the blind.

"I'm not as particular as you might believe, Sarah. Especially," she added delicately, "given the fact I don't go out frequently and when I do go to dinner, it isn't with company."

It wasn't the first time that something Rachel said hit her square in the chest. She wasn't simply lonely, she was _alone_ , and that realization made a pit form in her stomach.

By now, she knew that there was few things Rachel disliked more than being pitied so she bit back the I'm sorry that rested on her tongue.

"Well then," Sarah skated her thumb across Rachel's collarbone and down over the swell of her breasts, "I'd take you to this little place downtown. Nothin' but a hole in the wall, really." She circled a nipple with her forefinger in lazy strokes, one, two, three. "But they have the best pasta, fresh made, yeah? And a small wine list but a good one. Cosima says so anyway."

"I see," Rachel arched into her touch as Sarah traced a path down to rest splayed fingers on her abdomen. "And may I assume you've been there before?"

"Ah," Sarah dragged her fingernails over soft skin and Rachel shivered. "You're askin' me if I've taken anyone there." She smirked. "Jealous?"

"Hardly." Gently shrugging her off, Rachel pulled herself into a sitting position. "There isn't any use in me saying that I wish the circumstances were different, you know."

"Yeah." Sarah propped herself up on a elbow, watching Rachel in the dark. Aren't you tired, she wanted to say, doesn't it exhaust you to sneak around and pretend and all the fear, all the goddamn fear?

She had put Kira to bed, kissing her forehead, running a hand through her curls, and went back out into the night, telling Siobahn she was going to the uni library to study for a test. Back into the night and back to Rachel who was waiting a block away.

The lying was getting easy again and she wished she could be guilty. Siobahn praised her constantly, telling her how proud she was that she was working so hard and yes, she knew she deserved none of it but she was more exhausted than anything else. Her life was about trying to keep her head above water, with Kira, with school, with trying not to let this thing swallow her.

"I've been to a bar before," Rachel said and Sarah sat up, resting her back against the headboard. "I did go to college, you know. Not that I was out on the weekends, attending fraternity parties or funneling beer."

"Oh really, have you, then?"

"Don't sound so shocked."

"Mmm, one of those snooty wine places, right, or somewhere that serves drinks with fancy garnishes and shit. You're not tellin' me you've been to a _dive_ bar?"

"That's exactly what I'm telling you." She paused, leaning in, Sarah observed, a bit closer. "The people in my department go to one every Friday, like clockwork. Fred's? Frank's? Some ridiculously inane name." She took a strand of Sarah's hair in between two fingers, letting it slip through as she talked, like grains of sand. "They don't ask me to go with them. They haven't, not once, in seven years."

"Oh." Her voice didn't waver but it had quieted and Sarah didn't dare move as Rachel spoke.

"It isn't as if I want to go. I'm quite sure the conversation consists of one of two topics, what island they plan to visit on holiday and who the department chair happens to be cheating on his wife with this month. Neither of which," she let her other hand fall to rest on Sarah's thigh, "I have the slightest interest in whatsoever."

Sarah dug her teeth into the inside flesh of her lip. Rachel was hurt. Rachel was hurt and she didn't like it. She understood why the other woman was excluded, why her colleagues must have thought she was cold, but it didn't make her want to punch them all in the face any less.

"It sounds real bloody borin' anyway." There was no real way to know if Rachel would hear any underlying commiseration in her tone, if she would shut down and stop talking, so she braced herself.

Rachel cradled her face, sliding her thumb over the curve of her jaw in a soothing pattern. The gesture was so uncharacteristically tender that Sarah let the smallest of sighs escape. The little tug at her heart was familiar by now and she felt it every time Rachel softened, every time she let down her guard.

"Listen, if you wanted to check out a real good dive, uh, my sister is comin' home this weekend. Friday night, we're gonna have a little family party but on Saturday, Alison planned a get together at Bobbi's, nothing big, just us and maybe a few others." She paused, took a breath, grateful that Rachel could not see her face. "If you wanted to stop by, maybe..."

Silence. She was well aware she sounded like a wanker and cursed herself for being so bloody inarticulate.

"Are you asking me to attend your sister's party with you?"

"We could meet there if you wanted," Sarah offered, "If that would be better...it's kinda far from school so I doubt anyone would be around that we knew."

"A date."

"No, yes, I s'pose. Christ, I'd want to take you somewhere better than _Bobbi's_ , of all places. But if you'd wanna come..."

Rachel curved her hand over Sarah's hip, the warmth making Sarah move involuntarily closer. "And how would your friends feel? There's still some tension between you and Cosima. And I certainly don't want to intrude. You haven't seen Helena for months. Wouldn't you---"

Sarah shook her head. "I want you there, Rachel. I wouldn't have asked, yeah? So if you wanna come, we'll be there around 9. And don't dress like ya do in school. Bobby's isn't that kind of place. No skirt suits, or," she shivered, "them dresses. As much as I like em', alright."

"Hmmm, I didn't hear you complaining when you were taking one off of me."

A flush of heat surged through her as she recalled the sweet anticipation of reaching around and yanking down the long zipper on the back of Rachel's dress, a midnight blue sheath that clung to every single curve, and helping Rachel to step out of it as she realized that the blonde hadn't been wearing underwear.

"C'mere," Sarah growled low in her throat and pulled Rachel on top of her. "There's no pressure, yeah?" she kissed her temple, her cheek, down to her jaw. "if you wanna meet us," she kissed the spot under her ear, laughing when Rachel let out a long, loud exhale, "then you're more," she kissed her neck, running her teeth over her jugular, "than welcome." Sarah dipped her head and licked the hollow of Rachel's throat before biting down.

It was the end of the conversation.

***

 Helena was home. And Sarah finally felt like she could breathe. The first thing she did was run her hands over her sister's unruly curls and blink back tears because she was warm and tangible and she was _here_. She didn't realize the depths of how much she'd missed her until Helena had stepped off of the plane, into the terminal, and practically launched herself into Sarah's arms.

If Kira was her heart, then Helena was the missing piece, the sister she hadn't known was out there, the sister whose love she had refused as Helena persisted, inserting herself into both Sarah and Kira's life at every opportunity until Sarah had fallen as hopelessly in love as Kira had. Helena was similar to her daughter in many ways, Sarah had come to learn. She loved with her entire being and didn't ask for much in return. That alone had eventually broken down Sarah's well executed barriers.

For the entire afternoon, she basked in the summer sunshine that was her sister. They went to lunch and talked about Helena's trip, talked about Sarah's classes, about Kira, of the party that evening. Helena willfully avoided the topic of Rachel, though when they spoke about school, she caught her twin smirking, the corner of her mouth twisting up on one side.

Spending time with her sister was a welcome distraction, and in Helena's presence, Sarah felt a lightness that she hadn't had in months. The house was filled with Kira's laughter as she reveled in her aunt's homecoming and even more so when Felix came by, while Siobahn was practically radiant with happiness, being the mother hen to her brood of chickens.

The party they had planned at the house ended up being intimate but also loud and full and joyful...lots of good food and good stories, laughter, and Kira and Alison's crew running around. 

"Sestra, you are all alone."

Helena had found Sarah's hiding spot, in the alcove close to the staircase, knees tucked into her chest.

"Yeah, it was too loud. Had a headache. You look like you're enjoyin' yourself though." She nodded her head toward Helena's plate piled high. "Crisps with peanut butter, eh?"

Helena shrugged, shoveling a few into her mouth. "You must try, Sarah. Delicious flavor. And you should not be sending text messages. Bad for headache." Helena pointed to the phone resting on her lap.

"Uh, yeah. Just checkin' sumthin'."

Helena was far too kind to call bullshit but Sarah slid the offending object into her pocket anyway and sighed, resigned. "You knew exactly what I was doin', didn't ya?"

Her sister sank down next to her. "You were speaking to your teacher, yes? The pretty one."

"Shhh." Sarah nudged Helena's ankle with her foot. "Yeah," she replied lowly, "I was talkin' to Rachel. Just sayin' hi."

"I knew you were speaking to her. Your face," she gestured wildly, crossing her eyes and jutting out her chin in a poor imitation. "You look sick in love, sestra."

Sarah smiled, in spite of herself. "Lovesick, you mean."

"Yes, that too." 

"Well, I'm not. I wanted to see how---look, I don't hafta explain myself, meathead."

"You want to see her? You can go, I understand." Helena rested her head on her sister's shoulder. "This is lovely party, Sarah. But I want you also to have fun. If you want to see your girlfriend, you go."

"She isn't my girlfriend. And I am havin' fun. Don't I look like I'm havin' fun." Helena shook her head. "Well, I am. Havin' the bloody time of my life, yeah?" Sarah said. "This is your first night back and I haven't seen you for three months. I'm not goin' anywhere."

Helena looked at her. "If that is really what you want, sestra."

"Yeah , that's what I really want. C'mon, let's go get some of that cake Alison made."

At the mention of cake, Helena brightened and stood, pulling Sarah up with her. "Maybe cake will get your mind off beautiful teacher, yes?"

"Yeah, s'doubtful, but we'll see, won't we?"

***

The anxiety of wondering if Rachel was going to come to Bobby's was getting to her, as much as she was loathe to admit it. She'd already snapped at Alison twice, once for asking if she should bring her own appetizers and once for not so subtly suggesting they go somewhere "a tad nicer." Cosima had shot her a look and she'd apologized. Alison had waved her away but she could tell she had hurt her feelings.

It had also been two days since Sarah had touched the other woman and the lack of contact was setting her teeth on edge. As she got dressed in the upstairs bathroom that night, she skimmed her hands over the tops of her bare thighs but they were not Rachel's hands and she let them drop to her sides.

"Bloody hell," she cursed lowly as she ran a brush through her hair, which was a disaster, rebellious, and sticking up in every direction, cursing again when she hit a knot. She dressed in black leather, applying eyeliner and mascara with a shaky hand in the mirror.

God, it was still so ridiculous how much Rachel got to her, how Sarah's thoughts spiraled around her constantly. She hadn't given any indication that she would show up, but she also hadn't given any indication that she wouldn't and the dichotomy between the two thoughts was making her insane.

As she walked into Bobbi's an hour later, Sarah felt some of her butterflies diminish. It was Bobby's, after all, with its shitty beer and decaying pool table and ancient jukebox that you had to kick to stop from skipping. And of course there was Bobbi herself, who greeted Sarah with a hug and asked where the hell she'd been.

She sipped her warm beer, compliments of Bobbi who told them the first pitcher was on the house and looked at her friends. It was difficult not to smile at Helena, who was bubbling over with joy in an oddly patterned long dress that engulfed her tiny frame and Alison who had loosened up somewhat and was bobbing her head along to Janis Joplin on the jukebox (although she still clutched both her purse and her cardigan close to her as if someone was going to come along and snatch them at any given moment). Cosima was relaxed, laughing at something Delphine had said and speaking to Sarah with little trace of the awkwardness that had been present as of late.

Alison had been in the middle of recounting her latest audition tale when in mid-sentence, Cosima touched her arm and she stopped, eyes widening. She bent her head to whisper something to Delphine who nudged Sarah gently. She followed Delphine's gaze to the doorway. 

Rachel stood, unmoving, and the sight of her, her eyes scanning the room for Sarah, made the other woman clear her throat, wipe her palms on the slick leather of her pants. She looked uncertain. Rachel Duncan uncertain about anything was a sight to behold and she swallowed hard.

Sarah walked toward her, all swagger, and stepped in directly in front of her, the familiar scent of Rachel's perfume hitting her nose.

"Hey. You made it."

"Yes," Rachel said and took in Sarah with her wild hair and her leather jacket, the crop top that bared her abs. Her eyes shifted back to the Rachel Sarah knew, confident and hungry.

"You look nice," Sarah said, close, but not touching her, breath tickling Rachel's cheek. "You go out and buy that outfit?"

The blonde wore slim black trousers and a v-neck black lace top. But what really got to Sarah was the knee length black boots the trousers were tucked into, the leather so buttery soft that it begged to be stroked. She sucked in a breath, very tempted to implore Rachel that they needed something from her car.

"Is it appropriate for the occasion?" Rachel brushed her arm against Sarah's. "You weren't very specific with what constituted as casual."

"Bitch." Sarah said fondly into her ear, gritting her teeth. Rachel knew exactly the kind of game she was playing, what she was doing to her, what she always did to her.

"I don't expect to see anyone from university in here," she furrowed her brow slightly, "But just in case, keep your hands to yourself, please."

Sarah snickered. "Yeah, alright, speak for yourself, Rach."

Rachel froze, her eyebrows lifting into her hairline at Sarah's use of the nickname and opened up her perfectly red painted mouth to speak when Sarah took her by the crook of the elbow, fingers digging into lace. "C'mon and meet everybody, then."

She guided her over to the table where her friends sat, pointedly avoiding looking at any of them. "This is Cosima and her girlfriend, Delphine, this is Alison, and this," Sarah grinned, touching her twin's shoulder, "is my sister, Helena. This is Rachel, guys." A silence fell over the small group.

Helena's eyes gleamed as she studied the blonde, finally allowing a smile to cross over her features. "My sestra was right. You are very beautiful."

Rachel's glacial expression melted a little under Helena's compliment and she smiled slightly. "Thank you. It's nice to finally meet you, Helena. Sarah's told me a lot about you."

Helena took her hand in hers, face becoming serious as she leaned into Rachel conspiratorially. "It is big surprise that you're here, I think. Sarah said nothing."

It was the bloody Twilight Zone. Sarah shook her head and tipped back her beer, wishing she'd ordered a bourbon. Rachel in Bobbi's. Rachel meeting her friends and her sister. Cosima and Alison looking like they were at the scene of some terrible accident, one that would end with broken limbs and gore and a fiery explosion.

Which seemed fitting.

Alison tugged her cardigan more tightly around her neck, as if it were a noose, while her other hand picked at the edges of her napkin, her eyes darting nervously from Sarah to Rachel and back again. "Hello," she said to the tabletop. "Well, this is a surprise, isn't it, ladies? We, um, weren't expecting you."

"I invited her," Sarah jumped in, trying, unsuccessfully, to keep the defensive edge out of her tone.

"Uh, nice to meet you," Cosima finally found her voice, in part to Delphine murmuring her own greeting. "Sarah, I need your help with something at the bar. We'll just be a sec."

"You'll be alright?" It was a silly question because she knew Rachel could hold her own and she half expected the blonde to scowl at any assumption that she couldn't, but Rachel nodded once, gesturing for her to go.

"I will take care of Rachel," Helena vowed, plucking the cherry out of her drink and biting it off at the stem, "We will have nice talk, won't we?"

"Christ," Sarah muttered, following Cosima to the bar. She ordered a bourbon this time, taking a long, full sip before her friend started talking. "Let's hear it, yeah? This is the part you tell me what a bloody idiot I am for bringin' her." She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "You don't gotta even say it, Cos."

Cosima's eyes narrowed and she tugged on a dredlock, scuffing the sticky floor with the toe of her boot. "Shit, Sarah...I mean," she shook her head. "If you're gonna keep screwing her, that's one thing. It's one very stupid thing, but I can't do anything about it. But bringing her to Helena's party, like she's one of us...like she's your _girlfriend_ , that's not cool."

The righteous indignation, as it tended to do, made her clench her fists, ball them into the pockets of her jacket. "That isn't what I'm doin'."

"Then what the hell are you doing? Enlighten me. Because I don't get it." She bent her head in, "Someone is going to find out, Sarah. And when the shit hits the fan, do you think she's gonna stick around? Choose you over her career? Wake up, dude. You used to know how to read people. Can't you see she's using you? I could tell the second she got in here."

"Piss off," Sarah hopped off of the stool, the bourbon in her hand dangerously close to splashing over the edge of the glass."Quit tryin' to be my bloody mum, Cosima."

Cosima was headed back toward the table and turned to look at her, her face red. "Yeah, well, that's impossible when you won't even let Siobahn be one."

Delphine rose and had come to her side, gazing between them anxiously. "Cosima? Is everything alright?"

She glared as Delphine draped an arm around her shoulder. "Ask Sarah," she said coolly, "She's the one bringing her fuck buddy here."

In a single second, Sarah was lunging toward her and Alison's hands were on her waist, pulling her back, Helena standing up, ready to intervene and Rachel watching in horrified silence.

"No," Sarah shook Alison off, putting up her hand. "S'alright. I'm bloody finished," her breathing hitched, her chest feeling as if someone had dropped concrete into it its cavern. "Sorry Helena."

Blindly, she strode through the door and into the alleyway behind Bobbi's, realizing too late that she'd left Rachel behind.

Fuck Cosima, fuck all of them. She ran a hand down over her face, trying to steady her erratic breath. Her fury bubbled still. How dare she, how dare any of them. Deep down, Sarah realized, leaning against the dumpster, the real reason she was furious was because Cosima's words held the smallest kernel of truth.

"Sarah." There was a hand on her shoulder and she opened her eyes to see Rachel, her face a mask of concern. "Are you alright?"

"God," she moaned, wishing she could sink into the cracked pavement, "I'm a bloody wanker, is what I am. You seein' me like that, no better than a bloody animal." Tears of shame pricked the corner of her eyelids and she swiped angrily at them. "I haven't lost control like that in a long time...and to have it be on my best friend, of all people."

"No one's ever defended me before," Rachel replied quietly. "Not even my own mother." She touched Sarah's cheek. "You had every right to be upset, Sarah. Although, perhaps, I should have heeded my own doubts and not come."

She looked up into Rachel's amber eyes and sighed, feeling some of the anger dissipate. "I asked you to. This was my fault."

"They needed more time, I believe, to process," Rachel fastened the buttons on her coat. "Helena, as you can imagine, is quite upset. She wanted to come out here and find you but I advised her against it."

"I'll hafta talk to her later," she cracked her knuckles, letting out another long sigh. "And Cosima? God, we've never even had an argument before."

"She apologized to me and said she was worried about you."

"And what did you say?"

"I told her I understood perfectly." She took Sarah's forearm. "Let's speak in the car, shall we?" They walked down the street, Sarah's hands jammed in her pockets.

In the silence of the Mercedes, Sarah buried her head into an arm. It was not how the evening was supposed to have gone and she was very glad her brother had other plans because he would've stepped right into the frey. She supposed she was naive for expecting her friends to accept Rachel into their fold, accept their twisted non-relationship of a relationship.

But what they had was hers and she wanted to protect it. Wanted to protect Rachel, she realized with a start. From her stupid co-workers, from Sarah's friends, from herself, if need be.

"Look, Cosima was out of line. She had no right---"

Rachel fixed her gaze ahead, letting her hand rest on Sarah's leg. "Cosima's worry isn't unfounded, Sarah. She was correct, we're getting sloppy." She looked at the other woman, her lips tightening. "We need to be more careful, especially at school. This was a huge gamble tonight, you know. Someone could have easily seen us and jumped to their own conclusions."

Her heart jumped. "Are you sayin' you want to end this? Cuz' I don't much like where this conversation's headin', Rachel."

The blonde smoothed back hairs that were already perfectly in place. "I'm saying we need to be _careful_. We're taking unnecessary risks every time we meet in my office. From now on, perhaps we should stay at my apartment."

"Stop talkin' to me like I'm a bloody business associate." Sarah rested her feet up on the dash, something she knew for a fact drove Rachel insane. "Look, I'm not willin' to give up _any_ of you. Not now, yeah?"

Rachel's eyelashes fluttered and she turned away to stare out the window. "Fine. But something like tonight can't happen again. Or we'll need to re-evaluate."

Sarah shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "We just hafta make it to next semester. I won't be your student anymore and we can just---"

Something in Rachel's perfect face gave her pause and she felt her throat constricting.

"Unless this isn't sumthin' you want. To keep goin' with all of this."

"Sarah." Her name on Rachel's lips was somewhere between a caress and a slap and she winced. "You have to understand. I'm not someone who has ever been in a relationship and I'm afraid none of this comes easily for me. You'll have to give me time for any important decisions. For now," she reached over, fingers at Sarah's neck, delicately moving over the base of her throat, "I want this. I want you, Sarah." Her other hand on Sarah's thigh inched inward and the other woman exhaled sharply. There was no use in fighting the inevitable.

They would go back to Rachel's and Sarah would let Rachel take her apart and she, in turn, would shatter Rachel, and over and over again until none of it hurt anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is coming to a head, ladies and gents, and I don't know about you, but I'm going to be sad to let this one go.
> 
> As always, your comments/kind words/kudos etc, make me the happiest person alive. <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: blood/vomiting/possible self-harm

"I don't get why you hafta go." Sarah was stretched out across Rachel's bed, the black of her clothes like an inkblot on the white duvet. "You hate your mum."

Rachel didn't glance up from the suitcase she was diligently packing. "Our relationship is...strained, yes. But I have my reasons for seeing her, Sarah, reasons I don't expect you to understand."

She sighed, resting her chin on propped elbows. "Well I don't. You could've just had Thanksgiving holiday with us, yeah? My family wouldn't have to know who you are exactly. Helena wouldn't say anythin', I know she wouldn't, and Siobahn makes enough food for a bloody army and you could meet Kira before she spends a few days with her dad when he comes into town."

The heaviness of the suggestion lay in the air and Rachel looked up sharply. Sarah could see her shoulders tensing ever so slightly, the way her mouth puckered at the corners, gestures she'd come to recognize as some of the millions of tiny things that indicated Rachel was nervous, subtle hints that were easily dismissable if you weren't watching closely.

"That's very sweet," Rachel said finally, her eyes meeting Sarah's briefly. "But do you not recall the disaster nearly two weeks ago when you brought me to meet your friends? Even if you were to keep the truth from your family, you can be sure they'll have questions."

"You're afraid to meet my daughter."

Rachel closed the suitcase with a resigned sigh and sat next to her. "I'm afraid to make things more complicated for you, Sarah. You said yourself that Helena has been walking on eggshells and you haven't spoken to Cosima since that night. Meeting Kira is taking a situation that's already fraught and making it incredibly more complex than it has to be."

"Is it because you don't like kids...or because that would make this real, eh?" She knew she was being a brat, baiting Rachel, trying to anger her when she really should've been trying to convince her to stay, but the disappointment coiled in her stomach anyway, hot and bitter.

"Stop." Rachel said, her expression bearing what Sarah could have sworn was regret. "We've spoken about this."

 She stared down at her hands."You need time. I get it, Rachel. Not tryin' to put any pressure on you. Shit, look..." she rolled close to where Rachel was sitting, letting fingers graze where the dress met her knee, fidgeting with the hemline. "I don't wantcha to visit with your bloody awful mum, alright. That's the truth of the matter. I...I don't wanna see you hurt is all."

Rachel's rigid posture relaxed and she looked down at the other woman, her eyes unreadable. "Yes. I know." She drew Sarah's head into her lap, fingers immediately tangling up into her locks. "I do appreciate your concern. But I've been going up against Susan for many years, Sarah. Trust me, I know I'm going into battle. I'm well prepared." The steel in the blonde's voice was thinly disguised as confidence and Sarah bought none of it. Still, she said nothing, allowing Rachel her false bravado, sighing when her fingers moved from her hair to the back of her neck, scratching underneath the collar of her shirt.

"I'm going to miss you," Rachel's admission was spoken so quietly that Sarah wasn't entirely certain she had heard correctly.

"What'd you say?"

"When I get back," Rachel continued as if Sarah hadn't spoken at all, "would you consider staying a day or two? I'll only be gone overnight, but..." she snuck her hands around until Sarah's breasts were in her palms, squeezing them through the thin lace of her bra, "it will certainly have been far too long." She leaned forward and kissed her as Sarah arched into her hands with a soft groan.

She didn't know what kind of fabrication she would have to make up in order to spend time away from home but Kira would be with Cal and the notion that Rachel wanted her there, coupled with the probability that they wouldn't leave the bed for days, made the deception that much easier to bare.

The lies rolled off of her tongue like water anyhow these days and truth blurred so easily with untruths that it was hard to tell what was fact and what wasn't and she couldn't bring herself to care.

It was a marvel, really, how Rachel could silence her worry, her fear. With her hands, as they traveled from her breasts, over the jut of her hips, with her lips, pressed against hers before trailing down over the pale slope of her jaw and then her throat, her clavicle...and hands and lips and fingers together... mapping her skin as Rachel slid her jeans to pool around her ankles before Sarah kicked them off.

Rachel erased her trepidation piece by piece because she knew how. She knew exactly how Sarah would come apart under her fingers as they slid inside of her softness and again as Rachel sank down to her knees on the plush white carpet (the idea of Rachel Duncan on her knees for _her_ made her weak),her tongue making slow but deliberate circles on Sarah's clit, Sarah bucking against her face, her hands running through Rachel's hair.

She couldn't tell if it was just Rachel's way of shutting her up or if she was really going to miss her like she said. It didn't matter. Because as Sarah let go, the breath expelling from her body, she was hit with how much she needed Rachel. How she would do almost anything to keep her.

****

Thanksgiving itself was pleasant enough. Sarah carefully avoided questions about Cosima and Delphine's glaring absence, forcing herself to put on a happy front for Kira, who was absolutely tickled to have her father join them for dinner.

She'd expected to feel a little strange, as she always did in Cal's presence. A  tiny sliver of regret that things hadn't worked out differently, the guilt that she kept Kira from him for so long that never really went away...she'd thought maybe her heart would twist a little, missed opportunities, old fires that went out but that were still fresh on her mind. But it was more comfortable than she would've thought having him at the house again and as they worked on the dinner dishes in the silence of the kitchen, he washing and she drying, he looked over at her.

"Hey," he said, his eyes warm, "You seem happy."

He never changes, she thought fondly. Same scruffy beard and the hair that fell over his eyes and comfortingly worn sweaters. It was nice to see he stayed the same when everything else she knew was unpredictable.

"Yeah," she paused, sweeping the cloth over the wet surface of the plate, "S'pose I am."

"Good." He said with a nod.

And they left it at that. Helena was still tip toeing around the house like a ghost and every time Sarah had screwed up the courage to properly speak to her, her twin suddenly found herself needing to help Kira with something or was out on an errand for S.

"You two have a fight," Felix inquired quietly, joining her on the porch after dessert.

"Not exactly." She closed her eyes, feeling the breeze brush through her hair. "It was me and Cos. Helena was justa bystander."

"Ah," Felix said, "That's why she and Delphine weren't here." He paused, then, carefully, "Do you want to tell me what it was all about, then?"

"Not really." 

"Alright. Listen, whatever it is, you lot have been mates for what, ten years now? You can sort it out, yeah?"

"Eight," Sarah corrected, folding her arms, "and I dunno, Fe. Every time I go to call her to say I acted like a git, I can't do it. I know I should but it's---" she looked at him. "It's this big mess now and I dunno if we can go back."

"And what does Alison say about it?"

"Y'know Ali," they exchanged a smile, "Tryin' to play peacemaker every chance she gets."

Truthfully, she was surprised when Alison had called, assuming that she'd be on Cosima's side, but her friend had had her over dinner several times since, saying that she understood where they were both coming from and that Rachel had seemed nice, if slightly aloof, and Alison appreciated that she took the time to hear Cosima out afterward. It didn't make her any less worried about the whole situation, she'd said, with the same motherly tone that got under Sarah's skin at times. She desperately wanted things to go back as they were but Sarah had to tell her it wasn't that simple, that her trying to hurt Cos had changed things, that Cosima calling her out changed things.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go speak to Helena, yeah?" She gave his hand a squeeze. "Thanks for listenin'. Even if I didn't feel much like talkin'."

"You miss her." It was not a question and she swallowed, feeling her eyes fill. Felix never had to know the details to completely understand and she squeezed his hand again, fingers threading through his. 

"Yeah. She's gone to visit her horrible witch of a mum and I invited her here to meet you lot but...I don't think she was ready."

Felix tutted sympathetically. "Well, when she's ready, we're ready to meet her," He thumbed away the moisture on her lashes, kissing her cheek. "Go and talk to your sister."

"Love you," she said, heading inside. She bounded the stairs, two at a time, until she reached her twin's room.

 "Oi, Helena, it's me." Sarah rapped twice on the door before entering. Helena was already dressed for bed, reading a book in the soft glow of the lamplight. As Sarah entered and sat down on the bed, she closed it and looked at her, as if she'd expected the visit.

"Hello sestra," The corners of her mouth curled up. "Is Kira leaving yet? I want to say good-bye before she goes."

Sarah shook her head. "They're leavin' in a bit. I'll send her up, yeah?" She took a breath, studying her hands resting on the comforter. "Hey, Helena..."

"You do not need to apologize, Sarah," she said softly, "I understand."

"You do?"

"Yes," Helena said. "You were upset. I know you did not mean to lose temper." she leaned forward, placed her hand over Sarah's. "Cosima is also upset. Alison says you will not return her calls."

"Yeah..." Sarah tensed, "It's all so bloody difficult, innit. The whole thing with Rachel and fightin' with Cos. Feels like it's all out of control, y'know, and sumthin's gotta give, Helena. I just don't know what." she looked at her. "But it's not gonna be Rachel. I know how awful that sounds, but---"

"I understand," Helena  said again. "Cosima will, how do you say, come around? She needs time, yes?"

Sarah laughed, a short, sharp sound. "I dunno about that."

"She is worried."

"Are you?"

They locked eyes and Helena shook her head. "Your heart knows what to do, sestra. You will make right choices."

"My heart is what got me into this whole mess," she muttered. "Look, no more bein' afraid to talk about things, alright? From now on, we're honest with one another, yeah?" She squeezed Helena's foot. "I'll send Kira up in a few."

The rest of the night dragged on. Kira left with her father, Felix went home, Helena and Siobahn headed to bed, and Sarah was left to stare at her phone, willing it to buzz again. She'd only heard from Rachel once before they'd sat down to eat, a short message wishing her Happy Thanksgiving and letting her know that she'd made it to Vancouver safely.

The ache in her chest was heavy and unfamiliar and didn't go away as the night ended and the next day came. She got up and had coffee with Siobahn while they chatted idly and she wandered around the house until S called her out and suggested they take a walk. Helena had gone to spend the day at Alison's and the older woman assumed Sarah's restlessness stemmed from missing Kira (and she did) but she allowed her to believe what she wanted and let herself be coaxed into taking the walk and afterward, riding down to the shops and where S bought her some clothes. She'd snuck in a quick text to Rachel, asking how she was holding up, keeping it light, which was difficult when her stomach was in knots. None of it helped and she picked up her phone every fifteen minutes only to see there was nothing. Rachel was always prompt about returning messages, almost fanatical about it and she felt her pulse racing. _Rachel's busy_ , she tried to calm herself, _and she certainly doesn't owe you constant bloody communication._

When Saturday arrived and she still hadn't heard anything, she began to worry. A call went straight to voice mail.

"Go to her apartment," Alison suggested calmly when Sarah rang her in a blind panic. "Maybe she came back but the stress of seeing her mother was too much and she needs some time to recharge." She laughed thinly, "if I spent the weekend with my mother, I'd certainly need to go off the grid too."

By now, Sarah was on good terms with the doorman and he greeted her warmly when she stepped into the building.

"Hope you had a great Thanksgiving," he smiled. "You can head right up."

"Thanks Troy," Sarah struggled to steady her erratic breathing, "she back, then?"

"Ms. Duncan arrived early yesterday morning," he replied, clearly taken aback. "She isn't expecting you?"

"Uh, I'm surprising her. Matter of fact, yeah, I remember now...she did tell me she might be comin' home early. Thanks Troy. I'll be goin' up."

He eyed her somewhat suspiciously but remained silent as she slid into the elevator. Leaning against the cool marble, she sighed. "Christ, Rachel, what the hell is goin' on."

She knocked on the door, once and then twice. No answer. Placing her hand on the knob, she found it open.

"Rachel?" she called out, stepping into semi-darkness, "It's Sarah. You here?" Turning on the light in the living room, she gasped. Broken glass littered the hardwood, empty gin bottles were strewn on the couch and Rachel's suitcase looked like it had been thrown, its contents spilled everywhere. Sarah's heart sank.

"Rachel!" she called, louder, making her way down the hall, only to find more broken fragments of a bottle, the crunch of the pieces almost deafening under her boot. Ducking into the bathroom, Sarah found her.

Rachel was propped up against the bathtub, sitting in a sea of glass, hair tangled, face white. Her left hand was swathed in toilet paper, which was very quickly filling up with blood. "Rachel," Sarah sank to her knees beside her on the tile, taking in the glass and the blood and Rachel's hitched breath. "What the hell---what happened?" She was nauseous.

Rachel registered her presence then, her lips slipping into a thin, terrible smile that wasn't really a smile at all. "Hello, Sarah."

"Don't," she said, grabbing at the towel that lay hanging on the rack, instantly wrapping Rachel's hand in it. She leaned forward to apply pressure. "What--what did you do?"

"I cut my hand," she said simply, closing her eyes. "Smashed a martini glass. It crumbled to bits." She laughed and the sound sent chills down Sarah's spine. "It was like snow, Sarah, all the glass. The way it fell through my fingers...quite beautiful, actually."

A thin sheen of sweat coated her pale forehead and all Sarah could smell was gin and the foul odor of sickness. It was hard to stay calm, to focus on keeping her grip on Rachel's bleeding hand. God, she wished Alison were here. She was the best one of them during an emergency, she knew what to say, what questions to ask, she didn't grow weak kneed at the mere sight of blood.

But Alison wasn't there. She forced herself to swallow, to breathe, to concentrate on keeping her voice as steady she could, even though Rachel was small and pale and very, very drunk and she was terrified.

"Rachel," she said, one arm pressing firmly down on the wound, one arm around her shoulders, "I need you to tell me what happened, if you can."

"Oh Sarah." There was that awful laugh again and Sarah shuddered. "My mother is a monster and I'm a fool." Rachel said. "There isn't much more to the story."

"You're probably gonna need stitches," Sarah said quietly. "Lemme take you to hospital, yeah?" She didn't add that it looked as if she'd consumed enough gin for forty people and she was worried about alcohol poisoning as well.

"I'm fine," Rachel jerked her arm away, the blood starting to drip once again. Her white sweater was caked with it and Sarah had to grasp the side of the tub, suddenly dizzy. Then Rachel retched and Sarah guided her over the toilet bowl, rubbing her back as she vomited until there was nothing left.

"I'll go dig up some bandages," she told her, much more calmly than she felt. She rummaged through the medicine cabinet, finding a first aid kit, gauze and some medical tape.

"Why did you come?" Rachel looked at her through glazed eyes as Sarah cleaned and bandaged up the gash. "what made you---"

"I was worried. You weren't answerin' your texts and then I called and---"

"You shouldn't be here, Sarah. I can take care of myself."

"Yeah, I can see. You were doin' a bang up job of it too."

Rachel closed her eyes again. "I don't need you."

The sting barely registered. "What was the alternative, eh? Losing so much blood from that nasty cut on your hand you went into shock? Chokin' on your own vomit?" she pulled her close. "I'd say you very much need someone, Rachel."

She expected Rachel to order her out, to tell her to go to hell. What she didn't expect was for the other woman to crumple against her and sob, burying her face into Sarah's jacket.

"S'alright," Sarah murmured, stroking matted hair. "It'll be alright. Not goin' anywhere." She wanted to find Susan Duncan and rip out her throat with her bare hands but her anger was useless. Instead, she held Rachel tightly, her stomach clenching with every convulsive sob, with every tiny hiccup.

_I love her._

The thought hit her full force, making her chest ache and her throat ache as she grasped Rachel as hard as she could without hurting her. She could have died, Sarah realized numbly, she could have died if I hadn't come by. But she had come and Rachel was okay, she'd be okay.

The rest she would figure out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! Thank you all for the lovely comments. I honestly can't say thank you enough.
> 
> <3


	14. Chapter 14

It had been a long night. Rachel steadfastly refused to go to the emergency room, though in her weakened state, Sarah reasoned she could probably have slung her over her shoulder and carried her there. The gash on the other woman's hand had stopped bleeding but she was still sweaty and lethargic and she found herself contacting someone who she knew would come over, no questions asked.

 _Keep her awake_ , Delphine had texted back. _Keep her talking. If she loses consciousness, if she starts trembling, do not wait for me. Call for an ambulance._ She counted her blessings that Delphine was just finishing up her shift at the hospital and that she'd agreed to swing by Rachel's.

So she had followed directions, something she had never been particularly adept at. She spoke to Rachel about school and about something she'd watched on TV and the football game coming up on Monday that she didn't give two shites about. Rachel didn't say much in return but she listened under heavy lidded eyes, letting Sarah run her thumb over her knuckles in the same steady pattern.

Sarah had Delphine sent up after Troy had confirmed it with her and when she opened the door, she was immediately relieved. She'd kept it together as best as she could but Delphine knew what she was doing. Rachel ended up needing two stitches which Delphine executed so deftly that Rachel barely flinched. She asked her a slurred question in French ( Somehow, Sarah couldn't muster up any shock over the fact that even intoxicated, the other woman's grasp on the language was perfect) and Delphine looked up at her, her eyes widening for just a second before she smiled and responded. Then they helped Rachel into the shower, into a clean pair of pajamas and put her to bed before Sarah walked Delphine out.

"Watch out for any more vomiting," Delphine said, slinging her bag over her shoulder. "Or anything else that is not ususal, yes?"

"Yeah, I will. Listen, Del, thanks. "Specially since things with me and Cosima are still up in the air."

"It was no problem." She touched her shoulder. "But please...if Rachel ever speaks about hurting herself again, you need to tell someone. Me or anyone else. This could have gone very badly tonight. As for Cosima," she took a breath. "I know this isn't any of my business, but she is hurting too, Sarah. I know you know what you are doing and you obviously care for Rachel very much but please don't give up your friendship, okay? Cosima loves you."

"Thanks for comin' by, Delphine...for everythin'. I'll call you again if I need you, yeah?" She shut the door, choosing to ignore how the doctor was looking at her and thus avoiding any more conversation regarding how much Cosima was hurting. Her focus was on Rachel.

Sarah slid in between the sheets carefully as not to jostle the other woman, who was positioned on her side as Delphine had instructed, the blanket tucked around her small frame. It was an unusual thing to see someone as formidable as Rachel so weak and again the swell of fierce protection rose up and sat smack in the middle of her chest. Gently, she floated her hand over the top of Rachel's head, the strands still slightly damp from the shower. She wouldn't think about what could have happened if she hadn't come. She wouldn't.

"Still here?"

"Thought you were asleep." Sarah slid down to rub over Rachel's shoulder blades, careful to keep her touch light.

"Mmm, no." The words sounded much clearer and Sarah felt her jumping pulse slow. "I don't want to force you to stay, Sarah. Dr. Cormier said I'm going to be fine."

"She also said you nearly drank enough to have had alcohol poisonin' and you should consider yourself lucky. And if that cut had been a few inches down..." Sarah shivered. "Stop tryin' to kick me out, Rachel. Told you I wasn't goin' anywhere, remember?"

She felt Rachel sigh, the exhalation pushing against her palms. "I'm sorry you had to see me in this state."

"Yeah, well, you saw me in a state too, at the bar. Guess that makes us even."

Rachel swallowed dryly. "This isn't exactly the same situation."

"Does it really matter, then? Point is, I'm not leavin' you. There's a chance you could still get sick and Delphine wants to make sure them painkillers she gave you stay down." She kneaded gingerly into the muscles of Rachel's lower back.

"When I asked you to stay for a few days, this isn't quite how I'd envisioned it."

Sarah laughed and the weight of it felt good, made some of the ache ease up. "Nice to see you're gettin' back to yourself a bit."

Rachel's shoulders tensed. "Sarah. I---it was good of you to--I appreciate that you came here. And that you called Dr. Cormier."

"Shhh, s'alright," she soothed, steadying her. "don't try to talk. We can talk when you're feelin' better, yeah?"

"Please. Let me say this," Rachel implored her hoarsely. "it was good of you to come. I know that you care, Sarah."

"Course I do."

"And I appreciate that, even if I can't fully understand why." She paused. "What _you_ don't understand is this wasn't something that got out of control. I knew what would happen if I began to drink. I knew what would happen if I crushed that glass in my hands, and I knew what could have certainly occurred if you hadn't decided to check on me. None of it mattered, Sarah. My life holds little value to anyone."

For the first time since stepping foot into Rachel's apartment, for the first time that entire evening, Sarah cried.

Rachel rolled over slowly, with obvious effort. "Except," she caught Sarah's tears on her fingers, her hands soft on her damp cheeks, "to you."

****

The morning dawned bright and sunny and Sarah found herself alone in Rachel's gargantuan bed, the other woman's absence registering as soon as she opened her eyes.

"Shite." She bolted upright, the empty space next to her immediately making her blood run cold and she darted out of the room and into the kitchen, only to see Rachel fixing two cups of coffee at the marble counter top.

"Good morning." She didn't turn around. "Coffee?"

"Uh, yeah, thanks." Sarah said. Get a bloody hold of yourself, she thought, taking the cup off of the counter. "So," She let the porcelain warm her hands, "how are you feelin'?"

"Fine." Rachel turned toward her then, the white of her robe making her face seem even paler. Her movements were steady and Sarah was relieved. "I sent Troy out to purchase this," she gestured to the stainless steel contraption on the counter, stationed in the place the unused espresso maker formerly sat. "I know you favor coffee in the morning."

The gesture was incredibly kind and Sarah opened her mouth to say so before hesitating. "You should be in bed, Rachel. Remember how Delphine said to take it easy?" She didn't add that realistically, the other woman should have had a hangover the size of a small island.

"Making coffee is hardly a strenuous activity."

"Back to bed," Sarah ordered, picking up Rachel's cup along with her own and moving to the direction on the bedroom.

"Once again," Rachel sighed, "I'd envisioned those words being used in a vastly different context."

If she hadn't felt like utter shit, Sarah would've countered with some sort of cheeky response. Their back and forth banter was easy and she loved Rachel's dry wit, not that she would ever tell her as much. But she couldn't bring herself to do anything, other than shrug. Her muscles ached and her throat hurt and she hadn't looked in a mirror in the span of six hours but she was willing to bet she was a fright.

"There we are," Sarah pulled the sheets and blankets over Rachel, helping her to prop herself on the pillows and ignoring her protest of, "I'm not an invalid, Sarah," before handing her the cup.

She climbed in next to her. "Now we're gonna stay here and you're gonna rest, yeah?"

"Isn't your mother going to worry?"

"Foster mum," Sarah corrected, taking a sip of coffee. It was hot and rich on her tongue and her jaw loosened ever so slightly. "And you make me sound like I'm sixteen."

Rachel drank her coffee as well, making a pleased sound in the back of her throat. "Regardless, she obviously cares for you very much."

"Yeah. We haven't always gotten along but she looks out for me, Kira too. Loves her like she's her own." She leaned over, putting her cup carefully on the floor. "I dunno...I just never felt I could...belong to her, I'spose it is. Fe's different. I always accepted him as my blood but with S, it's not that simple."

"Yes," Rachel said, placing her own cup down on the nightstand, "I'm afraid I know all too well about how complicated familial relationships can be."

"She doesn't deserve you."

She didn't have time to wonder if it was the wrong thing to say because Rachel touched her elbow fleetingly before resting her hands in her lap. "I brought some of this upon myself, Sarah. You voiced your hesitations and I should have listened."

It was the Rachel Duncan equivalent of admitting she was wrong but Sarah could take no pleasure in it. "Not even close to bein' your fault, yeah?"

"There was a reason I hadn't seen her in years. She has a way of making me feel small. Not invisible, as she did when I was a child, but insignificant. All of my accomplishments, my success, it means nothing to her. That part isn't important. I didn't succeed for her. I didn't do anything with her in mind." Rachel's eyes narrowed. "She asked me to come because she said she was ill again, very ill this go around. I assumed she'd be far too weak to inflict much damage."

"What happened?" Sarah treaded lightly.

"As it turns out, as prepared as I made myself, Susan is a master manipulator. She wasn't ill at all. It was just to get me to Vancouver." She shook her head. "Once I was there, she told me she wanted to repair our relationship but when I found out she had lied, I told her there was nothing to repair when we had never had one in the first place." Rachel said flatly. "The man my mother married in recent years was there as well, even though she had assured me he wouldn't be, and I had absolutely nothing to say to him. He's a disgusting excuse for a human. Susan said she never loved me, that I'd been very sick when I was born and I should have died, that she would've been happier if I had. I knew all of that, of course. I'd suspected it for years. I suppose actually hearing her say it..." She shrugged, feigning indifference but Sarah knew better and took her hand in hers.

"I came back here and you know the rest."

Sarah ached. She ached to say something that would soothe some of Rachel's pain, to band-aid the hurt, but she had no words to help. Nothing would erase the impact Susan's vile spewing had had on her and she knew Rachel was aware of it too. She had tried, with gin and with shards of glass, but it was futile.

"Last night is still a bit fuzzy but I do know I didn't properly thank you for everything you did for me," Rachel told her, "If I seemed ungrateful in any way, Sarah, please know that I'm not. Not many people would have done what you did." She trained her eyes on Sarah. "No one would have."

The lump formed in her throat before she could stop it. "You don't need to thank me. But you do need to promise you're not gonna do anythin' that bloody stupid again."

"I don't make promises, Sarah." She replied, patting her hand. "You know that."

"Well, you can make an exception this time, yeah?" Their eyes connected and Rachel allowed herself to be pulled into Sarah's side, rested her head upon her shoulder. It was significant, Sarah knew, for Rachel to let herself be taken care of. There was nothing comfortable about the situation: Rachel hated being weak and confined, Sarah disliked feeling powerless, yet it was as if Rachel had waved some sort of a white flag, that she'd accepted the fact Sarah wasn't about to leave her to her own devices (maybe it wasn't so much acceptance as it was resignation). Whatever the case was, she took it as granted grace and ran with it.

"I was mistaken about you," Rachel's words were slightly muffled by Sarah's hair.

"Oh yeah? How so?"

"I didn't think you were going to make it a single day in my class, let alone an entire term. And it wasn't because I didn't believe you weren't capable."

"Go on."

"It was simply that you were so _angry_. You blamed everyone else, when in fact it was you not putting in an effort because you didn't believe you deserved to be at university in the first place." She raised her head. "But you proved me wrong, Sarah."

There was a warmth to her voice that crept along the edges and she made no attempt to disguise it with anything else. "Of course, getting so involved wasn't part of the plan. I had just hoped to help you pass."

"Mmm, but you _liked_ me," Sarah sing-songed, smirking when Rachel shook her head disdainfully. "Betcha you weren't thinkin' that was gonna happen, didya? You, all prim and proper and me showin' up, scruffy..." She felt Rachel's nails brush over the top of her thigh, recognized the heat radiating off of her body as she grasped onto to Sarah's hair with her other hand, a familiar precursor to sex.

"I rather liked the scruffiness. I still do, if the truth be told," Rachel added, letting her hand slip down further.

"Hey, hey, Delphine said you needed to take it easy. Plenty of time for that later, yeah?" Sarah pulled her down to rest on the mountain of pillows. "For now, sleep."

Rachel looked at her then, as they faced one another, a peculiar expression crossing over her features.

"What is it?"

"Nothing." The other woman glanced away, eyes fixed on the ceiling before turning back to Sarah. "You're---quite lovely, you know."

She was very sure she wasn't anything of the sort after the night they'd had, but the way Rachel said it, the way Rachel was looking at her as she said it, gave her a little start like she'd been kicked, before warmth crept up into her spine to fill her whole body.

The woman next to her wasn't a stranger anymore, she realized, it was _Rachel._ Her gaze took in the slight curl at the ends of her hair, the tiny visible vein pulsing in her temple, the bandage around her hand... and the rush of affection was so fierce that she wanted to lay her head upon Rachel's chest and never bother with returning to the outside world.

Rachel's eyes had changed from honey to an almost translucent green and they never left Sarah's face until she finally closed them and slept.

Time sped up and it soon it was class day. Sarah had insisted on coming back, grabbing clothes while S had gone to work. Cal had called and asked to take Kira to school before he hopped on his flight in the afternoon and she'd agreed after speaking with her daughter, who'd missed her but had a good weekend.

"Yeah, I'll pick you up later, then." Sarah said, holding the phone between her cheek and shoulder as she tugged on socks. "Love you, monkey. See you soon."

Rachel had paused at the endearment, walking into the bedroom. She was dressed in a dark green wrap dress, flats on her feet ,which Sarah looked down at and then up at Rachel in surprise.

"I don't have the balance required for heels today," she said matter of factly. "Are you ready? I hope I didn't interrupt your call with Kira."

She was used to Rachel's pulling back after she'd opened up and each time she did, it cut a little less deep.

"No, no, we were just gettin' off the phone. I'm gonna pick her up from school."

"I'm glad." Her expression softened for a moment before she tightened her jaw. "Well, back to it, I suppose. You really don't need to drive in with me, Sarah. I'm perfectly capable of making it alone."

"I know. I want to, is the difference." Sarah rose from the bed. "You can drop me off a few blocks down from the entrance, yeah? No one will see that way."

She slung an arm around Rachel's shoulder. "It'll be fine." Sensing the other woman's hesitation, she paused. "You alright? You're not nervous about goin' back, are you?"

"No," She moved out of Sarah's grasp, sliding a hand down the skirt of the dress to smooth it. "I'm fine. Come on, we're going to be late."

The drive in was completely silent and Sarah tugged impatiently on the sleeves of her jacket, poked a finger in the tear of her jeans, fiddled with the radio dials until Rachel shot her a look. "Are you sure you're---"

"Sarah," Rachel said pointedly. "I'm not the one who is clearly about to jump out of their own skin. Now, please, be still."

Taking a breath, Sarah complied, settling back into the seat. Something about Rachel was off but she couldn't put her finger on what it was. It wasn't until she had dropped Sarah off far from any building at all, driving away, and Sarah was sitting in lecture, doodling little stars in the margins of her notebook that it hit her. Rachel sounded like Rachel. She looked like Rachel, even sans heels, with her expertly applied make-up and tailored dress and freshly straightened hair. Her voice was measured and commanding, same as always, but as Sarah looked closer, she could see her tucking her bandaged hand behind her back.

She was trembling.

After lecture had ended, she sprang up and dodged down the aisle, nearly tripping over her own two feet as she did and toward Rachel's desk. "Uh," she gasped for air, "You alright, Professor Duncan?"

The title sat in her mouth awkwardly as if didn't belong there and she stared at Rachel, willing the concern to go out of her voice. Rachel glanced up from some papers she'd been shuffling.

"I'm fine, Miss. Manning. It's very kind of you to ask."

Bullshit, she wanted to yell out, but instead she clamped down her mouth and mumbled, "Right," before storming out of lecture.

Still, Sarah wasn't shocked when she found herself in Rachel's office an hour later, perched on the desk as Rachel sat, collapsed in her chair, holding out a bottle of water.

"Drink," she ordered and Rachel obeyed, still with a slight tremor. "Rachel? What is it?"

She shook her head, her breathing ragged. "I don't know what came over me in lecture. One minute I felt fine and the next---"

"Anxiety attack," Sarah supplied, sliding off of the desk to stand by the chair. "It's alright. You're alright. Nothing to be afraid of. Scary, but they pass. Shhh, breathe. Take a breath. In and out." She put her hands on Rachel's back, rubbing slow soothing circles. "You're okay. That's it," she coached as Rachel's breathing slowly returned to normal, "one more breath, yeah? Thatta girl. That's good."

Rachel closed her eyes, collecting herself before regarding Sarah. "Once again, you knew precisely what to do, didn't you?" She smiled slightly. "You are full of surprises."

"Look, Rachel, maybe you're overdoin' it. Maybe this is too much today. You need some more rest."

"All I've done all weekend was rest, Sarah. You made certain of that."

"Hey, just lookin' out for you, yeah?"

Rachel rubbed her temples wearily. "I know. I didn't mean to snap at you. I know you only had my best interests in mind." She pulled Sarah into her lap, "But I'm fine. What's done is done, Sarah. As I said in lecture, I do appreciate your concern." She brought her head down to Sarah's and kissed her.

"Ah, excuse me, Professor Duncan?" A voice rang out, startling them so that Sarah bolted upright and flew off of Rachel's lap.

In her haste, she'd forgotten to close the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Winding down, guys. You've all made this worthwhile, every single one of you, with your comments and your encouragement, and I appreciate you.
> 
> <3


	15. Chapter 15

"Rachel." Sarah put a hand out to anchor her, but Rachel pulled away as if she'd been burned. "Rachel," she said again, her throat tight, "It's gonna be alright."

"No," Rachel turned toward her slowly, her face pinched, "It isn't. Nothing about this is alright." Her hands gripped the steering wheel. "I was entirely too comfortable, I didn't consider that everyone was still in the building. I didn't consider _anything_."

Sarah didn't like how she was putting the blame squarely upon her own shoulders. Rachel was right, they'd gotten careless, maybe she was the one who had gotten cocky, started to think they were untouchable. "We don't know she's going to say anything to anybody, do we. C'mon, Rachel. What reason does she have?"

 "She's an adjunct professor. If I stepped down...if there was some type of scandal, Professor Cho is in line for a permanent position."

"Oh."

"The only saving grace is that I've recently learned that the head of the department is having an affair with her. It could very well be useful information."

"Wait...you'd blackmail her? Shite, that's going a bit far, yeah?" 

The other woman closed her eyes and let out a pained breath. "I would only use that information if it were absolutely necessary, Sarah. I spoke to her, of course, but one can't be sure. Professor Cho is entirely for herself."

"I got you into this whole mess," Sarah sighed, threading a hand through her hair. "I may have mucked everyhin' up for you, Rachel..."

"It was hardly a one sided pursuit." For the first time since they had gotten into the car, Rachel touched her, her hand brushing Sarah's shoulder. "There isn't anything more to do this evening."

They were down the street from Sarah's house and the thought of going home to face her own intrusive thoughts was making her stomach turn. "I can head over yours later, if you want."

"I'm afraid I wouldn't be much company," Rachel replied flatly. "And you said Kira was looking forward to spending some time with you."

"Yeah. Yeah, you're right." She was a shite mum and a shite person and a shite...what, lover, _girlfriend_ , all of the above? For the life of her, she couldn't fathom why normal things like love and going to school and having a life fell to shit, why everything fell to shit the second she touched it.

"We don't meet for class tomorrow but I'll be sure to call you, should I find anything out."

There was the wall again. The one Rachel had taken down over and over, to the point Sarah thought she'd been the one to destroy it completely, only for Rachel to re-erect it whenever she felt cornered. And Sarah suspected if anything was to make Rachel feel cornered, it was the possibility of losing everything.

She nodded, trying not to think about how she felt sick, how much she wanted to vomit all over the expensive upholstery. What Rachel didn't understand, what she couldn't understand, was how much Sarah would be losing too if it was over. "See you tomorrow then, yeah?"

Sarah didn't want to push her when she was already fragile (If she had said as much, Rachel would have claimed she wasn't anything of the sort) so she made no move toward her as she started to leave the car but to her surprise, Rachel got out first and opened the passenger door, pulling her up and pressing her against the car, pinning her wrists behind her.

"Sarah." Her name sat low in Rachel's mouth as she leaned forward to kiss her. There was something about the kiss that felt different, as if something had changed already, and Sarah kissed her back but she couldn't shake the fact that it was odd. Rachel's arms were around her waist and although her hands were immobile, there was nothing sharp or dangerous about it...Rachel's lips against hers were soft, it was all just too soft. Tenderness. That was it, it dawned upon Sarah, Rachel was tender. Everything about the kiss and the way she held her was foreign and Sarah didn't like it. Rachel's words and gestures had softened into something as of late, which could have been described as _moments_ of tenderness but this felt new.

It felt like a good-bye.

****

 

 

As she'd become adept at hiding, Sarah shoved down her anxiety that evening, forcing a smile for Kira's sake, managing to eat dinner, making small talk with Helena and Felix and Siobahn.

Then the house was still and she was alone. The look on Rachel's face after Professor Cho had caught them played on a loop in her head, how fear had darkened her features, how Sarah could instinctively feel Rachel's breath speed up without even having to look at her, the way Rachel stammered for a nanosecond before recovering and how much she wished she could've stayed in the office to help, the image of Rachel fiddling nervously with the dressing on her hand making her gut twist.

She knew she could go to Helena. Her twin would understand. She would reassure Sarah it would be okay, that everything would work out and Sarah could lay her head on Helena's shoulder and allow herself to be comforted. She knew she could do that.

But it would only be a band-aid and it was something she didn't deserve. Despite what Rachel had said, the situation was her fault and hers alone. She had brazenly pursued Rachel in the first place. She knew the more they kept meeting in Rachel's office, the greater the risk of being caught was. And it was Sarah who fell hard, who said fuck the consequences, who was so bloody selfish that she not only put Rachel's career in jeopardy but her own shot to make something of herself, and everyone else's faith in her.

"Here we are," Alison put a hand on her shoulder, handing her the bottle before sitting down next to her on the sofa. "So," she said, folding her hands in her pajama clad lap. "Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?"

Sarah hadn't been able to sleep so she'd phoned Alison, hopped into S's truck and headed to Bailey Downs. Alison hadn't asked any questions but Sarah assumed she had to have an inkling of what the visit was going to be about. As soon as she answered the door, she took one look at Sarah's face and gathered her up in a tight embrace before they headed downstairs.

Now Sarah shrugged, taking a sip of beer, letting the bitter taste rest on her tongue. "Why I'm here. I s'pose. Dunno why I came, really. This is all so bloody stupid---"

"Hold it right there, missy," Alison chided, crossing her legs delicately underneath her. "There is nothing stupid about needing a friend. Helena and Felix are wonderful but they're your siblings. Talking about things with someone else is just---it's different. And I'm happy to help, really. We love you, Sarah."

"Mmmm," Sarah said, tracing the line of condensation down the neck of the bottle with one finger. "You mean you and Cos. Look, Alison, if this whole thing is gonna turn into another Cosima's hurtin' too, why don't you just forgive her thing, I'm sorry, but I'm just gonna leave, yeah?"

Alison sighed. "Of course I want you two to come to your senses. But heavens to Betsy, Sarah, you didn't come here tonight for that."

The other woman relaxed and settled into herself before answering, her eyes meeting Alison's. "Someone walked in on us today. An adjunct professor."

Alison blanched and she took Sarah's hand. "Oh, sweetie...oh no."  
  
"Yeah. I practically ran out of there, y'know, left Rachel to do damage control like the piece of shit I am."

"You're nothing of the sort," Alison reassured her, squeezing her fingers. "What other choice did you have? It would have been much worse if you stayed."

"Yeah, I know."

"So...what's the next step?"

It was typical Alison to always have a plan of attack, to know what the stakes were, what they were up against, before she tackled a problem head on.

"Wait and see what happens...Rachel's gonna talk to her more tomorrow, see if she plans on sayin' anythin'. Other than that, there is no plan."

"Well, you need to have a plan, Sarah. You can't go into this blindly. You both need to discuss what it is you're going to say if that woman goes to the department head---"

"Jesus, Alison, Rachel and I are adults. This isn't Oscar or Gemma you're talkin' to and this isn't a bloody soccer match that you're coachin'." She stopped, horrified. "Oh shite, Ali. I'm sorry, I---that was totally uncalled for."

"If you don't want my help, you can just say so," Alison bristled. "You've been very snappy with me lately, Sarah, and I don't appreciate it."

"I know, I know," Sarah reached out to put a hand over hers. "I know I have and I'm sorry. I'm been such an ungrateful wanker and you've been nothin' but kind. I'm just--" she heaved a sigh, "it's been---Christ, Ali, I dunno what to do. I think I'm gonna lose her."

Her friend slid over onto Sarah's cushion, putting an arm around her shoulder. "Hey, you don't know that. Okay? Why don't you take it one step at a time. Just take a breath and see what happens tomorrow. Easier said than done, right? We'll get through this, Sarah. Whatever happens."

The grey of the morning fit Sarah's mood as she dressed in a black hoodie and jeans, shoving on the ankle boots she knew Rachel liked instead of her usual ones.

She hadn't even attempted breakfast, her throat too pinched to swallow anything solid, resigned to coffee which she gulped so fast that it burned going down. The train ride was painfully slow and by the time she got to math class, she wanted to turn around and head back, but she pulled her hood down low over her eyes and headed to the building.

As soon as class was finished, Sarah checked her phone to find a message from Rachel asking her to meet her a few blocks from campus in the parking lot of a coffee shop.

Shite. Her heart thudded uncontrollably as she navigated her way through campus. The rain was coming down in sheets and by the time she slid into the seat of the Mercedes, she was soaked.

Rachel said nothing. Her eyes were fixed on a spot in the distance and she ran a hand absently over the fabric of her raincoat, swallowing once and then twice before speaking.

"I was called into a meeting with the department head this morning," She began slowly, "Apparently, Professor Cho came up with some sort of elaborate fabrication, claiming she spoke to several of my office mates who said that they've heard odd noises coming from the office, one of which, saw you leaving a few weeks ago, looking mussed." Rachel cast her gaze upon the ringlets of moisture dripping from Sarah's hair, rolling onto the leather of her jacket. "She told him she believed I seduced you and that you had been failing previously. I had to pull up your marks."

"Rachel---" Sarah shook her head. "This is all my bloody doin'."

"Of course, given the circumstances, how my colleagues feel about me, and the fact I'm only tenured because Dr. Norton was strong armed into it by the Dean, it's quite obvious who he chose to believe." Her mouth twisted into an unamused smile. "Given also the fact that he's screwing her." She turned toward her, eyes dark, "Dr. Norton would like to speak to you tomorrow morning. He'll be contacting you."

"Well, that's good then, yeah? Tell him my side of the story, that if anybody was seducin' anyone, it was me. I'm not gonna let you---I'll take the blame for everythin'." She was frantic, she could feel the waves coursing through her body like the sea, but she couldn't take a breath or else it would consume her.

"Stop." Rachel's command was sharp and it cut into her as she looked at her through a smear of eyeliner. "You aren't going to tell him anything of the sort, do you understand. I'm not going to allow you to take the blame when it was my doing, Sarah. All of it. I knew the risks going into this and I certainly knew what the consequences would be. My reputation is already ruined. I will not, under any circumstances, permit you to ruin yours as well."

 _Thank you_ , is what she should have said, she knew, and what she wanted to say was, _I'd be doin' it for you because I love you, you stupid, stupid woman_ , but instead she snapped, "Don't play a bloody hero, Rachel. This is your career we're talkin' about. And everyone knows I'm a fuck up, yeah? Won't come as a shock. And you were tutorin' me, of course I was gonna be comin' out of your office. And 'sides, there isn't any rule against datin' your Professor. Or shaggin' them, or whatever."

"The university wants to avoid any possible scandal. If Professor Cho had kept quiet, if she hadn't snooped around to speak to the other people in the building...she saw us, Sarah. It wasn't a case of what she thought she saw. If they believe I was offering you sex for a passing grade, they're going to launch a full investigation."

"So we'll tell them. Everythin'. That this was a mutual thing. We'll have to prove it somehow."

"There's no proof to be had, Sarah." Rachel said thinly. "You can tell anyone you want you didn't sleep with me to pass but the proof is in the drastic improvement in your grades and how the time matches up. It's our word against theirs."

"What are we supposed to do, then? Just let them say you're a viper who shags her students at will in exchange for passing? I'm not gonna let you do that, Rachel. Bloody hell." Sarah kicked the dash hard.

"They want me to resign."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for all of your support. <3
> 
> Please comment and/or leave kudos if you enjoyed!


	16. Chapter 16

She knew no one could possibly know about them, that it wasn't likely any rumors could have been spread, but Sarah still felt on edge if another student so much as looked in her direction. It brought her right back to high school before she'd said bugger it all and dropped out. The hateful stares, the whispering, the murmurings that she had slept with both the head cheerleader and the captain of the soccer team (both true)...Sarah decided all of it was shite and she was failing anyway so what was the point and as unhappy as Siobahn was about her decision, there was little she could do about it.

Now she was here and low and behold, she'd screwed up again, slept with someone who was off limits and compromised the both of them but she couldn't regret it. Not when Rachel stood at the front of the room with a poise she knew was only an illusion, so beautifully delicate in Sarah's favorite dress, an almost royal blue maxi with soft lines. She hadn't even known Rachel had owned it until she was pawing through her closet one day, feeling bold after they'd been fucking for hours. She couldn't remember why she'd done it in the first place but the image of Rachel wrapped up in the sheets, drinking in Sarah's nude form as she held up various dresses and skirts to her body, had etched itself into her brain.

"I never wear that one," She'd informed Sarah when she'd showed her. "I don't know why I bought it, really." Rachel paused. "Would you like it? We look to be about the same size."

Sarah laughed. "Yeah, could you see me wearing this to class? Or at home, for that matter. They'd all think I'd gone off my nut." Grinning, she sank back down to the bed to nip at Rachel's lower lip. "I wanna see you in it. Betcha it looks good on you, yeah?"

She hadn't worn it until now and the thought she'd worn it specifically for her made her feel that familiar rush of adoration. The situation itself was fucked, but she couldn't regret anything.

The meeting with Norton was scheduled right after lecture and Sarah knew she wasn't the only one on edge about it. Rachel bit anyone's head off if they even raised their hand to ask a question and the room was silent. She refused to meet Sarah's eyes.

It was a painful two hours and when they were finished, Sarah ambled down the staircase and outside. The discomfort made her scowl and she tugged at her shirt. She had tried to look somewhat presentable when she had left the house, combed her hair a bit, worn jeans without holes, polished up her boots...anything to make a good case for Rachel.

_Don't try to paint me as a victim, Sarah. They've already made up their minds. Please think of yourself. Good luck._

Sarah jammed her phone back into her jacket pocket. Of course Rachel would choose bloody now to be sweet when they needed to be cutthroat. Steeling herself as she reached her destination, she entered the building and rode the elevator up to Dr. Norton's office, giving her name to his secretary. Probably shaggin' her too, Sarah thought bitterly, eyeing the attractive blonde.

"Ms. Manning." The head of the business department greeted, "Come in."

There was nothing cordial about his tone or his office which although far more furnished than Rachel's, somehow seemed ten times colder with it's furniture Sarah recognized to be Italian leather and degrees adorning almost every surface of wall.

"So," He folded his hands as she took a seat across from him. "I'm sure you're well aware of why I asked you to meet today."

"I s'pose so." Picking up a picture off of the desk, she held it up. "This your wife?"

Dr. Norton blinked. "Yes...that's my wife. Jane. And these are our children." He pointed to another picture of two teenagers, a boy and a girl, wearing identically bored expressions. "Back to the matter at hand." He looked at her. "Ms. Manning, we've become aware that you and Professor Duncan are involved. In a sexual relationship, is that correct?"

"Yeah. Yes."

"This university has no rule that professors and students can't be romantically linked. We do not encourage it, certainly, because it can make for a complicated situation. This is especially true in your case, Ms. Manning, as you are still currently Professor Duncan's student."

"I'm not understandin' what the problem is, Doctor." Sarah met his eyes. "Could you explain it to me, then."

She was well aware the man knew her feigned innocence was utter bullshit but he smiled patiently at her. "I have your grades here," He handed her a print-out. "This is at the beginning of the semester. As you know, you failed the first two quizzes and your written coursework and participation grades were below average. And now, if you'll observe," Dr. Norton pointed to a number on the sheet, "within the span of just two weeks, your quiz grades jumped up and then your mid-term examination score is quite high. The rest of the grades have been in the A to A plus range. That's a rather large leap from where you were, wouldn't you say?"

"Professor Duncan started tutorin' me," Sarah replied smoothly. "That's why my grades improved."

"Ah, she was tutoring you. And how did this come about?"

Sarah shifted in the chair. "She told me she wanted to help me pass."

"She offered to tutor you herself? Why not recommend someone from the academic help center? A peer tutor." He leaned forward, "Ms. Manning, did Professor Duncan proposition you in any way during these tutoring sessions? Told you she'd make sure your grades improved if you had relations?"

"No. And if I can say so, Doctor, I think this is all a bit out of line, yeah?" The fury thudded low in her belly. "Professor Duncan did nothin' more than give me study guides to help me pass. Yes, we're...involved as you called it. But that all happened after she'd already stopped tutorin'. One thing hasn't gotten anythin' to do with the other."

"I apologize if my line of questioning was harsh," Norton said, his expression molding into one of false sympathy, "My only motive is getting to the bottom of this, Ms. Manning, nothing more. We simply want to ensure that the professors employed at this university aren't abusing their power to manipulate students."

She shook her head, feeling her shoulder blades tense. "Nobody was manipulatin' anyone. It was two consentin' adults. That's it."

"And this study guide?" He flashed a set of papers in front of her face. "Does this seem similar to your mid-term at all? Here." He slid down copies for her to look at.

_Oh shit._

"Ms. Manning?"

"Yeah," Sarah mumbled, her face hot. "Not exactly the same."

"But extremely similar to the actual test, isn't it? And different from the study guide Professor Duncan handed out in class."

"It's a bit more comprehensive," She shot back, remembering the word Rachel used. "She knew how nervous I was about studyin' for it."

"You are aware, Ms. Manning, that one could easily say that the professor gave you almost the entire mid-term exam verbatim. Which would mean, of course, that she abetted you in cheating, something if you knew about, could lead to serious academic repercussions for yourself."

The smugness was practically radiating off of him and Sarah had the razor sharp instant flash of diving across the desk and grabbing him by the tie. "Look," she managed through gritted teeth, "if you wanna kick me out of university, fine. But Rachel is good at what she does, yeah? Askin' her to resign is stupid and it's not fair."

"We aren't here to discuss Professor Duncan's employment. We're here to speak about you and how the evidence is mounting that you entered into a relationship with her in order to achieve a passing grade. In spite of your protests to the contrary, Ms. Manning, everything is adding up to that conclusion, wouldn't you say?" Norton said.

She knew all about pricks like him, had spent her life around privileged shits who thought they could do whatever they wanted because they had the money and the power that she didn't. He was trying to reason with her, coax her to say what he wanted to hear and she wanted to spit in his pompous face.

"Whattya want from me, then?"

"The Dean simply needs you to make a statement that Professor Duncan entered into a sexual relationship with you in exchange to pass the course. I'm well aware of your history, that you dropped out of high school, and earned your GED. I also am aware of how much effort you put into getting here, Ms. Manning, and you should be applauded for that. Wouldn't it be a shame to toss it all away?"

"And if I won't give a statement?"

"You'll have violated our academic integrity policy and be expelled from the University, per our zero tolerance rule."

"I know about you and Professor Cho," she blurted before she could stop herself. "I know that you're shaggin' her and you have been for months." Crossing her arms over her chest, Sarah glared. "What would Jane say?"

Norton looked at her, studying her impassively. "Did you think," he started, "that your poor attempt at blackmail would get me to drop this investigation? Ms. Manning, for an intelligent woman, you certainly have naive ideas regarding interpersonal matters. Not that any of this is your concern, but Jane is well aware of any relationships I may or may not have outside our marriage. What I do or don't do with any other faculty members isn't subject to scrutiny. We're here to discuss your future at this university, which I strongly suggest you consider carefully, Ms. Manning. Professor Duncan made a very serious error in judgement and I'm afraid she's decided her own fate. You, on the other hand, still have a chance to take the higher road."

Sarah abruptly rose from her chair. "We done here?"

Dr. Norton nodded. "I believe we are. Please take what I said into consideration. My secretary will be in touch regarding that statement. Good day, Ms. Manning."

As she slammed the door to the office on her way out, a framed degree on the wall crashed to the floor, the glass shattering instantly.

The sound gave her only the smallest hint of grim satisfaction.

****

 _I think I made it all worse_ , Sarah texted Rachel, fingers flying furiously over the keys. _I said something about him shagging Cho. I opened my big fat gob and I fucked it up._

She had let herself into Felix's loft with the relieved knowledge he was out of town with Colin for a few days and told her if she needed to use it to go ahead. His tone had suggested he knew exactly what she would use it for.

Felix's couch was threadbare and comfortable and she groaned as her bones settled into the worn cushions, her cell phone resting on her chest. She was exhausted.

The buzz made her jump as she grabbed for the phone. _It doesn't matter_ , Rachel replied. _Nothing you could've said would have changed his mind. I need to speak to you, Sarah. Where are you?_

She could go to Rachel's. Hop on the train, be there in fifteen minutes. But that would put them in her space, where she was comfortable and where she knew Rachel would close her off, silence the underlying fear with sex and Sarah would let her.

It wasn't long before she heard the knock on the door and she'd finished up the last of the light cleaning (Felix wasn't exactly a fastidious house keeper.).

"Hey."

"Your brother lives in quite an interesting part of town," Rachel said as way of greeting. "I do trust my car will still be there when I go to retrieve it?"

It was her way of covering nerves but Sarah allowed herself to be irritated by it anyway and she moved aside so the other woman could enter.

"It's grotty. I know. Before you say anythin'."

"I was going to say it's obvious he has talent," Rachel said, eyeing a painting on the wall. "Is this you?"

"Uh, yeah," Sarah mumbled, embarrassed. "He makes me sit for him once in awhile...and then he squawks that I move too much."

Rachel let her lips turn up at the corners. "I do know what he means. You can never quite manage to keep still, can you." Her words were fond.

"Lemme take your coat, yeah?"

Rachel had changed into black pants and a white cashmere sweater that looked so soft, Sarah was tempted to sweep over the material with her palm, feel Rachel's skin jump under her hands. They were settled on the couch, close but not touching, Rachel having declined her offer of a drink.

"So," Sarah began, "that meeting was a load of shite. Norton's a right wanker...he just wanted me to---"

"Make a statement," Rachel cut in, meeting her eyes. "I know."

"How d'ya know?"

"Shortly after you finished your meeting, I spoke to Dr. Norton myself. He informed me that they asked you to make a statement against me but you were resistant. If you did not, you would suffer serious consequences for cheating. They believe I fed you the mid-term, Sarah."

"Ah, he's playin' you like a fiddle too, then." Sarah swept hands down her face. "Fuuuuuuuuuccccck," she drew the word out slowly until it satisfied her. "What are we supposed to do now? I make a statement, it's basically sayin' I fucked you to pass and we both know that isn't even close to bein' true, yeah? They're just gonna use it against you, build the case against you so that you'll leave."

"You won't be making any statement." Rachel leaned closer, her sweater brushing Sarah's bare arm. "There's no need to."

"Did he come to his bloody senses? Please, tell me he did."

"The reason you won't be making one, Sarah, is that I wouldn't allow it. I've made it simple for them," Her voice dropped. "I've turned in my resignation, effective immediately."

"What?" Sarah shook her head, "what are you on about, Rachel? You can't resign. That's sayin' you---we did _nothin'_ wrong, not a bloody thing. Norton hates you, you said it yourself. They're all jealous, the lot of em', and they want you out. We can't just give up."

"You're correct. They want to force me out of the department and they have for years. This was simply an opportunity for them to do so. It isn't giving up, although I can see how you would believe it to be so." She sighed. "The truth of the matter is, Sarah, they all expected me to fight tooth and nail for my position but what they did not expect was for me to bow out gracefully. They didn't win, not really." 

"But what---what will you do?" Her mouth had dried and she was having trouble getting words to push past her tongue. 

"They've given me a handsome severance package. That's a start. After that, I'm not sure."

"You don't hafta save me, Rachel. I would've told them it was my fault in that statement. I came on to you." Sarah was desperate, pleading. "Why the hell is it so hard for you to let me take care of you, eh? I don't bloody get it.""

"You don't understand."

"I'm so sick of you saying I can't understand. Make me understand, then! Lemme know why the hell you're always pushin' me away." She slid down to the other end of the couch, folded her legs up to her chin. "Maybe the job doesn't matter. Okay, fine, I can see that. But what about this? Huh, Rachel? Does all of this," she gestured between them, "does _any_ of this matter to you?"

"Sarah." Rachel closed her eyes, before turning back to her. "It's not as cut and dry as you believe."

"Yes, it is. We don't have the complication of you bein' my professor anymore, yeah?" Sarah reached out and took her hand, her thumb running over Rachel's knuckles in their old familar pattern. "It's stupid but I wanna bring you home to meet Siobahn," she confessed quietly. "She's been waitin' for me to bring someone decent 'round for years."

"That's very sweet," Rachel said. "But the complications aren't going to magically go away because I'm not your professor anymore, Sarah. It's not a viable argument because I am who I am. I hold no illusion regarding that fact."

"I like who you are." Sarah countered gruffly, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

 _Shut up shut up shut up,_ her brain screamed, at herself, at Rachel. The fear had balled itself into her ribs and she couldn't breathe all of a sudden, couldn't speak. She wanted to cry but the tears were stuck, burning the backs of her sockets.

"Please stop behaving like a naive teenager." Rachel pulled her hand away, voice harsher than she'd probably intended it. "We both know I can't give you what you need. It's high time we stop pretending that I can."

It didn't matter how much she'd prepared herself for the blow, for the impact. She had expected her chest to feel like it was being split wide open, to feel like she was sliced right down the middle with an axe. She had even expected to sob convulsively, her tears threatening to swallow her. But she could do nothing but stare at Rachel, in her sweater and smooth black pants, her face an impassive mask, as she picked at her cuticles, aware that Sarah saw but acting as though she hadn't.

She stared. "Who are you?" Her eyes burned from tears that wouldn't spill over. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I tried to warn you. I tried." Rachel was shaky, her voice quivering the smallest inch.

Sarah laughed, a bark, the sound getting caught in her throat and sticking there. "What will you do?" She asked again.

"Go on a long holiday, I suppose. Europe, maybe. Somewhere to get myself back in check." She paused, stood up. "None of this is easy for me, you know."

Sarah stood too, shivered, even though the loft was warm. "Yeah, well, it certainly seems that way, doesn't it? You, walkin' away, you goin' on holiday."

"Sarah---"

"No. You," she stepped toward Rachel, stepped into her space,"have to know how I feel. You know." She placed an open palm on Rachel's sweater, hand pressed up against her heart, feeling it thud against her fingertips. Sarah hated how alive Rachel felt. She jerked her hand away.

Rachel reached up and tugged gently at her shirt collar, pulling her close, resting their foreheads together for the briefest of seconds, before kissing her. Sarah's arms were around her waist, pressed against her as close as possible, Rachel's hand still grasping her t-shirt. She kept kissing her, she didn't dare break away. Because if she did, then Rachel would leave. She would leave and she wouldn't come back.

Finally, reluctantly, Rachel stopped kissing her. Her breath came out in spurts as she looked at her, ghosted her fingers across her cheekbone.

Rachel, she realized, was crying.

This can all be different, she wanted to say. Don't leave. Don't.

"Good-bye, Sarah." She gathered her coat, her head down and stepped out of the loft without looking back.

She was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you. Thank you. You're all the best. <3


	17. Chapter 17

It was easy to fall into familiar patterns. _Finally_ , Sarah thought, _something I can't fuck up_. The ability to get piss drunk and wake up in a pile of her own vomit had never really disappeared all together and she found herself slipping back into old habits as if nothing had ever changed.

"The fuck is going on with you?" Felix said, hands on hips as he swung open the loft door. Helena had brought her over after she'd gotten cut off at Bobbi's. Her sister had followed her there, Sarah complaining bitterly the entire time as she muttered about Helena "skulking in the bloody shadows like a homicidal maniac."

"She had too much drink,"Helena explained, holding her sister up with one arm. "Bobbi was not so nice after a while."

"C'mon then." He sighed deeply, scooting under her other arm as they carried her to the couch. "Now, would someone like to tell me what in the bloody hell is going on lately?"

Helena looked at Sarah who had sunk into the couch and was holding her head in her hands. "She looks like she may be sick."

"Oh no, no, Sarah, you are not allowed to vomit on my couch."

"She is sad," Helena said, rubbing her sister's back soothingly. "She lost great love."

"Oh shit." Felix sank down in the armchair. "You mean the woman she was seeing?"

"Yes. Things could not work out. It was very tragic."

"Would you two stop talkin' about me like I'm not here," Sarah lifted her head. "I'm alright...just had a bit too much to drink is all."

"Clearly that isn't all," Felix said. "S said you barely get out of bed and make it to class and when you do, it's at the last possible second and when you're not in bed, you float around the house like a bloody ghost. She's worried, Kira's worried and this one over here," he gestured to Helena, "wouldn't say a thing to anyone. Said you would talk when you were ready."

Sarah sighed, rubbed her eyes wearily. "I dunno if I'll ever be ready, Fe. It's all rubbish. It was all rubbish from the start, actually."

The three weeks that followed Rachel's departure were categorized by an ache Sarah couldn't adequately put into words but she knew she was failing in all aspects of her life; Kira, school, her friends. She avoided Alison's phone calls, avoided Helena's mournful gaze, pretended she was busy when S tried to approach her. She'd gone back to school only because there was only a week left of the semester. A huge part of her wanted to say fuck finals but she showed up anyway, only to see a professor she didn't recognize standing at the front of the room. It wasn't Cho and she was grateful for that, at least, but the sight of someone else where Rachel had been, choked her and she had to leave the room.

"Hey, hey, listen," Felix came to sit beside her, "I dunno what happened exactly and you don't have to tell me, yeah? But self-destruction isn't the answer, Sarah. It never was."

There was some truth to what her brother was saying and she knew it but it was far easier to self-sabotage than to admit she felt like dying. The damage done was of a far lesser degree than in the past. Getting trashed and thrown out of bars was nothing in comparison to going on a bender five days a week, to waking up in a different bed, sometimes in a different city, to not know how she was going to scrape her ass off the ground and go on.

"Don't worry about me, alright. I'm dealin' with it."

She didn't believe her own bullshit and she didn't expect Helena or Felix to buy it either but instead of saying another word, she curled into Felix's sofa and fell asleep.

***

"How long are you gonna go on like this?"

Sarah spun on her heel. "Jesus, Siobahn! Could ya at least let me know you were here instead of sittin' in the dark like a bloody prowler."

Siobahn turned on a lamp, revealing herself in the armchair. "It's three in the morning, Sarah, and you're stumbling in totally buggered like you've done every other night for three weeks now."

She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, grasping the loose knob of the banister. "Look, s'my business, yeah? I'm not your concern anymore."

"Oh but you are. As long as you and Kira are living in my house, you wandering about all hours of the night is my concern."

Sarah was careful not to raise her voice a single measure, not only because Kira was sleeping but because she wouldn't allow Siobahn to do what she did best, resort her to the angry teenager who would storm out after one of their arguments, ones that used to have Felix covering his ears and running for cover. 

"I'm tired, yeah? I'm goin' to bed," she began to descend up the staircase.

"Like hell you are," S said lowly, crossing her arms over her chest. "Sit." 

She scowled but obeyed, flopping down on the sofa. "Alright, then. I'm listenin'."

"Oh no, I won't be the one doing the talking, Sarah." Siobahan said. "You're going to tell me what in bloody name is going on here when you'd been doing so well."

"It's a long story."

"Well, I won't be going anywhere. Go ahead." 

"Fine," Sarah replied gruffly. "I was...seein' someone. And before you say anythin', no, I didn't tell you. I wanted to. But she wasn't ready for that yet." She looked up to gauge Siobahn's reaction.

"Mmmm, I figured as much. And everyone else knew, did they? Your brother and Helena and your friends. Is that where you were all of those nights you said you were at the library studying, then?" Siobahn shook her head. "Were you lying about getting straight A's as well?"

"No, no, that part was all true. Rachel, my professor, she tutored me, like I told ya."

Something in Siobahn's eyes shifted and she tilted her chin. "Ah, Rachel is it? And the reason you couldn't bring her around was because she was your professor or you were worried about what I'd think?"

"Shit, Siobahn..." Sarah said sharply, "How'd the bloody hell you know?"

"A Mum's instinct," She regarded her calmly. "And things didn't work out. I would imagine it would be complicated, seeing your teacher and all."

"You have no idea. I didn't want you to think I was usin' her to pass. It was never like that."

"Oh chicken," Her mouth twisted sympathetically "don't you think I know that? What you're doing is what you always do when you're hurt...you go out and destroy yourself because you think you've messed up beyond repair. You love her."

Her throat constricted and she shook herself hard. "Doesn't matter. She's gone. Couldn't hack it, Siobahn. Even after the shit that mattered before didn't anymore. I wasn't enough."

"Sarah---"

"No, it's the truth. I've all but accepted it. She could never love me, even if I might've thought I was wrong one time."

"Maybe she's scared. I don't know her, of course, but I know when they're scared of feeling too much, people run." Siobahn said gently. "I know because that's what you do, chicken, isn't it?"

"That's the crazy part, yeah?" Sarah leaned forward, swiped at her eyes. "I wasn't runnin' this time."

Siobahn rose and sat next to her, placing a hand upon her knee. "I know, love. I know." Wordlessly, she opened her arms.

To allow herself to be comforted, to be cradled and reassured still felt odd, as she didn't quite believe that she deserved it and she had to fight her body from stiffening. But there was something about letting Siobahn hug her, to have her whisper comfort into the crown of her head, that felt like home. She hadn't hugged her since she was a pre-teen, always preferring a brief brush of her hand against the woman's upper back, hoping that would suffice. Siobahn still smelled the way she remembered, like cinnamon and sandalwood and more tears leaked from her eyes. It was nice to stop fighting and pretending and just be. To let Siobahn be a mum.

"Oh my sweet girl. You finally know what it's like to have your heart broken," Siobahn pulled away, stroking her hair. "It only took you this long."

"I have to let her go, don't I? I don't know what else to bloody do." Her voice cracked, "I can't keep carryin' on like this. Kira deserves better."

"Yes she does. And you," Siobahn touched her cheek, "deserve to be happy. So find her."

Sarah stared. "Find her. Like it's that simple, S. She could be anywhere in the world by now. It's not like I can just text her."

"You could just text her." She patted her leg. "If you think there's a fight left there, Sarah, you fight. You were always a scrappy little thing. From the second I took you in."

"Rachel made it perfectly clear she could never be with me. I won't go throwin' myself at her."

"Then you find her and you ask her if that's truly what she wants, then." Siobahn said. "Because if there's the slightest chance..."

She knew she couldn't keep chasing away what was burning her alive with cheap bourbon and sliding into bed with any warm body. It wouldn't bring Rachel back. It wouldn't quell the ache.

Sarah, who hadn't needed shit in her entire life, save for Kira, needed Rachel. Siobahn was right. She had to tell her just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't run away. I'm here and I so appreciate your patience. You are all the best.


	18. Chapter 18

"This seat taken?"

Sarah lifted her head. She'd been mesmerized by the steam rising from her coffee, trying to distract herself, to drown in it, maybe. Anything was better than the alternative.

She shrugged. "S'pose not."

Cosima sat down in the chair across from her and crossed and uncrossed her arms, cleared her throat a few times. "You don't seem surprised to see me."

"Figured Helena would call you eventually. Or Alison." Sarah pushed an unopened packet of sugar back and forth on the table top. "They both know you and I are as stubborn as bloody mules."

Cosima smiled. "Yeah, they're probably right." She let out a breath, sobering, "Look, Sarah, Helena filled me on what was going on. I'm really sorry about Rachel."

She met her gaze. "Are you?"

"Of course I am." The defense was sharper than she had intended and chagrined, she looked around the nearly empty student union. "I didn't come here to say I told you so."

"No? Then why are you here?"

"C'mon, I'm not the enemy. That night---I was wrong to say what I did. Like completely out of line and I should have told you that a long time ago."

"Yeah, well, it was how you felt wasn't it."

Cosima raised her eyebrows. "Sarah---"

"I'm bein' a right shit and you don't deserve that, yeah? Truth is, it's all crap, the whole thing. I tried to bloody _hit_ you, Cos. How am I supposed to look at you after that."

"Hey," she said softly, "I get it now. I didn't then, not really but---you love her, Sarah, like really, really love her and I know now she loves you too."

"What are you on about?"

"Well," Cosima shifted in her seat, "A few weeks ago, Delphine texted to let me know she had to stop by somewhere after the hospital. When she got home, I kind of asked her about it and she said she couldn't tell me much so I figured it was a patient thing, like a house call, because she does that sometimes, even though she's not really supposed to, just to check up, you know? Anyway, I didn't really think much of it until the next day. She'd forgotten her phone on the kitchen table so I was going to run by the hospital to bring it to her and well...your text came in, thanking her for her help."

"You read it? And she told you? Jesus, Cos." Sarah rubbed the bridge of her nose wearily.

"Not on purpose," The other woman shook her head, "And Delphine only told me after I begged her to. I wanted to make sure you were okay. She didn't give me many details, only that Rachel had gotten hurt and you'd contacted her to help."

"Saved Rachel's life is what she did," Sarah said, letting out a shaky breath. "Can't even be mad she told you after that, can I?"

"She also told me you did a great job keeping her calm. You did everything right. And she said she could tell, just by watching you, how upset you were, that you love her very much."

"Little that matters now, does it. If Helena filled you in..."

"Yeah," Cosima said, " and I can tell that you're hurting. Look," she reached across the table to touch Sarah's hand, "I know I told you that she didn't care and that she was using you and a million other things when I shoulda just kept my big mouth closed. But this is what I wanted to avoid, dude, you being destroyed like this." she bit her bottom lip, "Thing is though," she hedged, "I knew she loved you at Bobby's that night, before she went after you. I mean, I basically called her out in front of the entire bar but she was only worried about you. She heard me out, let me vent to her a little, said she understood. And I could tell, just by the way she spoke about you, that she was in love with you. That's why I tried to call. To tell you I was wrong."

 _You weren't_ , Sarah wanted to say, _I scared her off to the point she had to leave the country_. She swallowed, numb now, having done her crying over the span of weeks. "You don't hafta to say any of that, Cos. You were bein' a friend, that's all. I was too stupid to realize it at the time..."

"So," Cosima's voice was choked and she sniffed, "Whatta we do now? What's the plan, I mean."

"You sound like Alison."

"Yeah, well, in this case, it's warranted. Do you know where she is, have you heard anything?"

"Got a postcard," Sarah mumbled, taking the crumbled item out of her jacket and pushing it toward Cosima. "Woman breaks my heart and won't answer my text messages but she sends me a bloody postcard."

Cosima smoothed out the card, her eyes scanning over Rachel's neat cursive. "This tells me nothing...other that she's in Paris. Or she was in Paris. And that she wanted to let you know she's alright."

"Am I supposed to go to Paris, then? Bring her back here and what after? She told me she can't be with me. Sides, it's Christmas and I have to take two finals this week."

"It's the end of the semester!" Cosima threw her hands up in sudden jubilation, earning the curious stares of the few patrons in the union. "Do you know what that means?"

"That you've gone off your nut?"

"No, dude, it means you made it! You were ready to quit at the beginning of the term and now you're almost done. You made it, Sarah. And you did well. I am so fucking proud of you."

Sarah's lips lifted at Cosima's praise but she couldn't bring herself to feel very much pride. She'd mucked things up far more than she'd succeeded. "Not quite over yet. I could fail both exams."

"Stop putting yourself down, okay? This is huge and you need to give yourself a little credit here."

"Rachel was the one who turned it all around, yeah?" She pushed her coffee cup aside. "She could've said to hell with it, let me keep flounderin' along like I was...but she--she was the one who changed everythin'."

Words were never her strong suit and she struggled to express just how much Rachel had altered every aspect of her life, how she saw herself, how she saw love. On some level, she supposed Cosima knew what she meant. Her friend had always been able to see her heart without much effort and Sarah was grateful for that.

"It sucks. I hate that you're in pain and trust me, bub, if I could take it all away right now, I would. But you're gonna be alright. You told me that once or twice, remember? You've been through the shitstorm, Sarah...you'll come out the other side. You always do."

"Hope you're right."

"Me too...hey," she brightened, "Maybe I could stop by later, see Kira and S? I've missed everyone."

"Oh Kira would be over the moon...she's missed you too. She talks about you non stop. God, what a selfish little shit I've been."

"No, no," Cosima waved her away, "We're good now." She stood, pulling on her jacket. "I gotta run to class but I'll see you later. Love you," she said warmly, giving Sarah's hand a gentle squeeze. "We'll get through this, okay?"

"Love you," Sarah called after her as she raced toward the door. In some small way, part of the open wound her rift with Cosima had caused had healed up and she didn't feel so weighed down by guilt and grief.

But there was emptiness. A hollowness that was somehow worse than the crushing pain she had been in right after Rachel walked out. Cosima, she knew, was wrong. There was no other side.

****

 

 As Christmas loomed, Sarah, who had never particularly cared much for the holidays in the first place, found herself staying as busy as possible for Kira's sake. That meant school concerts and decorating and shopping and anything else where she could run on autopilot and because keeping occupied took the edge off a little.

Once in awhile, it would hit her. She'd be coloring with Kira or listening to Felix and Alison's easy banter while they baked cookies with the kids, watching Helena wrap presents, her tongue hanging out of the corner of her mouth in concentration, when the emptiness would creep in and she'd have to excuse herself until she could get a handle on her breathing and the ache in her chest began to dissipate. She was surprised at how much it still hurt. Logically, she knew that Rachel was gone, had accepted that Rachel was gone, but her body hadn't. Sleeping alone felt foreign and wrong and she hadn't been able to wash her pillowcase because the faint scent of Rachel was still there and if she washed it away, the last trace of her would be gone as well. She'd tried to voice this to Helena once, willing herself not to cry, but Helena had simply hugged her close, understanding, and there wasn't any need to continue. 

Felix seemed to be home more often than not and vaguely, Sarah wondered if S had asked him to come by. She was also incredibly kind, gave her the space she needed, and Sarah found herself sitting with her at night after she'd put Kira to bed, drinking a cup of tea by the fireplace, gazing off hazily into the lights of the Christmas tree. They didn't have to say anything at all and she realized, amazingly, that she drew comfort from Siobahn's silent strength.

Christmas Eve came, the night cold and clear. They were expecting Alison and her brood, Felix and Colin, Delphine and Cosima and a few of S's friends who had no where else to go. Helena and Kira had holed up in the kitchen all morning with Siobahn while Sarah had given herself house keeping duty, a fact Felix loved to rib her about whenever she was put on it because everyone knew she was not much of a cleaner. Still, dusting and scrubbing the toilet seemed a small price to pay not to endure chatter that she was sure her sister and S would put on for her benefit. She loved them both, appreciated how hard they tried but she knew the ache would surface again, though it had graduated from knife sharp to dull and ever present.

She had gotten her final exam grades, both A's, and though she wanted to take pleasure in her accomplishment, the only person she wanted to share the news with wasn't there and it soured her victory. So she told no one unless they asked and everyone around her stepped so carefully lately, nobody had.

The small house was soon filled to the brim with people and Alison made a beeline for her as soon as she came in with her family, not even stopping to take off her coat. "Oh honey," she hugged her, "You look beautiful. That color looks so good on you." Sarah wore a navy blue sweater, the weight of it comforting against her skin, an early Christmas present from Siobahn.

"Thanks but I look like hell, Alison, and you know it, yeah?" She hadn't been sleeping, though she'd stopped wandering about at night, and her appetite had been for shit, and the difference of a few pounds was entirely noticeable on her small frame.

Alison clasped her shoulder, squeezing the cap gently. "I'm here, alright? You don't have to be a martyr, Sarah." She kissed her cheek. "Merry Christmas."

As the night wore on, her throat tightened and she desperately wanted to go outside and get some air but she felt Helena's eyes on her, even as she conversed with people, ready to leap if she needed anything.

"Mum?" Kira's small voice rang out as she looked uncertainly around the living room for Sarah.

"Right here, monkey." She had retreated to her spot near the stairs, telling Cosima to pass on to whoever noted her absence where she was. "You havin' fun?"

Kira settled herself on the floor beside her mother, folding her ankles underneath her. "Yeah, I guess so."

"You only guess so?" Sarah gently tapped her nose with her pinky and Kira giggled.

"Yeah, I mean I am..."

"But?" Sarah supplied, "What is it?"

"You're not having fun."

Sarah pulled her close and Kira rested her head on her shoulder. "I'm tryin', I am. But you know what, I always have a good time with you, yeah?"

"You've been really sad lately, Mummy." Kira said.

It wasn't the first time Sarah was floored when something wise beyond her years had come from her daughter's mouth and she took a moment to choose her words before she spoke again. "Yeah," she answered honestly, "Guess I have been, a bit."

"S says it's because you loved someone and they had to leave." 

"Uh, yeah, that's right." A lump rose in her throat and she fought against it. "Did S tell you anything else then?"

"No." Kira paused. "Wait...that her name is Rachel. I asked."

They sat in silence for a moment. "Mum?"

"Yeah, babe."

"If you love her so much, why did she leave?"

"Well," Sarah said thickly, running her hands over Kira's hair, "It's kinda tricky, monkey. Sometimes, even when people love each other, they can't always stay together. D'ya understand?"

"I think so," Kira said slowly, "Like you and Daddy?"

"Exactly," Sarah smiled, "Just like your Dad and me."

"I'm sorry you're so sad." 

Sarah pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Thanks, babe. What did I ever do to deserve you, eh?"

"Dessert is ready," Helena appeared in front of them, and Kira sprung up, lacing her hand through her aunt's. "Felix and I must speak to you," Helena said lowly into Sarah's ear as she stood. "I bring Kira into dining room first."

After Kira was settled in next to Gemma and Oscar, Helena pulled her sister into the kitchen where Felix was waiting, leaning against the cupboards.

"Alright, what is this," Sarah's eyes narrowed, glancing between her sister and brother. "An intervention or sumthin'?"

"No, no...thank _god_ ," Felix rolled his eyes. "You've been moping about quite enough."

"Well, what then?"

Helena grinned, a wide smile that bared her teeth, and Sarah thawed a bit under her effervescence. "We have good news."

"Helena and I have been doing a little detective work," said Felix, "And we found out where Rachel is."

"Whattya mean detective work? Christ, I hope you two haven't set about like the bloody police," Sarah groaned, "I don't need Rachel to think I'm tryin' to track her down. 'Sides, I know she's in France, yeah? Now if you lot will excuse me, Kira's waitin'."

"Sestra." Something in Helena's voice made her pause and she turned to look at her. "Rachel is here."

"What?"

"Rachel's in Toronto," Felix said, "We had a few sources look into it and then we confirmed it with the doorman at her building...Trevor? Tim?"

"Troy."

"Yeah, him." Felix was the one grinning now as Helena giggled. "Had to sort of flirt a bit with that one...tough nut to crack. No word of it to Colin, yeah?"

Sarah's stomach dropped. "Rachel's home? When did she get back? How did you find--know what, never mind. I don't wanna know. "She shook her head. "I dunno what to say."

"You know what to do, sestra. What heart tells you." Helena stepped forward the few inches separating them and took both of Sarah's hands in hers, looking into both of her eyes at once. "It is Christmas, yes? Miracles happening."

A wave of relief washed over her body and she gripped Helena tightly, her eyes misting over. "Love you, meathhead. And you," she said to Felix, her voice unusually tender, "You're an arse but I love you just the same."

"Well, what are you waiting for then?" Felix said animatedly. "Go tell them."

Sarah burst into the dining room, startling the assembled company with her presence. "Sorry," she said breathlessly, "Sumthin's come up and I've gotta---"

Siobahn shook her head from her place at the head of the table. " Well, s'bout bloody time, dontcha think? Go on, then. Take the truck."

With several whoops and calls of good luck from the table at large, Sarah was into the night and into S's truck, her heart thudding like crazy the entire way to Rachel's building.

"Listen," she called to Troy as she ran in, "I know it's late and she's not expectin' me or anythin' but---"

"I'll buzz you up." Troy said, dropping some of his usual formality. "Missed seeing you around here, Sarah."

"Me too, mate." She tossed out, stepping into the elevator. "Hey, Merry Christmas!"

As she reached Rachel's floor, she could see from down the hall, the door was slightly ajar and immediately, the panic set in. "Shite," she whispered to herself as she banged on it once with her knuckle before making her presence known.

Rachel was sitting by the window.

Gulping, Sarah stood in the middle of the darkened floor, not knowing whether to move or speak or turn around and run, but Rachel turned then, her face illuminated by the lights of downtown Toronto. Her right hand held a long stemmed glass of wine, her expression calm. "Hello, Sarah."

Sarah's legs buckled and for a good minute, she thought they wouldn't hold her weight so she braced herself on the back of the sofa. "Hi---I, uh..." She fumbled desperately for something, anything that made sense.

"Happy Christmas, Rachel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this one, folks. I so appreciate all of your kind words and kudos throughout the course of this story and honestly, it's kept me going. I've told you before but I'll tell you again, I love you all and your support has meant the world.


	19. Chapter 19

"Would you care for a drink?" Rachel made no move to leave her spot but her eyes were trained on Sarah. 

"No thanks." There it was again, the stiff formality, as if they were strangers who hadn't shared something. But Sarah knew better by now than to push Rachel. She had tried that already and it had backfired. 

"I suppose," she said with deliberation, "I don't have to ask you why you're here." 

"No." Sarah was having trouble keeping her pitch steady, "you don't." 

Rachel exhaled. "It's Christmas Eve. You should be with your family." 

"They know I'm here. They all told me to come." 

Something passed over Rachel's face and she sighed. "Please, sit." 

Rachel rose and headed toward the sofa, Sarah following. She placed her wine on a coaster, watching the other woman wriggle out of the cold leather of her coat. 

"That sweater is new," she observed, eyes trailing over blue wool. 

"Yeah," Sarah said. "Christmas present from S." 

"It suits you somehow." 

Sarah wasn't one for treading lightly, never had been, but she was going to let Rachel lead the conversation, wanted her to feel safe. 

Rachel switched on a lamp. "I should tell you to go." 

"You should or you will?" 

"It's quite a full circle, isn't it?" she said evenly, ignoring the inquiry. "You back here where all of this began." 

"Began awhile before that for me," Sarah shifted, fiddled with a loose thread. It was almost too much, to sit still, to not verbalize everything she wanted to say since Rachel had left. Her head swam. 

"Sarah." Rachel commanded softly and Sarah looked up to meet her eyes. "Sarah." She said again and she sounded tired. 

But Sarah knew better than to say a word. She couldn't trust herself. It was all too raw. So she waited.

"Do you recall telling me how you used to run when you were younger? How you'd become frightened, not so much of responsibility, as everyone thought, but of failing. Of not being enough." 

"Uh, yeah."

"I'm not one who leaves to escape anything. I never have been. I always thought it was cowardly." Rachel stopped, considering. "I understand why you felt you had to, Sarah. It was the same reason you showed up to my class ready for a battle. You were afraid." 

"Rachel--" 

"Please." Rachel's gaze drifted down to her lap. "I was looking for something when I went to Paris...answers, perhaps, clarity. Some sort of direction. I thought I'd stay for a bit, paint, maybe. For the first time in my life, I didn't have a plan. Nothing was mapped out and although it wasn't terrifying as I'd thought it would be, there was nothing freeing about it either." 

"You came back." For Sarah, it all hinged on that fact and she fixated on it, held it in her hand. She wasn't one for clinging onto hope, she was no optimist, but something about being in Rachel's presence again gave her the courage to cling just a little. 

"Yes." Rachel replied quietly. "Would you like to know why?"

Sarah nodded. She was trembling. 

"I realized not long after I'd arrived, I was indeed running away. At first, I'd thought it was from myself. I knew I could never be who you needed me to be and it would have been quite unfair to you." She looked up then. "It was you I was afraid of. And I saw you everywhere. Every street corner, every cafe. I can't tell you how many strangers I nearly tapped on the shoulder because I convinced myself it was you." Rachel drew a sharp breath. "I thought if I could get away, I could stop loving you. It would've been what was best. But it wasn't as simple as that. Apparently." 

Silence. 

"Well, shite." Sarah swiped at her eyes. 

"Is that all you can say?" 

"Oh c'mon, Rachel, you lay that on and you expect me to be eloquent?" Sarah shook her head. "You know I'm bloody awful with words, yeah?" 

Rachel got up silently and sat down next to her at a measured distance. "The truth of the matter is, I came back to Toronto because I knew there was the possibility you'd come here. And I'd have to stop being such a coward."

Tentatively, Sarah reached out a hand toward the other woman, almost anticipating rejection but with that same thread of hope weaving around itself inside of her. "Rachel," she said into the space of the room. It sounded like a prayer or a plea, maybe. 

And Rachel took her hand, threading fingers through hers. "I can't promise you anything, Sarah." She said, her voice breaking slightly. "This isn't the sort of thing I'm good at and I can't assure I won't hurt you again..." 

"S'okay." Sarah brought their hands up to her lips, laying a kiss on Rachel's knuckles. "I don't need promises, yeah? I need you, you stupid woman. Get that through that beautiful, dense head of yours." She released their hands and leaned over, brushing her palm across Rachel's cheek. 

"Charming," Rachel raised an eyebrow but her lips twitched. "You may come to regret this, you know." 

"Mmm," Sarah grinned, eyes bright, "Takin' my chances." 

Rachel kissed her.

**** 

 It had only been a little over a month but if Sarah had thought she'd missed Rachel before, it couldn't compare to how much she'd _missed_ her...how good she smelled and the way she tasted underneath her lips and the way her hips fit into the palms of her hands. Rachel's fingers tangled up in her hair, tender and fierce. 

She should have been ashamed about the tears wetting her cheeks as she came and in any other circumstance, she would have been, but everything about Rachel felt so soft and familiar and she'd nearly lost her. She _had_ lost her and all she could do was lay claim to the woman in her arms.  


_Mine_ , Sarah thought as she gently bit her neck, her collarbone, dragged hands down the length of her thigh, dragged lips down over her throat. "Mine," she whispered into the soft skin behind her ear. It was absurdly possessive and she told Rachel so. 

But Rachel laughed, an odd sound that made her jump a little. "Am I an object to be possessed?" Her question was without resentment and Sarah felt herself grinning against her shoulder. 

"No," she countered. "Just not lettin' you go, is all." 

"Well, when you put it that way," Rachel said, exhaling. "I don't believe I mind." 

Even her sigh was different, Sarah noted, more contented, rather than resigned. She looked happy. Whatever that meant. 

"Sarah," Rachel shifted to face her. She drew a hand down over her cheek, thumbing her jawline, serious. "this is all still very complicated. There's the matter of your daughter and there is the very real possibility, even if this all works out, that she won't favor me." 

"Kira will love you cuz you make me happy, yeah? She knows quite a bit about you already." 

"Does she," said Rachel impassively. "We'll have to see, then, won't we. When you're ready to introduce me, of course." She cleared her throat. "You assumed once that I don't like children but that isn't true. I've always thought they're much easier to get on with than adults. More...honest." 

"You plannin' on stickin' around, then?" It was difficult to keep her tone light when everything rode on Rachel's answer. Something lodged in her throat and stuck there. 

"I suppose I can't quite be rid of you," Rachel told her, smoothing back damp strands from Sarah's forehead. "As diligently as I've tried..." 

"You are the most bloody difficult woman I've ever met," Sarah declared, rolling her eyes. "I dunno why I love you the way that I do." 

"Do you? She pressed a kiss to Sarah's chest. 

"Yeah," Sarah grinned again, "and you love me." 

"Cheeky." 

"Say it." 

"Do you need your ego stroked again so soon?" Rachel feigned exasperation. 

"Pretty much, yeah." 

"Fine." The other woman pursed her lips, looking at Sarah. "I love you. There. Are you quite satisfied?" 

Swiftly, she pulled Rachel to her, kissing her hungrily. "Hardly." 

"Rachel?" Sarah asked when they'd finally caught their breath. "D'ya think you might wanna meet my family tonight? I know that's an awful lot to ask when everythin' is---you can tell me no." 

 "Well," she said contemplatively, "it would save me the trouble of separate introductions. And I'm entirely certain they're wondering where you are by now." 

Sarah laughed. "Oh, they probably guessed." She laughed harder still, noticing Rachel's red cheeks. "Shite, you're blushin'! Never thought I'd see the day." 

"Don't make me change my mind." 

Before she could reply, Rachel rose from the bed and left the room, returning with the bottle of wine and two glasses. "It isn't bourbon but it'll have to do." She poured Sarah's glass and then a generous one for herself. "To...new beginnings," she raised her glass, clinking it against Sarah's. 

"To new beginnings." 

And as she let the bitter liquid rest atop her tongue, Sarah's hands settled on Rachel's waist and she buried her face into her hair, something she had thought she'd never be able to do again. 

A happy Christmas indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is all she wrote. I want to thank you each and everyone of you for sticking with me on this journey. It was not always easy (as evident from how long this chapter took!!) but it was always worth it. I want to especially thank the people who left awesome comments every single chapter, those who provided me with musical inspiration and just plain inspiration, and to those who encouraged me to put myself and my own well-being first. I can't express enough how much your support/friendship/kindness has meant to me! <3


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